#idiocies

“I’m an orphan. Aaaaaand I don’t know who my father is. There, I did not plan on telling you like that, but doesn’t matter anymore anyhow…” Ori shrugged, throwing himself on my bed and – shamelessly – breathing in the smell of my pillow, which I would have found creepy if I had not stolen one of his shirts to sniff while in bed.

I stared at him blankly for a few seconds; I would need to have a long, hard thinking session about what these men apparently took for disqualifying elements. Ori had taken off his shoes before falling onto the mattress like a dead man and that kind of forethought was worth a set of silver cutlery in my book; also, his body on my bed did all kinds of weird things to my stomach.

“Jia…why do you not love us? I made you tea?” Thorin sat down heavily on Tova’s bed, cracking open another beer and looking at me with such a deep sense of hurt in his eyes that I couldn’t resist going over and patting his head as if he really was a huge cat.

“Tova is the girl of my dreams, and she will abso-fucking-lutely leave me if you don’t like me,” he tried to whisper but the whole room could hear his words just fine, as proven by the soppy expression on Tova’s face.

She went to sit down next to him on that bed that was ‘theirs’ already in my mind; they looked good together, like they belonged: comfortable, trustful, and – did I dare say it? – happy.

“Yeah, do you believe Thrandy? I mean you are Lo’s tutor…” Fíli looked at me sternly – the effect marred by the lopsided grin he couldn’t quite suppress every time Lo was in the same room – and waited, swaying slightly until he just sat down on the floor.

“The hell I am; she just manipulated me into taking her to that barbecue so she could fuck you in the woods or something,” I groaned, watching how Lo just sat down between his legs, her back fused to his chest.

“But, do you think that being…erm…not rich and stuff and not having parents in the strictest of senses…well, will you try to convince Lo not to come on that date? If so, we’ll be leaving right now,” Fíli declared with a petulant, grim nod that made his eyes flash like silver. What had happened to their parents? How right had Thranduil been?

In my mind, I was taken back to their game and to the physical prowess we had witnessed. Just because they were thoughtful, kind, and in a word, tame when in our presence, it didn’t follow that they were not potentially dangerous. I was loath to admit that we all tasted that crackling static on our tongue whenever they moved fast or frowned the way Fíli just had, because I knew that we relished the slight shiver running up our spine and going straight to our head to make it spin wildly.

“Oh, my dear God, when have I become the judge of all things? I thought you were already dating!” I exclaimed, throwing up my hands, “I am the idiot pining for that one over there – apparently asleep on my bed – who am I to judge?”

Truth and frustration – intermingled – broke free from the bonds of my self-control and, honestly, self-denial.

“’m not asleep,” Ori mumbled – very much asleep indeed – before burrowing deeper into my pillow.

They were ridiculous; I had never witnessed anything half as ludicrous and so, I nodded when Tova extended a beer to me as well. We were on campus, we were home, we didn’t have to drive anymore, and I had seen my fair share of misery on that day; there was no reason not to indulge.

“Truth or dare!” Fíli yelled, waking Ori in the process, and slinging his arms around Lo as if the floor had suddenly dipped drastically under his ass – which it might have in his mind – or maybe, it was just the loss of inhibitions that made him seek out her proximity and tenderness a bit more openly.

“I’ll start,” Thorin declared – and I should have seen that one coming – he asked me right away.

“Truth,” I played it safe. I did not trust them not to push me harder than I could bear.

“Why don’t you love us?”

I groaned.

“No, really, I’m looking out for a friend here…why do you NOT love us? Are we not loveable? Is it the money? The status? The dead parents? What is it? We can fix it, well maybe not the dead parents, but…” he rambled on, and I caught Tova’s warning look.

A thousand answers came to mind – deflection, humour, faked anger – but ultimately, I crouched down in front of his slumped figure and put my hand on his.

“I am not good at loving people, Thorin, I am not like you. For what it’s worth though, if I could love people easily, I’d certainly love you bunch!” It was the best I could do and before I could retreat, his arms were slung around me in a crushing embrace.

“Please, please try Jia! I do not know how much more of this he can take,” Thorin whispered – this time for real – into my ear.

As all girls are wont to do, I called out Tova next for she was the person I knew best, but she chose ‘dare’.

“Call your parents and tell them you’re dating someone,” I challenged her and – holding my gaze – she dialled her mother’s number; as soon as we heard the woman greet her daughter, Tova plunged into speech: “Mom? I’ve called to let you know that I’ve met someone and we’re seeing each other.” Mumbling on the other end of the line.

“Oh, he’s the kindest, funniest, most amazing person in the world. Also, he looks like someone out of a fairy tale,” Tova went on; yes, I thought, he looks much more like the big, bad wolf than like Red Riding Hood though, but I kept my peace.

Instead of walking around or doodling, Tova played with Thorin’s fingers, smiling encouragingly at him as the old insecurity – that shadow he let her see despite his pride – flitted through the night sky of his eyes like a single, dark raincloud.

Fear not, the curvature of her lips spelled out, I have chosen you and I’d choose you a thousand times over again.

“Hmmm? Oh no, nothing happened to that one, it’s the same one. Ah, yes, thank you, gotta go. Love you, call you back later!”

Tova had told her mother about the cute guy in her Economics class, we realised, and her mother had asked what had happened to that one. Embarrassing but also kind of sweet.

Tova – being the self-content queen she was – went for Fíli who didn’t even let her finish before he called ‘dare’.

“Take a minute to treat Lo as if you were not in public and not about to have sex, as if time did not exist…”

Oh, Tova was devious indeed. Wasn’t the purpose of this to make people do things they did not want to do?

We watched – amazed – as he lifted her hair gently, pushing it down over one shoulder and started peppering small kisses down the curve of her neck, his arm tightening around her waist and his hand brushing down her arm tenderly. What hecouldn’t see was how Lo’s lids fluttered shut over eyes luminous with surprise and pleasure as her head lolled to the side before dropping back against his shoulder. And then, he just pressed his face into the soft skin of her throat – immobile – just breathing in the smell of her skin and feeling the beating of her accelerating pulse against his lips.

In the blink of an eye, all that vibrating energy about him seemed to have been drawn into a core of steady, thrumming heat as he stilled against her; there was something so powerful in that brazen display of deep-felt and unapologetic tenderness that I almost wanted to look away from the scene as it seared my eyes to the point of them starting to tear up.

Oh, it was like watching a lion lie down to be petted by its handler, dropping onto its side trustingly and allowing himself to be at peace in the presence of someone who was neither predator nor prey to him.

One look at her peaceful face told me that Lo knew this as well and that he was utterly wrong to doubt her affection; she knew that he might have shredded her easily and trusted him not to. How would I ever have been able to undo such a bond even if I had wanted to?

“Cousin, are you back amongst the living? Good, truth or dare?” Fíli’s eyes snapped open with a wicked gleam in them.

Ori seemed to know the question he would be asked if he chose ‘truth’, so he hesitated for a moment, collecting his thoughts – adrift in the haze of beer and hurt – before sitting up straighter on the bed.

“Dare,” he declared, his voice trembling just the tiniest bit, his eyes pleading not to be thrown to the wolves and made a fool of in front of everyone. I took another sip of beer, wondering if I was to be pulled into this – I was almost certain that I would – and if things would get even more confusing than they already were – of which I was also almost entirely convinced.

so stop saying i haven't found the right one okay. i would have met someone by 16, anyone, who wasn't fucking gay and therefore would never ever ever consider me