#iccharacterjournal

Found m’old journal, it’s been so busy for so long I haven’t really written much- but I think it’s due time I did so, eh? 

It’s been hard for me to think straight with so much going on, and even my heart aches from the brash decisions I’ve made. 

Sab left the clan, and that in turn made me panic, I’d been under enough stress from outside sources, but when she left, I felt as though I had to follow after her- I stepped down from my position as Warlord, and stepped away from the clan. That damn near killed me...I worked so hard to earn my spot, and now it’s all for nothing because of a moment of sheer panic.

This was a few weeks ago, and even so- the desire to return is still there. Many tell me to stand by my decision, while others tell me they want me to come home- Where I want to be, but...There’s a part of me that wonders if they’d be...accepting of my return or if they’d view me as a weakling that couldn’t stand by her decision.

I’ve still got things to focus on in my free time. I’ve begun to form a little band of folk, Sab suggested the name Steelfist because of my arm- I think the name sounds alright, it’s a strong enough name, and folk seem to like it enough- We’ve even started makin’ an impression--Someone hired us for an interesting contract that would require more than what my lot has at the moment....but who knows what would happen between now and then.

That said...The call to return to Stormblade clan is as strong as ever. I know I would have to work to earn my place as Warlord--if that’s even possible, but ancestors know I’d work for something I believe in...and part of me believes the Clan needs me - That said, I couldn’t abandon Steelfist at this point, not with so much going on. Perhaps I can figure out a way...

I’m concerned about Sab and how she may take my actions, I’ll need to speak with her before I make any real decisions, but I know she just wants me where I’ll be happiest. Though, at this point I’m happiest at her side- Age is startin’ to get to me I think. I don’t want to fight near as much and I want to be with my mate more often than not- I just hope she doesn’t get sick of me, Hah.

I say this in almost every damn journal I write but...Ancestors. I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I’ve been in an almost constant state of exhaustion and frustration since those nightmares started wrackin’ my brain. I wish the past would stay behind me for once, ‘cause this is startin’ to effect my mentality.

What’s troublin’ me is that my desire to fight has dropped to almost a non-existent level- I’d rather fill out paperwork and trade contracts with some of the local boards instead of spar, I suppose this is where the most recent trouble has begun to brew.

In the last several months I’ve gone from bein’ a lone wolf, with no family, to havin’ Brothers in Tyliron and Rulo’Fon, a mother of sorts in Hakita, a lover in Sabriel, and a sister in Xuin..

Xuin...Ancestors I don’t understand Pandaren and this is makin’ me incredibly frustrated- As it would appear, the original host of th’ body I now inhabit had a younger sister, this sister found me, and became enraged that I was in this form- Her sister has to of been in a coma for a while before I got this body, so the spirit’s been long gone. The first interaction with this pup is her tryin’ to strangle me- normally I would’ve put her in her place, smacked her down and told ‘er to get lost but...For some reason I just stood there lettin’ this kid try to take me out, I even gave her enough coin to get her food, shelter, and better gear--But as it stands, she’s technically blood, and therefore I’m in charge of keepin’ her safe. Bah..That just makes me feel worse ‘bout last night. 

Hakita challenged me to another fight, I had initially refused, until Nagorag challenged me, Hakita took offense, and stormed off, meanin’ I went after her and accepted her challenge, I lost--miserably, Given the last time we fought I ended up gettin’ her good with an axe to the side I held back a bit more than I should’ve and ended up layin’ flat on my back, she ended up givin’ me the good ol’ boot to the face and broke my snout, damn thing is still bent outta shape despite bein’ healed, which is fine- I don’t really care ‘bout a bit of a bent snout. 

No matter how much’s changed with me, I still hate losin’ and bein’ healed, so I was already in a foul mood, that’s when Rulo tried lecturin’ me about how not all the horde is bloodthirsty orcs and orc-hearted folk like myself, tie that in with Xuin tryin’ to lecture me on how I’m treatin’ her sister’s body and I snapped. I...Backhanded the pup pretty damn hard- knocked her to the ground- That’d be the second sibling I’ve harmed this past week. Tyliron bein’ the first.

Tyliron doesn’t like my choices, or my decisions- he tried tellin’ me what to do and what I was doin’ wrong- sayin’ that I was easily manipulated and that folk were usin’ me for their own personal gain. I snapped, grabbed ‘im by the neck and bashed him against the wall a few times...Then dug my claws ‘cross his face. He hasn’t been takin’ visitors since then, I only hope he ain’t...dead or somethin’.

Then there’s the Andowynn thing...Damn woman didn’t follow protocol and a damned Ebon Knight broke in and tried to kill her- I got the information and then I killed ‘im despite Ando’s wishes to turn him back over to the Ebon Blade...Bah...Had to lock the damn woman up in the infirmary so she wouldn’t go gettin’ herself killed. She too has stopped takin’ visitors--Must be an Elf thing.

If I could figure out what was wrong with me I’d fix it, but it’s like the fight ain’t in me unless someone pushes me there, which isn’t good, I’m Warlord, a leader, and folk look up to me, and with all the new blood in the camp, I can’t falter now, I suppose I should be countin’ my lucky stars that the Boss’ pet isn’t roamin’ around, he’s make things so much worse.

Sindonia-A new forsaken in the clan has offered to help me and Xuin communicate with Tsurin--the original body holder, and see what ‘er opinion is on the whole ordeal--If she accepts my taking over her body, then that’s gonna be great, if not...Well...I may be draggin’ my old ass outta the ice and figurin’ out a way to be put back into it. The amount of problems I see with that is mountin’ high...Rega would be angry with me, I’d be angry at bein’ in my old body given that it’s charred, and missin’ most limbs, and honestly...I’ve gotten used to bein’ a Pandaren, I’m faster, and more put together.

Speakin’ of Rega...I’m worried ‘bout her, she seems to be feelin’ a bit better from the other night, but I can see it in her eyes that she’s still upset, she’s been a bit more reclusive too. I know she knows I’m there for support, but she’s more stubborn than I am ‘bout gettin’ help for that kinda thing.

I dunno anymore- I’m frustrated, tired, and at a loss for what I can do to fix all these damn problems. This time I don’t think a night in some corner of Azeroth is gonna help me. I gotta do something to relight the fire in my heart so I can serve the clan fully.

Ancestors.

It’s been a hell of a week, between fightin’ with Knife-ears, (and practically everyone else includin’ Hakita) It feels like I’ve been pullin’ hidden wisdom from my rear. 

I...Still don’t know how I feel ‘bout some of the stuff that I’ve been told.

I’ve changed so much since joinin’ the clan, It...sounds odd, but I feel like a toxic part of myself might’ve died when my old form did, ‘cause I don’t feel the need to needlessly throw my life away, I want to protect my new family, and I want t’see those who need help, get it...

Rulo, Hakita...Both of ‘em are always on my mind these days. Rulo confessed some pretty heavy stuff t’me, stuff that, while I myself don’t really care, others may view...terribly. 

And Hakita...I...She said I was like a daughter to her. I’m not one to cry, but when she said that, I wanted to break down.

It’s...Been a while since I last wrote in this journal, S’pose there’s a good reason for that. Things have been nothin’ but ups and downs, between bein’ poisoned- almost killin’ Rog with a bomb strike, warrin’ with Knife-ears and Hakita, getting involved in Magatha’s Grimtotem and becoming Warlord of the clan, it’s been quiet in one way and a loud, thundering banging in others. 

I fought with Ty today, it...I feel as though I’ve horribly messed a great deal up with that one, but I know that the elf brought it on to himself- He’s had a darkness in his eyes for a while, and it’s finally surfaced. He came to me and offered his axe to me, I know the meaning behind the gesture, but I won’t take another warrior’s weapon, it’s not right. I declined because of this reason, and he chose to fight- All I wanted was an apology, I even asked him for one before it all began and he refused, so, we fought, and I let the anger consume me after bein’ struck several times with lightning, but when it cleared- I realized the damage that had been done, and when I requested he back down? 

He refused, he thought I was the enemy, lookin’ down on him or something. I know I’m a nasty wretch at times, but- He of all people should know that I respected him. He wouldn’t back down despite his wounds, and...Augh. He’s in shackles now, and I’ve been appointed his...headsman. I will do everything I can to avoid the promise I made him long ago, but it seems like that may become a reality. I can do it, but I don’t want to.

I’ve become Warlord, and while part of me is honored, the other part is...Scared? Maybe not scared, but nervous, perhaps. I’ve learned over the last several weeks, that my recklessness can, and will get someone killed. I think it may be time to consult with a monk, or someone who can help me get beyond bein’ a reckless warrior, I’ve got too many folk relyin’ on my judgement now. I’d been a lone wolf for so long after bein’ chased back into the Horde that I forgot what it is to have to worry about someone other than myself. So many decisions and choices to be made. For now, it may just be me working the mines dry again until I can make amends and figure out what to do with all this stuff goin’ on.

There was a party tonight with the Shadowmoon Dominion, they seem like a decent lot, but there’s a contrast between us and them, it’s almost amusing- but I digress.

There were a couple of party-crashers, their scent was bothersome, I could almost smell the deceit in their words- or maybe it was just them, I’m not entirely sure at this point. What was curious was even after we made it clear that they weren’t welcome they hung around the outskirts of the party, I caught bits of their conversation, and I don’t trust ‘em.

On a more positive note, I finally got to fight against Xul, she’s powerful- left a nice bruise against my chest and I’ve got a couple new scars to boast about- Hah! But It gave me another deep respect for her, I’ll have to make a note -not- to tick her off.

When the party dispersed I decided that while I was still in Kalimdor I’d revisit Thousand Needles. I don’t know why seeing the remains of where my tribe dwelled hurt, but it did- I haven’t been here since before the Cataclysm, and I wasn’t surprised to find old tents and some signs of what used to be. 

There were quite a few bones picked apart by the vultures. I couldn’t tell you who they were, though some horns looked familiar others completely picked apart to dust- I managed to gather enough to at least give them a proper send off--years later.

There were several scribbled notes at the bottom most of them crossed out. 

But where was his remains? Motega wouldn’t of abandoned his people during the Cataclysm...Would he?

Mixed feelings come from this night.

I don’t know how and I won’t question it, but we managed to get them back, we...lost two mercenaries, but they ignored the order to stand together. Ancestors, I can’t even express how relieved I was to find Xul and Hakita breathing- and how enraged I was to see their condition.

It...May seem like a really simple motion, but the fact that I was the one who carried Xul back gave me a bit of...I don’t know...Redemption. I still feel heavy guilt over Xul’s capture, but I did get her back as I said I would.

The entire plan went off...decently, we had two casualties towards the end, but they were mercenaries with a death-wish--I don’t miss those days at all.

I’m glad we didn’t have to use the back up Plan, Sabriel went on her own with it, and although she was bored out of her mind waiting for us, I don’t even want to imagine what hell would’ve been unleashed had we needed her to blow the wall up...I really don’t want to think about that.

As far as I know, Xul and Hakita are still unconcious and everyone else is resting after the events, many of the clanmates took a full blast to the face- how I managed to turn and cover myself before the explosion I’ll never know- it was a terrible blast, one that ended up getting chunks of orc in my fur, disgusting.

One thing that concerns me, however- is how easy it felt. Too much went right...Bah, I may be over thinking things; no use being a pessimist about something that should be celebrated. 

I felt bad leaving the group after everyone had settled in, but fur and orc-chunks just don’t mix, and the water felt incredible--maybe I’ll actually get some of that rest that everyone keeps telling me about... ... ... Yeah, Right! The day that happens is the day Kodo’s fly. 

Back in Nagrand- And I couldn’t be more pissed off about it.

Xul and Hakita are still missing, and honestly, it kills me that instead of staying I let my anger get the best of me and I walked- not rode, but walked all the way back to Nagrand- dangerous move, but I didn’t even realize it until I was greeted by a confused peon. 

Bah...At this point I fear that I come off like another Orgram case- which isn’t what I want at all. I have nothing against Dreg’tal- part of me can respect his desire to be with his family, but I’ve spent far too much time with Orcs and mercenaries to have the mindset of- if you have a family, you want them with your clan.

Between calling and losing a Mak’gora, I can’t help but feel shame in my actions, even if I feel as though they are what’s right--Bah...I’m torn.

Sabriel and Tyliron sided with me when I questioned Dreg’s methods, but what should’ve made me feel victorious; that only seemed to make my stomach feel as though I swallowed a sack of rocks and then proceeded to take a charging kodo bull to the gut. I do not want to divide this clan any further than it already is.

I don’t enjoy causing trouble, hell- It just means I’ll be spending the next several months with the Peons to reinforce the camp, as well as mining until the mines are cleared to make up for this; I might even take on diaper detail if Xul permits me to remain with the clan.

I realize now that I’m far too prideful for my own good- how I managed to get through Pandaria without being posessed by the Sha I’ll never know.

I’m returning to the Broken-horn village at dawn- I’ve got some things built in case something goes wrong, and I found some leather armour that’ll allow me to move around quietly- I hate the fact that we have to be stealthy, but damn it all, I said I’d find Xul and Hakita, and by Ancestors I absolutely will, I will not let the boss or the clan down again.