Aug 6, 2018
You make it so hard to fight for you
-in the end i chose to fight for myself
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You make it so hard to fight for you
-in the end i chose to fight for myself
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help me put my bags in the back of your car you’re just as pretty up close as from afar you reach for my hand driving home superposition on the radio out the window is the old fear factory i can’t help but watch your face while you sing we didn’t have enough time for a full serenade felt like the movie ended before we could press play and we walked up and down the whole damn town watched the evangelicals stand their own ground you and i worshiped two or three times a day i looked in your eyes when you got on your knees to pray and i loved you as much as i feared you and i held you just as i revered you and i sacrificed myself as an offering to you but you didn’t want a martyr, did you?
where is my heart?
you said one day we would marry and as a grown child, i believed you slipped thorns into my mouth i tried to thank you for the roses but blood came pouring out where are you now? where is my heart? i'm aware of where it is not, new windsor, brighton, salt lake, wilmington, nashville nor nottingham, i've searched all for naught yet the days grow darker, the air gets thicker, my limbs feel heavier. if i lie down now, i fear i may never stand up again moss will envelope my body i haven't the strength to rip myself from the clutch of the soft green earth once more. what i would give for an embrace, but i have nothing left. mother, may i rest?
i miss you so loudly. the whispers of morning and your delicate hands, wisps of hair sweeping against my face as i dig myself deeper into you. i will not go softly. i tell it to anyone who listens how i love you like a dog, my ears eagerly perked at the jingle of your keys and i come running. i wait patiently. she takes your wrist, leads you away from home i hope you turn back, open the door again so i can breathe you in.
it’s a weird place to be, stuck right in between i’m still in love with you, and i deserve more than you gave me when both are, at once, true
i liked you much more before i loved you i liked you better before you knew me your grip is tighter than you think you can’t hold anything without crushing it and i would ask for my heart back but it’s not the same shape anymore it would no longer recognize me
and i think your god is funny you still follow his rules, but you no longer believe, you’ve got other people to appease is that not what hell is? your blind faithfulness to nothing outmatched any servitude to me
still, you wave to me from your cubicle and our water cooler chats are seemingly without end as i adjust, mind the grimace, i am very glad that you asked, yes, we can still be friends
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you asked me to meet you in a dream yes, i will, i replied swiftly for a moment’s pleasure seems far more important than honesty. have you ever watched a mushroom grow? some have spores which, at night, glow they come alive and spread and know in summer with their seeds to sew. to kill your hero seems as bitter i truly am an awful knitter the tapestries we weave together might have left alone been better.
i've exaggerated you in my head i saw love where it wasn't yet you broke my heart gently in your bed and cradled me, soft against your chest
in the morning, you fed and kissed me and when i turned around, stood waving on the way home, kept composed, behaving the sea didn't take me as i'd been praying
it's my secret that i've mourned for weeks my disappointment is not yours to keep just forgive me if i shake when i speak it's steady downhill after the peak
an unexpected error in my programming an oversight, a glitch in my system a skip in my heartbeat unaccounted for, verily i built myself from the ground up structured so carefully, strong to withstand anything and then came you the missed variable. i realized in this matter, i had my head buried deep in the sand but you dug me out, and i digress, the malfunction was necessary the lack of sleight of hand for when came you so the rest of me did, too. and so my heart skips ardently, when i shut down for the night and let visions of you set the scene and paint my dreams so vividly. i have found the final piece, it was merely your hand on my cheek.