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i want the intimacy of underwear and t shirts without the expectation of anything more
the closeness of touch without the need for a kiss
the warmth of a hug without the mention of a fuck
the cuddle on the couch without talk of what’s next
the movie night without the after
i want it all but nothing at the same time
i want to tell someone i’m in love without them asking how far we’ve gone
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it feels like my body and brain are disconnected
i don’t know how to fix it but i don’t feel right
i don’t want to go back to the person people knew me as before i want them to forget they ever knew that side of me and have them start over with who i am
i am grateful for people who understand gender and love in the way that i do because it makes me feel a lot more together and whole when i don’t feel like i’m insane.
i am also grateful for those who see how i think about these things and don’t question it.
they don’t think the same way i do but they wholeheartedly agree and believe me
life never gets easier, but it does get less hard
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it’s that quiet car ride to the airport when you have nothing to say without it being sad or about being apart so you don’t say anything.
everything feels weird but you both know that without saying anything you are in solidarity about wanting to avoid more sadness.
avoiding may not be the best but it’s worked so far for me.
why not continue…
i want to call you baby without it feeling too much
i want to call you babe without it feeling too weird or sappy or overused
i want to call you love without sounding like i’m joking because i never am
i want to be silly and lovey and call you a cute little name but it feels wrong it feels weird
i try and try and i can say it in my head a million times over but saying it out loud feels like i’m trying to hard yet not trying hard enough at the same time
it feels like your going to laugh at me and tell me the whole thing was a big joke
it feels like i am going to be judged or say something that you don’t like and it’s going to fall apart
i feel like it’s not what i have been used to with you
before we were different with eachother and now we've changed how we are around one another but i can’t change everything and this is one of those things
i don’t know why because i so so desperately want to see you blush when i call you from the other room and welcome you home with a pet name but it feels off
What do you do when your completely in love with someone but its too late. You fucked it up. There’s no one you can blame but yourself. And you want them to be happy more than anyone else but that means that you don’t get to be happy.
You can’t risk it. Can’t risk losing someone so important. Can’t risk hurting them again.
But it’s all you feel every time you see them. Every time you think about them. Every time you think of something you want to share with them. You are reminded of how much you love them and want them near you. But you can’t. And it affects you at all times. Especially when your around them. And they think something is wrong because you’re acting weird.
What are you supposed to say. I love you….? Or nothing? Is it better to speak or die ?I don’t know. I would say speak but I don’t want to hurt them.
So I guess its better to die than to speak.
