#identity development

I’m a potentially a newly discovered system

Idk how to transition into this question, so I’m just gonna get into it:

So, there are two other presences that I can feel in my head that are kind of separate people, but they don’t front or anything.

Is there a way to help them fully develop or something like that?

Hi! It’s totally fine for headmates or system members to not front, we have alters in our own system who front very rarely, if ever! As far as helping these system members develop more, the biggest thing we think you could do to help them is just to spend a lot of time with them! Talk with them, ask questions, let them know what’s been going on in your life and ask for their opinions. Building a headspace together, if you don’t already have one, may be a good way for them to each learn more about their preferences and who they are as individuals 💖

Learning about different types of plurality may in turn help you learn more about these potential headmates and more about your own potential multiplicity! So we’ll go ahead and link our resource post for questioning systems for you, just in case something listed could be helpful:

Genuinely though, we think it’s possible that the more time you spend with these headmates, the more they’ll be able to develop into their own multifaceted, complex individuals! So don’t rush yourself and try to have fun with this process! It may be good to keep an open mind and allow them to experiment and be fluid with their identity and sense of self as they’re still finding their way in life.

It very well could be possible for them to develop without ever fronting! Our partner system has a member who never front who is quite well rounded and complex! Fronting isn’t a requirement for developing, changing, and becoming your own unique individual ✨

Not sure how much these posts might help, but we’ll go ahead and link a little headmate form one of our parts made a while back along with our other post on individuality and self discovery!

Some of the tips in our “Finding Ourselves” post do involve fronting, but we hope that something in it could be helpful anyways! You could always conduct interviews, ask them questions, and talk to them to help them round out their identities a bit more.

We hope something we’ve said here works for you! Feel free to update us in the future on how it’s been going with these headmates gaining some form of identity for themselves!

Homonormativity vs Heteronormativity, & Falling In-Between

Most of us have seen the term “heteronormativity”, where people assume that heterosexuality (“straight”) is the default (often paired with “and anything else is gross/abnormal/bad”).

Homonormativity is similar in its strict lines, though it allows for two to three LGBT+ identities: gay, lesbian, or homosexual. You are one of these, or you’re “straight”, and there’s nothing in-between.

This is the transition that some allies (some well-meaning, some not) have made, and some queer/LGBT+ people fall into the trap of. “Bisexuality isn’t real, you’re gay or straight.” “Do you like boys, or girls?” “What do you mean you’re ‘hetero-flexible’? You’re just straight.” “You’re just trying to invade the gay/lesbian community. You’re not one of us.”

We went from “you’re straight, or you’re bad/confused”, “you’re straight, you just need (conversion) therapy” to a similar binary, “you’re gay or straight”, or you’re wrong about your own orientation/what attracts you. The point is to only accept lesbians who are butch, or extremely fem straight women, & gay men who are very fem or straight men who are very “macho” and “manly”.

Humans (& other animals) are not strictly black-and-white binary, no matter the labels & packaging. The whole point of an LGBTQ+ community is that we are united in our differences. We aren’t a community because we’re all the same. We’re a community because we were excluded from “straight” spaces.

We’re a community that collected everyone in the margins of society, from asexual to queer to gay or lesbian to “it’s complicated”. We became powerful in that unity.

But now that we’re more visible, now that people can see some of the people who aren’t willing (or able) to “make it easy” for everyone else to keep a strict, never-changing label, division erupts.

LGBT+ identities and orientations weren’t meant to be set in stone. What gave you wings at one point in your life might be the same metal that forms prison bars later on.

You’re never done becoming yourself. And policing/“correcting” the identities/orientations that free others won’t help you be yourself, let alone combat the powers that want to keep our heterogeneous (somewhat punny) community shoved out of public life.

(* heterogeneous/heterogeneity = a group whose parts are disparate/different yet linked/related)

The point of all of this is, don’t run from the strict comfort of heteronormativity into the strict comfort of homonormativity. Neither binary will actually free you, and both will oppress & marginalize people who may not be like you but are still part of our community.

And yeah I get that we live in a society where the field of medicine has the power to prescribe drugs or other aids to assist you in case of a disability, but creating an image of a child that is already poorly developed because they cannot write properly by the age of eight is so messed up and puts so much pressure on parents and children alike, because of ableist standards and ideals that are forced down our throats.

Hi! There’s lots of things you can do to develop your own identity as a headmate outside of your system’s collective interests and identities.

Ralsei (hiya!) put together a template for getting to know other system members a while back. Maybe you could use it to try and get to know yourself?

We’d also recommend doing stuff like:

Answering plural, headmate, and alter ask games! You can find a bunch by searching for the “#plural ask game” and “#system ask game” tags on Tumblr!

Doing self-reflection! Spend some time thinking about yourself and who you are. What do you want in life? What are your aspirations? Does anything stand out to you or sound interesting that may not be exciting for the rest of your system?

And most importantly…

Try! New! Things!

Experiment with everything! Try all sorts of new foods, listen to different kinds of music, try and learn a new skill or hobby that has even passively caught your interest! Play with your gender identity and expression! Question your sexuality and how you experience attraction! Learn about alterhumanity, kintypes, and what it means to be nonhuman! Read all kinds of books and watch lots of different movies and shows! Spend time learning about different religious, philosophies, values, and schools of thought! And through all of this, don’t be afraid if the things that draw your interest vary vastly from what the rest of your system is into. It’s okay to be different, and this process can help you develop into your own headmate with different tastes from the rest of your system!

As you go on this journey of self-discovery, not everything you try is going to click with you. And that’s okay! Just keep trying new things, and as you discover more about who you are, don’t be afraid to express this and be yourself! Of course, this is a process that will likely take some time, so please don’t be too discouraged if you’re having trouble figuring yourself out after a few weeks of experimentation! With time and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone, we really think you may find it gets easier for you to develop your own identity!

Good luck with this! We hope the process of developing your identity goes smoothly for you, and that you can have a lot of fun along the way!