a sleepy girl’s guide to going The Fuck To Sleep
hello, it is I, your local insane napper and sleep aficionado. can’t go to sleep? tired of googling stupid articles that say “develop a routine!” and other useless shit because it’s too late for that, buddy? need to go the fuck to sleep Right Now? look no further, for I have made you The Ultimate Guide for Going the Fuck To Sleep.
Brain Being an Emotional Bitch and Won’t Let You Fucking Sleep?
grab a journal or a piece of paper and brain vomit. let it all out. get all the bad juju onto the paper. put it away when you’re done; out of sight, out of mind.
listen to music. I made you a dank playlist here. not a fan? look at spotify’s sleep section under browse, or make your own playlist. I recommend soft things with no heavy drum beats.
music not your thing? this podcast works like a charm. takes a few tries to get used to it, but it’s honestly been my lifesaver.
not into podcasts? find guided imagery meditation tracks, you can usually find some good ones on youtube.
break out the old teddy bear. sometimes we all need a friend.
Physical Pain Kicking You in the Ass?
stretch it out. I deal with a lot of back pain, and I find that child’s pose and twisting my back help a lot.
self-massage the area in pain. or, if someone else is awake and nice enough, have them massage it for you.
heating pads or heating cream work wonders.
tylenol pm, advil pm, etc. always double check to make sure you’re safe to take it though.
add support to the area in pain by putting pillows under it or shifting positions.
hungry? a spoonful of peanut butter, a banana, and a glass of milk usually do the trick.
Hyper as Hell and Can’t Calm the Fuck Down?
use lavender and chamomile scented lotions, sprays, actual lavender and chamomile, whatever you have lying around.
find the longest, most boring book you have on hand. I’m talking about shit like the dictionary, a car manual or something similar, anything from the for dummies series, something with a lot of long words and technical jargon. read that shit until it literally bores you to sleep.
refer to the first section for the list of things to listen to. I personally find the podcast works best in calming me down.
make yourself aware of your body. lie down flat, and clench your toes together for a few seconds, then release. then repeat with your calves, your thighs, etc, working your way up your body.
even if you’re not dealing with physical pain, stretching can be a good way to calm the mind.
Asshole Neighbors being Loud as all Fucking Hell?
earplugs are your best friend if you can’t move rooms and get away from the sound. if you don’t have earplugs, you can use cotton balls or something similar. but don’t stick shit in there that shouldn’t be in there.
refer to section one for things to listen to so you can drown out the noise of your local mouth breathers. I would personally recommend using in-ear headphones to listen to things rather than a speaker, especially if the headphones are noise cancelling.
if it’s really out of hand, assert your dominance as the alpha. bang on their door. tell them to shut the fuck up. shit on their lawn. claim their house as your territory.
blast 20 “What’s New Pussycat”’s and one “It’s Not Unusual” through a speaker until they get the fucking message.
is the noise a loud snorer? I’m sorry, you’re shit out of luck. if you can’t move away from the sound, just try your best to drown it out.
Some General Shit for your Consideration
yes, melatonin exists. I personally do not like using it, nor can I safely use it because of risk of a medication interaction. that said, if you are 100% certain that there is nothing that would cause you to have a bad reaction to it, go ahead and take one. make sure you’ll have at least 8 hours of sleeping time before you take it, though, because those motherfuckers are powerful.
put the fucking phone away. you know you have to. get away from screens and emotional content.
eliminate bright lights. yes, that means your alarm clock, too. if it’s too bright, cover it with a book or something opaque.
don’t be mad at yourself if none of this stuff works. sometimes, it’s just one of those nights.
well there you have it folks, an entire list of shit to do to help you sleep. have fun kiddos, sweet fucking dreams, go the fuck to sleep.
