#ilovedthis

💙 Billie Dean Howard: 8/15 Long flowing skirts | Floral prints | Champagne | Sweet smelling perfume | Spring mornings | Fresh floral arrangements | Acrylic nails | Dusty pink | Pearls | Loose curls | The Bangles | Sweet talker | Long, tight hugs | Sharing dessert | Fresh linen

🧡 Lana Winters: 8/15 Flared jeans | Scotch on the rocks | Dreary winter afternoons by the fireside | The smell of old books | Dark, cosy corners | Modern classics | Ink-stained fingers | Statement jewelry | Burnt orange | Lana Del Ray | ABBA | Corduroy | Favourite blankets | Earl Grey tea | Holding hands under the table

💚 Cordelia Goode: 11/15 Plants as decoration | Silk blouses | White wine | Petrichor: the smell of dust after rain | The first light of daybreak | Herbal tea | Veritable drugstore in your handbag | Minimalist tattoos | Forest Green | Fleetwood Mac | Florence and the Machine | Palazzo pants | Scalp massages | Secret notes | Star gazing

💓 Bette and Dot Tattler: 6/15 Drive in movies | Freshly baked cookies | Snuggling up in bed on a cold morning | The Beatles | Ribbons in your hair | Daisy chains | Hand written letters | Virgin cocktails | Hot chocolate | Bullet journaling | A-line dresses | Hopeless romantic | Musical theatre | Old, worn photographs | Not giving up on your dreams

🖤 Sally McKenna: 6/15 Neon signs | Vodka neat | The Cranberries | Chokers | Chipped nail polish | Vintage clothing | Vinyls | Friendship bracelets | Nirvana | Dark, rainy nights | Dive bars | Open mic night | Ripped jeans | Dark lipstick | Animal print

💛 Audrey Tindall: 7/15 Lace trim | Fruity cocktails | Lazy summer afternoons | The smell of the ocean | Chunky knit cardigans | Always barefoot | Messy buns | Taylor Swift | Kissing in the rain | Pinkie rings | Buttercup yellow | Cindy Lauper | Overalls | Drunken Karaoke | Laughing until your sides hurt

❤️ Ally Mayfair-Richards: 10/15 Skinny jeans with oversized sweaters | Red wine | Vanilla scented candles | Late night conversations with close friends | Bubble baths | Tattoos in hidden places | Mulberry red | Rolling Stones | Tracing messages on bare skin | Fresh fruit | Power suits | Queen | Ankle bracelets | Protective mumma bear

💜 Wilhemina Venable: 6/15 Stilettos | Espresso Martinis | Minimalism | The peaceful silence at 3 am | Wide belts | Classical music | Lavender | Slick ponytails | Poetry | Indigo | Kate Bush | Intertwined pinkies | Classic literature | Fierce love | Shy smiles

🍑 Mildred Ratched: 6/15 The smell of freshly brewed coffee | Tailored clothing | Slow dancing in the living room | Breakfast in bed | Jewel tones | Mulled wine | Michael Bublé | Dimples | Sharing your deepest fears in the safety of the moonlight | Practical heels | Dextrous fingers | Irrepressible sweet tooth | Rosé | Making funny faces at babies | Eggshell Blue

𝐋𝐔𝐊𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒  ⇉  old me  

➢  old me by 5sos

“shout out to the old me and everything he showed me.”

you always were patient, you understood his feelings and tried to accept his actions. through all of the arguments, the break-downs, and the exits, you took it. there wasn’t an exact date you could remember the last time you had seen luke sober, you couldn’t remember his last time he came home before midnight, you couldn’t remember when he last told you he loved you, and you couldn’t remember the last time you saw him up and laughing with you while you bonded with petunia or made dinner together. you couldn’t see him as your boyfriend, you couldn’t see him and you last for much longer, nor could you see him in a few months with his child. 

“never a night alone, anywhere you wanna go. woke up in the morning wearing someone else’s clothes.”

“lu, i think it’s time to come to bed now.” you murmur, hearing luke in the living room while you peered out from your room that you had just finished setting out fresh clothes for luke in. luke came in, his clothes saturated with the scent of weed and alcohol, making you grimace and scrunch your nose at the scent. you walked towards him, helping him steady his 6′4 large frame. you gave him a smile, holding onto his wrist before you felt the tug away from your grasp. your smile dropped, luke murmuring a few drowsy words before looking the other direction. “why are you acting like that? i’m trying to make sure you don’t fall, let me help you lu.” you chided, luke giving you an eye-roll in response and a cold shoulder. “i don’t need your fucking help, get off my balls.” he says, stumbling away from you while you follow him into the bedroom. 

“just go.. go do something useful for once instead of standing around. fucking sick of you.” he sighs, “go!” his voice raising, which you turn for the exit and leave him alone in your room that you two used to sleep in together. the bed you used to sleep in together, the shower you two used together, and the intimate moments you two shared together in there. you took your spot on the bed in the guest room, listening to the rustling in your main bedroom. your hands would type in interviews from today, checking the feeds on social medias and seeing how he did today. it garnered a few suspicions that he was high during an interview today, which you probably could confirm he was due to the scent of him, but his glazed over eyes, slightly tinted red, it was a dead give-away. you cringed at his movements, looking at him gaze around the room with half-shut eyes. 

“pictures in my phone, with people i don’t know. woke up in the morning how the hell i’d make it home.”

luke couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen you without being high or drunk, he remembered very vaguely your last conversation. you were sitting in front of him, nervous as ever. he saw the way your lip trembled, the way your eyes bubbled with tears. he barely remembered the small white plastic stick in your hands, he barely remembered when you settled a sonogram in front of him, he couldn’t remember what words you exactly told him. he couldn’t remember what you described the future as. luke could remember the look settled in your eyes, fear and anxiety. luke could remember how he was high, luke definitely remembered him shrugging it off and telling you that this was fine. he could hardly remember the thoughts that ran through his head at the thought of being a father. he could remember when it turned bitter though, he remembered the large tear in your relationship.

“and they wondered how long i could keep it up. while i wondered if i’d ever, if i’d ever get enough.”

settled on the couch, finally having a decent moment with luke, seeing his soft interior and as-well as the rest of your friends were over. you let the silence float between you two, sipping on a glass of water while you heard the small chatter. you spoke up, “so, i don’t know if luke has told you guys. i don’t really know much anymore but, there should be a new hemmings in a few months.” which garnered the surprised reactions, feeling a bit anxious. they never really spoke to you about luke, not wanting to make it seem like they were there to be friends with you due to the fact that you were his girlfriend, but they didn’t want to say anything wrong. especially with the way that luke was acting now, they didn’t want to talk about his sobriety to you. 

“so, i was thinking about him and maybe like, therapy? i honestly don’t know, rehab?” you admitted, the air around you all becoming thick. you knew that maybe it wasn’t the best to discuss this with his friends but, you felt about wits end with this. you so desperately wanted to help him, you wished you could help him yourself, but this wasn’t for you to fix no matter how much you loved him. they could tell your heart was in the right place, but they also didn’t know you as well as luke’s other girlfriends. they very vaguely heard about you, now hearing about this future hemmings, it was a bit odd. “well, whatever is best. we’ve seen these past few months to an extent, so y’know you talk to him about that. i don’t think i have any room to talk about him.” ashton explains, calmly which was nice compared to the glares that you were receiving from michael and calum. 

“and i did some shit i never should have done. i would do it over now, i’d do it over.”

“understand what i’m saying lu, this isn’t you. none of this is you!” you shouted, a migraine and stress pulsing through your head while you argued with luke. “i’m not trying to make you feel like a crazy person or a bad person, you just need help.” you explain, seeing luke’s pacing in the living room while you were settled on the sofa. your hand was nestled on your bump, luke sighing. he shakes his head, “no fucking way. i’m not going to fucking rehab! not for my fans, not for my friends, not for my family, and especially not for fucking you.” he goes on and on, stopping in front of you before taking his leave to the nursery which you followed him to. you stopped in the doorway to your heart dropping, there was the first sonogram you ever had, the glass cover attached to the frame shattered and crumbled to shards on the floor. 

luke’s hand swiped to push off the abundance of onesies, socks, and hats on top of the drawer, neatly placed and folded. the two stuffed animals were shoved off, his hands dug into the drawers and practically almost tore the wooden boxes from the frame of the drawer. more clothes were on the floor, surrounding luke while he ranted and let out his feelings. “don’t you see? don’t you see i don’t care? just get the fuck out, don’t.. don’t call me until you’re ready to stop controlling my life.” he shouted, your hands dropping to your sides before you gave him a shrug. you turned around, looking at the mess, everything you planned by yourself and the hopes of turning to a new leaf with him. you sighed, “hope you’re happy luke hemmings, you have quite the life.” with that, luke watched you walk out. you walked out with a heavy heart and the feeling that you had failed as a mother. 

“another round here we go, going in blow for blow. look into the mirror take the punches that i throw.”

luke received your call that day, so fresh from one of his new friend’s house, high as sky is the limit, he made it down there and was met with his friends with their girlfriend’s who were in the waiting room. he saw the looks from them, he saw the disappointment in their eyes and the almost pitiful glance. “she’s uh.. room 456 with ash and kaykay.” calum murmured, looking everywhere but luke’s worn appearance and his glazed over eyes. he nodded and mumbled a thank you which calum didn’t acknowledge or respond to. while luke was in the elevator, he suddenly could remember what you told him, he could remember you telling him you loved him and how you were afraid of doing this all alone. he could remember your lingering hand on his own, luke remembered the soft tone that was almost as sweet as honey and as soft as rain. he remembered the tears that came down on your porcelain skin as if raindrops were hitting a glass pane window. he remembered his careless tone, his careless words as if he didn’t care. he remembered the day you left, it was him. when he saw himself and he thought about himself, he didn’t want that. god, he was the problem, wasn’t he? how could he live with himself, knowing he was pushing away the sliver of hope for him. he was pushing away everything that mattered to him, he felt disgusted, disgusted he turned to this person. 

with the elevator coming to a halt, luke walking up to the front desk in the maternity ward, checking in. his hands pulled the door open, the sound of the heartbeat, the warbling noise, it was comforting. there was ashton, bed-side while kaykay sat in a chair next to them on standby. “hey.” luke breathed out, all of their heads picking up to look at his voice filling their ears. “hey luke.” ashton responded, giving him a monotone type response. luke was captivated by you though, this was probably his least haziest moment he had with her this whole year. your hair was pulled back and your body covered in a white sheet, your bump covered by the hospital gown. your hand was in ashton’s own, multiple needles going into your hand. you smiled at him, quickly breaking eye contact and focusing on the wall behind him. “i can take it from here. i can handle this shit.” luke murmured, taking steps forward to the bed where ashton was at. ashton brushes him off, “never said you couldn’t alright? we’ll go back to the waiting room.” ashton says, kaykay nodding in response and suddenly the room felt smaller. luke watched the exit, pulling the chair up next to the side of the bed. 

“i’m constantly reminded of all the compromises, by the people from my past who have a hard time letting go.”

the next few hours of small bickering, then the long and painful hour of the pushing, luke held your hand. luke gave small whispers of encouragement, his lips only centimetres away from your ear. the moment you heard the cheers, your head resting against the pillow while you silently cried and you smiled when you heard the words, “it’s a baby girl!” the small baby girl placed against your chest, now hearing the loud cries from her. luke could’ve sworn he would drop dead at the sight of you, the mother of his child, and his daughter only minutes old on your chest. he saw the disappointed look on your face when you had to hand her over to the nurses to be checked out, pressing a kiss to your lips for the first time in months. your breath hitched when it happened, luke having the feeling that you didn’t love him anymore, and he didn’t blame you. he couldn’t, not after the way her treated you, not after you stayed until luke made you leave. 

his hands could barely even cut her umbilical cord with the surgical scissors, trembling hands from the mixture of anxiety and him slowly sobering up, also the thought that maybe she could feel the cutting of the cord, he slowly cut before hearing the little applause from the nurses. he regretted it all, he felt the regret when he heard she was seven pounds and four ounces, he regretted it when he he saw her little squirm in the cot. luke regrettted staying away when he washed her, cleaning the identical blonde curls that he had. he regretted these past nine months because it took him so long to appreciate it before it was gone. he heard the soft gurgles that escaped from her lips, feeling her chubby soft cheek pressed against the crook of his neck. 

luke pressed a kiss to her head, feeling the identical blonde curls brush against his lips. when he handed over the little girl, looking at the two of you together. his heart sunk, he had spent nine agonizing months of arguing and pushing you away, he spent no time learning about his daughter.

“devil at my door, got me knockin’ knockin’ knockin’ on the other side.”

luke daintily held your hands, sniffling while you were crouched in front of him. he lately had been struggling after detox, scared of going back to his ways. he had closed the door behind him in the bathroom, you hearing the clattering of a few objects but finished feeding your daughter and then putting her down before you could go check on luke. there he was, sitting on the floor with his head between his knees while you heard incoherent murmurs from his chapped lips. his hands trembled and your feet made contact from the smooth hardwood to the cold, hard tiled flooring. “lu?” you called out, now in this position. 

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry. i can’t- i’m scared. i don’t want to want it anymore, i need help. i’m scared.” he rambled, concealing his face with his hands. your hands slowly and gently pulled at his own, moving them away from his face. there were the bags underneath his eyes, the tears stinging and staining his eyes red. they slowly made their way down his pale, porcelain skin. your fingers made their way to brush them away, your lips pressing against his cheek. “i’m proud of you.” you breathe out, seeing luke’s blue eyes light up and stare back at you. there was the embarrassment, the anger, and the sadness behind his eyes.

“i know this is hard lu, but i’m proud of you. i don’t expect you to recover easily, but just you being able to go to detox and you coming in here instead of letting yourself lose control. it shows me that i know you’re getting progress, this all is going to take baby steps. luckily we have a very cute daughter, we also have time. we have people, people who will support you and aide you during this. soon you’ll be okay, i may not know for sure, but time will tell us both. i wanna show you something.” you finish, helping luke up from the floor and letting him take hold of your hand while you two went back to the living room.

“look at her, she’s you lu. she’s all yours, that came from you.” you murmured, taking him down to the floor and picking up your daughter from her spot. luke slowly took his spot next to you, his head laying against your shoulder. there she was, his light, his motivation to make a change in himself. she let out a soft coo, hand clutching to his point finger that he held out for her. 

“we’re in this together lu, us three.” 

Hellooo.

I've just finished reading Gallant by V.E Schwab. It's the second book I've read that's written by her, with the first being The Invisible Life of Addie Larue.

Moving on...

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED GALLANT OH MY FREAKING GOODNESS!!

I borrowed it from the library but I'm 100% going to get the physical copy for myself now.

I'M OBSESSED.

Basically, it's about this girl called Olivia. (In layman's terms)

BUT,

There's so much more than that, too!

I won't say much, no spoilers!

(Spoil it yourself! 😜 Actually, don't.)

But, some things I want to share...

(basically, details about the writing, and what I liked. Once again, no spoilers!)

1) I really loved how the author wrote it! It's in third person, with a storytelling vibe. I kept on finding tiny little rhymes as well, and that definitely had me smiling.

2) I really loved how the author used a certain item as a literary device to give us readers info and knowledge on what has happened in the world within Gallant. The item itself doesn't play a huge role in the story, but functions more or less as a bridge between the reader and the story, making it so important as well! And the way the author uses that item as a literary device? Chef's kiss.

3) The way the author gives you info on the MC and setting is AMAZING! Think of the type of book where you're halfway through and someone asks you what it's about but you just DON'T KNOW how to explain because the release of information is gradual but perfectly timed. And also because of the WAY the author gives you the info.

4) How the author managed to weave in a smaller, yet still emotionally touching story between the main one. The smaller story might be seen as just background info, but how V.E Schwab wrote it makes me want to treat it as an unwritten story of its own. (I really want to read/write [haha, me and my delusional thoughts] a fanfic expanding on that smaller story with more details now. 😢😢 I'm pretty sure it's out there, I just gotta find it...or write it.)

5) It's a standalone novel, perhaps a young adult novel, based on the age of the MC.

I've been talking a lot about the writing, but honestly, the plot is pretty good, too.

ONE LAST NOTE!

There's literally so many things I want to rant about, right now I think Gallant is an absolute MASTERPIECE!I would give anything to read it for the first time again. Looking through the book, I can find so many things I want to yap on. The writing style, the literary devices used...I could talk forever. But, I have to leave you to enjoy it.