just trying to not explode

so hey what’s up, i’m tori, i’m ace and probably aro but mostly just miserable. 

i love seeing all of the really joyous positive posts on these national queer days- it’s really nice to see people in love and happy and building families with people who love and support them. i love seeing people proud of their identities and their communities but i also always feel really sad looking at these posts and reading these stories.

 i’ve never been ashamed to be queer, i’m always open to talking about it with people who have questions but getting down to the nitty gritty and expounding up the “queer” is hard for me. i’ve always felt incredibly other in my queerness- i’ve felt really excluded from the community because “ace isn’t queer” and “you just want attention” and i’ve always felt really excluded from straight people because “you just haven’t tried it” and “you just need to meet the right person.” i’ve never been proud to call myself ace. i’ve never been excited to talk about it i’ve never wanted to explain to people how much i struggle with it. 

no one wants to talk about the lack of pride certain parts of the queer community has. no one wants to talk about the people who are ashamed of their sexuality because it’s okay to be gay! and you should love who you love! and be your best, most authentic self! which is true!! but i’ve spent an awful lot of my life wondering if i was even capable of loving another human being. i’m still not sure. i mostly don’t think i am. and that terrifies me more than i care to admit. 

i’m.....okay with not being sexual. mostly. sometimes. i know that there are people in long term, loving relationships that are ace and that is so so wonderful and beautiful but i’m not convinced i’m ever going to be able to find my person. i was talking to my therapist recently about how everyone gets a certain percentage of what they need from each of the people in their lives and at some point you’re getting everything you need from however many people it takes, right? and how if you’re getting 75% from one person but you need to go get that 25% from someone else, that’s fine. but i don’t know what to do when you’re getting 95% from someone and you know that honestly? it’s the full 100% but that last 5% is just fear that their percentages look differently than yours. 

i struggle a lot with the concept that i’m never going to be enough for someone. and a lot of that is my ocd and my obsession with being someone’s favorite person but a lot of that is rooted in knowing that my sexuality is a dealbreaker and always has been. i want to be able to be someone’s 100% but i’m really not convinced i can be when people only see me as maybe 65%. 

and that’s how i feel. i feel less than, i feel broken up, i feel incomplete. because i can’t blame it on anything as easy as a weird personality flaw or a body image issue or wearing socks with sandals. it’s something about myself i can’t change- and god knows that i’ve tried- and i just can’t reconcile that. i have too much to give and nowhere to put it and no one willing to take it. 

so that’s how i feel about these queer holidays. sad and lonely and hurting. this is how i feel most of the time let’s be very honest. these are the feelings at the end of every thought spiral and depressive episode. it’s that voice reminding me that i’m going to die alone because not only am i incapable of loving but unworthy of receiving it anyway. 

knowing that you’re sad because of wassit. environmental depression and there’s......not actually anything you can do about it!! is so much worse than just being regular clinically depressed!!!!! 

all i want is to not hyperfixate on the dumbest shit that i don’t even care about. 

i am so used to this all or nothing mentality when it comes to friendships that the second something stops being Everything All the Time i feel slighted and lash out with Aggressive Nothing because well, that’s what they’re asking for right? 

in retrospect, this kind of relationship is unsustainable in the long run. i can’t even say that it never occurred to me because as i’m sitting here thinking about it- it’s not like i haven’t cut people off for expecting me to be there All the Time. but it feels, felt?, different. maybe because this time there was mutual On or maybe just because it was me dumping out every single thought and not having to sit there listening. it never occurred to me that THIS was weird or inappropriate because it was so natural and i’m not really in the habit of questioning the things that make me happy. 

i want to be able to be a normal fucking person that can be fucking happy for other people but i am an envious fucking GOBLIN that is incapable of empathy or sympathy or anything good or valid

the past three years have been nothing but segregation and silence and looking back i can’t even say i don’t know how it happened- because i do. i stopped trying because it got too hard with everyone else and it didn’t feel worth it and i was- am- tired of being hurt and let down by people i love and trust. it wasn’t on purpose but this bottleneck has gotten so so small. 

i’ve never had to think about it in the past- it just went to shit and i had a fallback and everything was fine until it went to shit again. but i don’t have a fallback plan anymore and i haven’t in a long time. 

meira asked if i thought about things going to pot and how i felt about it. and yeah of course i think about it, that’s the nature of these anxieties and obsessive spirals but i can’t dwell on it or everything starts shutting down. i don’t know what would happen at this point and that’s scarier than anything else i can think of. when you don’t have anything outside of one person there’s not a lot of life worth living and i’m tired of things being like this but i don’t know how to fix it. 

i want my brain to not be so clingy and desperate to please. it gets me in so so much trouble and i know that this hole is a lot deeper than it’s ever been and i just don’t know what to do. 

look here’s the one thing i know for sure- 

especially in this case because it’s like. 

maybe he does like me. and then what? either there’s a conversation or there isn’t. and if there is it’s going to be hugely disappointing for everyone involved because it’s not like i can just.. i can’t just turn it off. and every time i try i make it all so much worse. and then it’s not just loneliness it’s really truly terrible self deprecation for the next ten years and isn’t there enough of that already? 

and that’s exactly what this boils down to-