#incorrect ao3

“Maybe don’t mention that in front of him,” Nina hastens. “Wylan’s the one who blew it up.”

“Hey, Kaz paid me to blow it up.”

“Does that look like a rational Kaz to you?” Jesper asks, gesturing. 

Wylan looks over at where Kaz is standing in a puddle of water, glaring at it like he can intimidate it into evaporating on the spot. 

“Um…”

Burns would be the most favourable description, really. It’s a complete mess. They can’t get the stove to turn off, and Jesper spends twenty minutes trying to do it with his Grisha powers. It isn’t working, and the poor chicken is flaming inside the dungeon of the oven the whole time. Even when they shut the power off, they can’t get it open. The door is stuck, swollen from the heat. Jesper has to evaporate the screws to get it off its hinges. When he finally pries the door off, the food is completely black. It’s also still on fire. 

Wylan laughs.

“Don’t laugh!“ Jesper yells, obviously trying not to laugh himself. He’s fanning the corpse of the flaming, carcinogenic bird with an oven mitt. “This was a very serious, very touching romantic gesture!”

“It looks like a fire hazard,” Wylan says, still giggling.

“Then it’s an emergency! You sick, sick madman!” 

Wylan laughs harder, Jesper is using two oven mitts now. 

“You little pyromaniac! Are explosives not enough anymore? Incendiarism is no joking matter!”

“You're the reason it’s on fire!”

“That’s not the point!”

“Oh?” Wylan says, already feeling his heart rate increase. “She probably wasn’t. Did she say anything?”

“Yeah, she asked me if I knew where you were,” Kuwei says pointedly.

“Did you break in, Kaz?” Wylan asks incredulously. 

“Yes,” Kaz replies, not even slightly abashed. Kuwei yells more expletives, and Kaz takes out his phone with a bored expression. Wylan watches him send a text, feeling slightly out of his body. 

“Kuwei,” Kaz says after a moment. “Inej is on the roof and the door to the staircase is locked. Let her in or she’ll break through the window.” 

“All of your friends,” Kuwei shouts again, glaring at Wylan this time. He moves past him, angrily going to let Inej inside all the same. “Are insane.” 

Wylan sniffs. “I’m not on either. I’m just not using my phone, and I’m talking to you right now.”

“I have like, 2.5 friends, Wylan. If I’m your social interaction of the weekend, you’re on a cleanse.”

“Well, I have 1.5 friends,” Wylan says. “I’m counting Elias as the 0.5.” 

Wylan rolls his eyes. “Your neighbor, then. And you should date him. He’s sweet.”

Kuwei scowls. “Don’t meddle in my love life just because yours is in shambles.” 

“Say that again and I’ll start crying,” Wylan warns teasingly, and Kuwei groans dramatically. 

“It’s going to be more of your stupid friends,” Kuwei mutters, scowling at Wylan. Wylan knows that he’s right before the door even opens.