#ifroze

"The body's reaction to being threatened (not just flight or fight, but also freezing in the face of danger) is something that can influence the way each of us deals with being threatened, especially in an intimate setting.  If you don't know your limits, and thus can't articulate them, your body gets the message across however it can.  That can mean lying completely still, numbed, and waiting for it to end.  I have been there."

"We don't discuss what to do when we are touched inappropriately or made to feel uncomfortable, and how incredibly brave and frightening it is to stand up and yell.  These things certainly aren't given time in school.  We are given seminars on self-esteem and self-defence, but no time is given to the wider reality of being a girl: that we are constantly taught to feel weak and afraid, and that we aren't given reason to talk about this or what we're feeling.  For these reasons, and many more, I worry."

From the age of 15 to 20 I was in two serious, long term relationships, one after the other. I kidded myself that because the start of the second was 'casual' and began when I had just begun college that I knew all about what being a young, single girl was like.  Like all other girls I had experienced sleazy men hitting on me in nightclubs but I thought the reason that nothing had happened to me that made me feel uncomfortable or put me in a compromising situation was because I was smart and better than other girls that those things happen to.  I believed (as we're taught to) that if you 'do the right thing' and wear the right clothes and don't create an image of you as a slut, then nothing bad will ever happen to you.

Before you punch the computer screen, I wholeheartedly admit that my entire mindset was incredibly naive and condescending towards a huge amount of girls and their experiences.  Despite framing my opinions in a different light, I was subconsciously blaming them.

About six months ago, maybe more, I started to understand the position that way too many girls are put in because I found myself there too.

And I froze.

I found myself in a number of situations where instead of saying no, it was easier to say yes, or just go with it.  Or instead of hosing them down or yelling a perfectly worded, 'modern woman's rights' speech, I said absolutely nothing, just moved my body away from theirs or mumbled a small protest which was often repeated (and ignored) multiple times.

As a smart, strong, educated and empowered woman, you're expected to just be able to deal with these situations.  In a liberal, western environment, we're told we're sexually liberated, allowed to control our bodies as we please, don't have to do anything with anyone regardless of what we might have insinuated we would do.  And time after time, we're told to stand up for ourselves and don't take anyone's shit, but what about when we can't?

There is a special kind of shame felt when you can't live up to your own expectations.  When the standards you thought you held yourself to crumble beneath you.  You think to yourself, 'I'm so much better than this, how can I not voice what I really want to say?'.  You fuzzily play the scenario over in your head, focusing only on how their actions made you feel and when you should have done or said something, ANYTHING.  

I know I've been in this situation, I know my friends have and I know collectively, we've shrugged or laughed it off.  I know sometimes, we've sought the guy's attention again, and I'm writing about this now because I want to acknowledge how complex these situations can be, how hard they are to deal with, especially in the moment, and how confused they can make you feel.  The gap between between wanting to stone the guy to death and pretending it never even happened isn't actually that big and the way you dealt with what occurred, doesn't reflect the kind of person you are.

So what I'm saying is, continue supporting your friends, continue your roaring about how completely unacceptable it is for one person to make another feel uncomfortable and helpless, especially in such an intimate setting but when you or your friends find yourselves unable to take a stand, be gentle and think of how frightening it is to do so.  Perhaps find another way to make your voice felt heard.  If it helps, do it here.  Post what you wish you could have said or done when you felt so completely powerless that you froze.

Because I've been there and no matter how much rage I have for all forms of sexual abuse, intimidation and coercion, #ifroze