#idontknoweither

After so many weeks off of social media, I have forgotten how to blog. So many private posts, but nothing I really have a desire to share. There's just so many unprocessed "stuff" in my head.

Recently in life: Passed my OT boards & now a registered/licensed Occupational Therapist. Praise God that the crying and studying is over. (Well...maybe just the studying part.) Currently in life: Job searching (3 more months before loan grace period ends.) MEH. Figuring out what ministry looks like in this season, learning to steward well what's before me and dreaming about going on missions.

Feeling a little antsy and honestly a little bit stuck. (I guess it’s bad when you’re home too long to have all this time to think). I know I can’t be stuck when I’m still walking with Jesus...but in my heart I’m still processing why I feel this way. I also know I need to deal with these feelings. Self-awareness is hard.

As of now I have no idea what the future will look like, actually...in all honesty, I can’t even be sure of what the next month of my life will be like. So I keep reminding myself that faith is hope in the unseen -- not in what is seen. I've wrestled with really believing that there can be joy and beauty in uncertainty because I get to take little steps of faith that give me opportunities to please my Father. Which is a beautiful, yet super scary process.

This season is a combination of waiting, receiving, asking, and transitioning. But again and again if there’s a constant thing I can rest assured in, it’s I have Father who knows, who cares, and who continually points me back to Him. It's continuing this merging and balancing of a view of God who is yet so big and who has such grand plan and purpose for all humanity, yet cares so much individually and uniquely about the details in our lives.

Every morning and night this past week, he has given me this constant reminder: that although He loved me, died for me, and lives in me...this life isn't about me ( I know, DUH Grace!). But he so graciously and gently reminds me that it's not about the job I'll take, where I'll be sent, what my passions and dreams are, not even who I will marry. Those are really really good things that He wants to give, but I need to be reminded DAILY that He is BETTER than those things.  

So I am continually reminded that yes, I do matter, and yes, he cares about the little things. But he is also reminding me that more than that my life is an important thread being woven in this tapestry of a beautiful redemptive story of God calling his people back to himself. This reminder is so needed in order to place me in a position of worship and surrender. It places me in a place of deep longing for Holy Spirit to lead me because I know my heart is so prone to wander.

(I am bad at naming things, don’t blame me. Seriously, if you have title ideas tell me)

How rapacious must you be

How covetous your life

That riches are all you see

and only Plutus can be your wife

Don’t you know of treasures which lay within?

To add to your hoard a collection

to the people so important

to it their knees they bent

While you only view your reflection

Don’t you know of the people suffering?

As if not before

Your hoard was palatial

Their hatred a shell

As you see mercy as a chore

Don’t you know when enough is enough?

Now opulence is your biggest regret

Because the people do not forget

Plutus turned from you

When your cruelty grew

Didn’t you knew,

Boychild: "Hey,  M, why was your croc in the freezer?"