#idk this is garbage

so hey what’s up, i’m tori, i’m ace and probably aro but mostly just miserable. 

i love seeing all of the really joyous positive posts on these national queer days- it’s really nice to see people in love and happy and building families with people who love and support them. i love seeing people proud of their identities and their communities but i also always feel really sad looking at these posts and reading these stories.

 i’ve never been ashamed to be queer, i’m always open to talking about it with people who have questions but getting down to the nitty gritty and expounding up the “queer” is hard for me. i’ve always felt incredibly other in my queerness- i’ve felt really excluded from the community because “ace isn’t queer” and “you just want attention” and i’ve always felt really excluded from straight people because “you just haven’t tried it” and “you just need to meet the right person.” i’ve never been proud to call myself ace. i’ve never been excited to talk about it i’ve never wanted to explain to people how much i struggle with it. 

no one wants to talk about the lack of pride certain parts of the queer community has. no one wants to talk about the people who are ashamed of their sexuality because it’s okay to be gay! and you should love who you love! and be your best, most authentic self! which is true!! but i’ve spent an awful lot of my life wondering if i was even capable of loving another human being. i’m still not sure. i mostly don’t think i am. and that terrifies me more than i care to admit. 

i’m.....okay with not being sexual. mostly. sometimes. i know that there are people in long term, loving relationships that are ace and that is so so wonderful and beautiful but i’m not convinced i’m ever going to be able to find my person. i was talking to my therapist recently about how everyone gets a certain percentage of what they need from each of the people in their lives and at some point you’re getting everything you need from however many people it takes, right? and how if you’re getting 75% from one person but you need to go get that 25% from someone else, that’s fine. but i don’t know what to do when you’re getting 95% from someone and you know that honestly? it’s the full 100% but that last 5% is just fear that their percentages look differently than yours. 

i struggle a lot with the concept that i’m never going to be enough for someone. and a lot of that is my ocd and my obsession with being someone’s favorite person but a lot of that is rooted in knowing that my sexuality is a dealbreaker and always has been. i want to be able to be someone’s 100% but i’m really not convinced i can be when people only see me as maybe 65%. 

and that’s how i feel. i feel less than, i feel broken up, i feel incomplete. because i can’t blame it on anything as easy as a weird personality flaw or a body image issue or wearing socks with sandals. it’s something about myself i can’t change- and god knows that i’ve tried- and i just can’t reconcile that. i have too much to give and nowhere to put it and no one willing to take it. 

so that’s how i feel about these queer holidays. sad and lonely and hurting. this is how i feel most of the time let’s be very honest. these are the feelings at the end of every thought spiral and depressive episode. it’s that voice reminding me that i’m going to die alone because not only am i incapable of loving but unworthy of receiving it anyway. 

Pattering on the cement

It feels...right

I’ve always been a rain girl 

Not this bullshit where it’s always raining, all the time

But when you’re walking and suddenly you’re caught in a torrential downpour

The rain overwhelming everything around it

Cleaning up the mess we’ve left behind

Rain feels like that: cleansing.