#imfeelingtheflow

A few words that you might want to know before you read:

demi plié, fouetté, grand jeté, pirouette, plié: Basically a bunch of ballet positions and moves.

en pointe: Dancing with pointe shoes. You need a lot of training to work up the flexibility and strength of your ankles before you can start training (and eventually dancing) en pointe.

barre: A stationary handrail that is used for ballet warm ups and exercises.

marley floor: Dance floor surfaces made of sheet vinyl.

pas de deux: Meaning “step of two”. A dance duet.

———

Starting off the morning with nothing but painkillers and a glass of water probably wasn’t the best idea. Kaito had managed a few bites of a sandwich as well, thanks to Haruto, but he couldn’t force himself to consume more than that.

“–and soon he’s going to teach me how to do a pirouette!” Haruto chatted excitedly as they walked together through the halls of Heartland City Ballet. Kaito’s focus was fleeting, and he only heard about half the things coming out of his brother’s mouth. “He says I’m doing better, and if I keep improving I might get to practice en pointe next year!”

He squeezed Haruto’s hand, giving him a small smile. “That’s great.”

The hallway was buzzing with people. Countless dancers were moving about, probably on their way to their separate dancing sessions and practices. Thankfully, once they reached the east wing of the building the number of people decreased. Only dancers of higher position had their sessions in these studios, making it much less crowded than the common studios.

Haruto usually practiced in the common wings, since he was so young and still learning, but sometimes Yuma would invite him over to his room during private practices. Yuma Tsukumo, a newly developed and highly skilled dancer, often invited plenty of common ballet dancers to practice with him. Kaito didn’t see the point in it, but he wasn’t about to object to it and make a fuss.

Speaking of the devil…

“Yo, Kaito!” Yuma greeted from the doorway leading into his practice room. Music was spilling out from the studio, and Kaito could see a handful of dancers over by the barre. “Hey, Haruto! Ready for warm up?”

“Yeah!” Haruto said happily, quickly turning to Kaito. “I’ll see you later, Nii-san!”

Haruto rushed inside, but Yuma remained by the door for a moment. “Sure you don’t wanna join in, Kaito?” he asked. “I even got Shark to come along today.”

Kaito never quite knew whether Yuma was teasing him, or if the offers were genuine (it was most likely a weird mix of both), but the answer was always the same.

“I’ll have to decline.” And with that, he turned and kept walking through the hallway, heading towards his own dancing room. He could hear Yuma shouting ‘another time then!’ after him, before shutting the door and leaving Kaito only to hear the noise of his own footsteps in the sudden silence.

———

The room at the end of the east wing was like a second home to Kaito. The curtains hanging by the tall windows, the ceiling high above, adorned with an antique chandelier, the worn marley floors – it felt a bit extravagant, despite being old and well used.

He had just discarded his bag and was about to pull on his tutu when there was a light knock on the doorframe. Chris was wearing his usual sweater and slacks combination, accenting how obscenely tall he was.

“I thought I told you to take the day off,” he greeted as he walked into the room.

Kaito snorted. “Considering that you’re here, you must know me well enough to realize I ignore advice like that.”

“I suppose,” Chris said. He had probably been aware from the moment he made the suggestion that Kaito wouldn’t listen to it. Was still worth a try, huh?

Wiggling his hips as he pulled the tutu up his thighs, Kaito reached to secure it around his waist. Before his hands could reach the zipper in the back, another pair of hands were already gently pulling it up. Kaito froze in place, but refrained from slapping Chris’s fingers away.

“Still,” Chris said as he adjusted the waistband. “I think some vacation would serve you well right now.”

Kaito stood firmly in place, waiting for Chris’s hands to disappear before he reached for his leg warmers. “Days before a big performance? I don’t have time for that.”

He could see Chris’s worried expression in the huge mirrors stretching across the walls. He was always looking out for Kaito’s health and well-being. It was a part of his job as Kaito’s mentor. Lately he had seemed a lot more concerned though.

He had every reason to.

Chris sighed as Kaito went into position by the barre, stretching his limbs and going through his usual warm up movements. It marked an end to the conversation subject, so Chris supposed he’d just have to bring it back up at another time. Right now he had another pressing matter at hand.

“We’re going to have to find a replacement for Ryoga Kamishiro before the performance,” Chris stated bluntly, sitting down on his usual chair by the wall.

Kaito halted in the process of a demi plié, and threw a glance at his mentor. “A replacement?”

Crossing one leg over the other, Chris nodded. “I believe Yuma Tsukumo may be a suitable substitute. I thought I would ask for your opinion first though, since it’ll be a pas de deux between the two of you.”

“Why do we need a replacement in the first place?” Kaito asked, his tone sounding a bit harsher than intended. He hadn’t heard a word of this from Ryoga.

“Since Ryoga is leaving the company,” Chris explained, “he has chosen not to participate in any of the upcoming performances.”

“He’s… leaving?” Kaito was beyond confused now. How come he hadn’t heard about this earlier?

“Switching, actually,” Chris corrected.

“To where?” Kaito asked. But he already knew the answer by now. His mind had already filtered through his memories, reminding himself of all those letters Ryoga had complained about some time ago. The ballet company that wouldn’t get off his back for some reason.

“He’s switching to the Royal Barian Ballet.”

———

Kaito greeted Ryoga by harshly dropping his bag on the table he was sitting at.

“Royal Barian, huh?”

Ryoga froze and glared up from his food, fork still in his mouth. He definitely didn’t look like he was in the mood. Neither was Kaito.

“Would it be too much to ask for an explanation?” Kaito said as he sat down at the lunch table. It was Ryoga’s usual spot, in the far corner of the cafeteria. Somewhere in the back of his mind Kaito realized that soon this spot wouldn’t be his any longer.

Ryoga shrugged, trying to pull off an uninterested look. The motion was too jerky though, his face too stiff and strained. “There’s not much to explain.”

“You can start off by telling my why I learned about your plans on switching from Chris.”

Ryoga wasn’t eating anymore, just poking his salad uncomfortably. “He’s the one forwarding my resignation papers. Of course he knows.”

Kaito slumped back in his chair. His muscles were hurting and throbbing from his practice sessions, and from briskly walking through the whole building to get to the cafeteria. He should have taken a pill before going on lunch break, but on his way to confront Ryoga he had forgotten all about it. The pain in his limbs and chest were a vicious reminder of his mistake.

He didn’t even really know why he was so worked up about this. Maybe because Ryoga, along with Yuma, was the closest thing he had to a friend in this ballet company. Maybe because Ryoga was by far the best practice partner Kaito had, despite his idiotic teasing and his being a dork in general.

While Kaito sat there, practically fuming even as he attempted to calm down, Ryoga spoke up again. “It’s not like I was avoiding telling anyone. I just hadn’t found a good time yet.”

That was a shitty excuse. They both knew that.

Suddenly looking more determined, Ryoga took a sip from his glass of water before firmly putting it down on the table again. “You knew about the letters, though. Right?”

Kaito only gave a quick nod to confirm.

“Well, after receiving a shit ton of those, I had to go see what they wanted. I went to their place and met Durbe,” Ryoga said, pausing a bit to see if Kaito recognized the name. Of course he did. Durbe was one of the more well known dancers from Barian.

“…Rio and I used to attend the Royal Barian when we were really young, before we transferred to Heartland. Apparently, our parents made some deal about us returning to Barian when we got older.”

“…and now they’re trying to bring you back,” Kaito finished.

Ryoga frowned, once again poking his food. “They have been trying for the last few months. It wasn’t until recently that I cared to check the details though, and now that I did…”

Kaito just nodded slowly. No ballet company would just let go of skilled dancers like the Kamishiro twins. He knew Ryoga had transferred here from another company, but he never would have guessed he was a Barian.

“Does Yuma know?”

Ryoga shook his head, a painful looking crossing his features. “I don’t think so.”

“Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

———

Practicing with Yuma was both tiring and fulfilling. He had a way with words and actions, something about everything he said and did seemed to spread energy around him. A power like the sun, people would call it.

But he could also be fairly annoying.

“Kaito, the lift after your grand jeté is supposed to hold a bit longer,” Chris instructed after having watched them dancing for the umpteenth time that day. “And Yuma, please stop with the grimaces.”

Yuma just grinned, and Kaito doubted he would comply right away. “I’ll try!”

Chris threw a glance at his wrist, sighing as his shoulders slumped and relaxed. “Let’s have a five minute break, shall we?”

Yuma was quickly out the door, shouting something about ‘bathroom-break’ as he left the room. Kaito sighed, rubbing his sore neck as he sat down on the empty chair next to Chris.

“You do realize that no matter how many times you tell him, he’ll keep doing things his way?” Kaito said as he rummaged through his bag. He found his towel, wiping his face and hanging it across his shoulder as he kept looking for his box of medicine.

“Well, unlike you I’m not going to pamper or spoil him,” Chris answered. “My job is to point out everything that you two need to change and work on. So as long as he keeps acting childish I have to tell him not to.”

“Even though you know he’ll be serious once it’s actually time to perform.”

Chris just nodded, and was about to look up at Kaito in the same moment he was taking his pills. He politely looked the other way, but Kaito didn’t miss the concerned frown slipping through his carefully concealing mask.

“Are you sure you’ll be able to perform?” he asked softly.

Kaito pulled out a water bottle, gulping down the liquid as he tried to construct a reasonable answer. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Chris glanced at him, not convinced. “You haven’t even gone to see a doctor.”

“I don’t need a doctor.” Kaito’s body was telling him otherwise.

Another sigh, and this time Chris leaned forward, closer to Kaito. Kaito’s eyes flickered from Chris’s face to his own lap, not sure where to look.

“You may not admit it to yourself, but I notice that you’re in a bad condition,” Chris said slowly. He wasn’t going to just keep letting Kaito brush the topic aside. “I trust that you are able to know whether you can perform or not, but the moment you get off that stage, I want you to take this matter more seriously.”

Kaito crossed his arms, nodding after a moment. He didn’t really have a good reason to refuse. He must have looked grumpy about, because next thing he knew Chris’s hand was on his shoulder.

“You should take better care of yourself.”

He… didn’t really know how to respond to that. Chris’s face was too close, his face too sincere, and Kaito didn’t realize he was holding his breathe before Yuma burst in through the door, triggering a deep intake of air.

“Did– did I make it?” Yuma asked between panting and trying to catch his breath. His tutu was askew, his pointe shoes tied on clumsily. “It’s not been five minutes, right?”

Kaito quickly got up, finding himself a bit relieved at the distraction. He quickly went up to Yuma, pulling firmly at his skirt to fix it. Yuma yelped at the strong pull, but didn’t complain.

“Alright, back into starting position,” Chris said, waiting for the two boys to stand in the middle of the floor. Yuma in front of Kaito, Kaito’s hand on Yuma’s waist, legs outstretched and gazes downwards. With a click on Chris’s remote, music surrounded them and they were dancing again.

———

Kaito didn’t need a doctor. He told himself that every day as his limbs hurt without interruption. He didn’t need extra medical attention, he thought to himself as his chest pains got worse, to the point where he would end up gasping for breath in his private room because he could barely breathe. It wasn’t until show day, when there was chaos around him as everyone prepared for the big performance and his whole body was screaming ‘no’ that he thought; okay, maybe I do need a doctor.

He had gone through the first act perfectly fine. Yuma had asked him if he was alright, since his arms had been a bit shaky as he had lifted Yuma of the floor.

“I’m fine.”

He could make it through the show. He had to make it through.

He had seen Haruto in the front row. He had seen Ryoga, with some grey haired person and a blonde he didn’t quite recognize, sitting a bit further back. Chris was probably somewhere behind the scenes, making sure to get everyone ready.

“Hey, Kaito,” Yuma said, waving a hand before his face. “Kaitooooo?”

Kaito blinked, one of the assistants dabbing sweat from his forehead and collarbone. “What?”

“We’re going up soon. Ready?”

Kaito only managed a nod.

It felt like everything was moving really fast, like a tape on fast-forward. He had to put all his energy into focusing while he was on stage. He remembered every step, every jump, every plié and fouetté. Before he knew it, Yuma was spinning towards him one last time, falling and letting Kaito catch him. A last twirl, a last position, and then the music stopped and the curtains fell.

Kaito fell along with them.

———

He couldn’t say he was surprised at waking up surrounded by white walls. Something that did surprise him though, was the person sitting in a chair next to his bed.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, still a bit drowsy.

Ryoga grinned a bit. “Look who’s alive.”

Kaito tried to sit up, but decided it wasn’t a good idea when he felt a pang of pain in his chest. He slipped down into the pillows again, groaning.

“Don’t worry, I doubt many could tell you were basically dying as you danced,” Ryoga said. How reassuring. “Yuma got kind of freaked out when you suddenly fainted on him though.”

Kaito blinked, looking at his surroundings. The room was simple, mostly white, the only splashes of color coming from Ryoga and the bouquet on his bedside table. It took him a while to connect the dots, but his head seemed to clear and he realized he must have hit his limit right after the performance.

“How many days have I been here?”

“Three,” Ryoga answered. It was now that Kaito noticed he kept throwing glances at the clock on the wall.

“I was actually on my way out, but you just had to wake up when I was about to leave.”

Kaito would have laughed at that, but his lungs wouldn’t let him at the moment.

“Are you going to Barian now?”

“I already sort of have,” Ryoga admitted. “All the paperwork is done, I’ve moved all my stuff and gotten my new schedule.”

There was a short paus, before he said: “I told Yuma.”

Kaito wasn’t sure, but something about Ryoga’s tone felt unsettling. He was too tired to keep his eyes open anymore, so he couldn’t see his face.

“I’m guessing he got upset?”

“Well, yeah, at first. But then he… he just accepted it. Said it was fine, as long as I would check in on him and come dance with him every now and then.” There was a sigh, and they remained silent for a while.

“…That’s not gonna happen, is it?”

Even though he couldn’t see it, Kaito could imagine that Ryoga was shaking his head now, as he sighed in frustration.

“Nasch.”

Another voice, one Kaito didn’t recognize. He heard Ryoga get up from his chair, exchanging whispers with whoever that other person was.

“Ryoga?”

“Sorry Kaito, I have to go now,” Ryoga said, his voice a bit harder, a bit more distant. “I hope… you’ll recover soon.”