#bionicbearvine

I say this in almost every damn journal I write but...Ancestors. I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I’ve been in an almost constant state of exhaustion and frustration since those nightmares started wrackin’ my brain. I wish the past would stay behind me for once, ‘cause this is startin’ to effect my mentality.

What’s troublin’ me is that my desire to fight has dropped to almost a non-existent level- I’d rather fill out paperwork and trade contracts with some of the local boards instead of spar, I suppose this is where the most recent trouble has begun to brew.

In the last several months I’ve gone from bein’ a lone wolf, with no family, to havin’ Brothers in Tyliron and Rulo’Fon, a mother of sorts in Hakita, a lover in Sabriel, and a sister in Xuin..

Xuin...Ancestors I don’t understand Pandaren and this is makin’ me incredibly frustrated- As it would appear, the original host of th’ body I now inhabit had a younger sister, this sister found me, and became enraged that I was in this form- Her sister has to of been in a coma for a while before I got this body, so the spirit’s been long gone. The first interaction with this pup is her tryin’ to strangle me- normally I would’ve put her in her place, smacked her down and told ‘er to get lost but...For some reason I just stood there lettin’ this kid try to take me out, I even gave her enough coin to get her food, shelter, and better gear--But as it stands, she’s technically blood, and therefore I’m in charge of keepin’ her safe. Bah..That just makes me feel worse ‘bout last night. 

Hakita challenged me to another fight, I had initially refused, until Nagorag challenged me, Hakita took offense, and stormed off, meanin’ I went after her and accepted her challenge, I lost--miserably, Given the last time we fought I ended up gettin’ her good with an axe to the side I held back a bit more than I should’ve and ended up layin’ flat on my back, she ended up givin’ me the good ol’ boot to the face and broke my snout, damn thing is still bent outta shape despite bein’ healed, which is fine- I don’t really care ‘bout a bit of a bent snout. 

No matter how much’s changed with me, I still hate losin’ and bein’ healed, so I was already in a foul mood, that’s when Rulo tried lecturin’ me about how not all the horde is bloodthirsty orcs and orc-hearted folk like myself, tie that in with Xuin tryin’ to lecture me on how I’m treatin’ her sister’s body and I snapped. I...Backhanded the pup pretty damn hard- knocked her to the ground- That’d be the second sibling I’ve harmed this past week. Tyliron bein’ the first.

Tyliron doesn’t like my choices, or my decisions- he tried tellin’ me what to do and what I was doin’ wrong- sayin’ that I was easily manipulated and that folk were usin’ me for their own personal gain. I snapped, grabbed ‘im by the neck and bashed him against the wall a few times...Then dug my claws ‘cross his face. He hasn’t been takin’ visitors since then, I only hope he ain’t...dead or somethin’.

Then there’s the Andowynn thing...Damn woman didn’t follow protocol and a damned Ebon Knight broke in and tried to kill her- I got the information and then I killed ‘im despite Ando’s wishes to turn him back over to the Ebon Blade...Bah...Had to lock the damn woman up in the infirmary so she wouldn’t go gettin’ herself killed. She too has stopped takin’ visitors--Must be an Elf thing.

If I could figure out what was wrong with me I’d fix it, but it’s like the fight ain’t in me unless someone pushes me there, which isn’t good, I’m Warlord, a leader, and folk look up to me, and with all the new blood in the camp, I can’t falter now, I suppose I should be countin’ my lucky stars that the Boss’ pet isn’t roamin’ around, he’s make things so much worse.

Sindonia-A new forsaken in the clan has offered to help me and Xuin communicate with Tsurin--the original body holder, and see what ‘er opinion is on the whole ordeal--If she accepts my taking over her body, then that’s gonna be great, if not...Well...I may be draggin’ my old ass outta the ice and figurin’ out a way to be put back into it. The amount of problems I see with that is mountin’ high...Rega would be angry with me, I’d be angry at bein’ in my old body given that it’s charred, and missin’ most limbs, and honestly...I’ve gotten used to bein’ a Pandaren, I’m faster, and more put together.

Speakin’ of Rega...I’m worried ‘bout her, she seems to be feelin’ a bit better from the other night, but I can see it in her eyes that she’s still upset, she’s been a bit more reclusive too. I know she knows I’m there for support, but she’s more stubborn than I am ‘bout gettin’ help for that kinda thing.

I dunno anymore- I’m frustrated, tired, and at a loss for what I can do to fix all these damn problems. This time I don’t think a night in some corner of Azeroth is gonna help me. I gotta do something to relight the fire in my heart so I can serve the clan fully.

“So you failed to to protect everyone again?” The words echoed in the darkness that surrounded Fenrir- her fur bristled as she shook her head. “We’ve been over this! Leave me alone!” She screamed, her ears flattened back against her skull.

“Bah, you’re nothing more than a child, aren’t you? You refuse help and that’s where you fail.” Zoghan’s voice continued to echo around her followed by a bloodcurdling cackle.

“I am not a child!” Fenrir screamed louder. “Go away, leave me alone!” 

“You failed to protect the Chieftan, you’re so filled with fear- and with that you will fail once more!” Zoghan’s voice rang through, chilling the Pandaren to the bone- without a second thought she fled, the darkness never seeming to end as she fell to her knees, staring at her hands, gripping the ground beneath her, panting heavily. 

A low, familiar laugh caused the woman to jerk up, red and blue meeting with feral, amber eyes, a black-furred Worgen, garbed in dark robes wearing a wicked grin plastered across his muzzle stared down at her. “N-no...” She whispered, terror filled her as she turned, trying to flee once more.

 She felt as though she were running through mud as she fell to the ground once more. In an instant flames surrounded her, her eyes went wide with terror as she was met once more with sharp, grinning fangs flames licking at her pelt as she let out a terrified scream swinging her claws wildly, trying to escape.

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With a soft snarl Fenrir sat up, her body trembled and shook- sweat clung beneath the fur as she knocked the furs off of her- she still felt those flames lick and burn at her skin as she hugged herself. Rubbing her arms for a moment she rose from the bed, padded feet quietly moving across the stone floor of the cave she called home- She glanced back at her mate that continued to sleep. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight, knowing full well sleep did not come easily to Sabriel, grateful that she had not woken the woman. 

With a shaky huff she moved outside of the small cave, hugging herself tightly as she sat- dangling her legs over the edge as she spoke softly to herself. “Ancestors I haven’t had one that bad in ages.” She closed her eyes as a cool breeze moved through her fur- she shivered and hugged herself tighter as she let out a deep sigh. “Bah...I gotta keep it together. Was just a stupid dream, that’s all.” She reassured herself. 

“C’mon Fen. You’re stronger than this, don’t let some ol’ Warlock and the past break ya, not now when folk are needin’ your guidance.” She spoke firmly to herself as she shook her head, opening her eyes as she gazed up at the skies above- focusing on the sound of the night that surrounded her as she took a few calming breaths, forcing herself to relax.

It’s...Been a while since I last wrote in this journal, S’pose there’s a good reason for that. Things have been nothin’ but ups and downs, between bein’ poisoned- almost killin’ Rog with a bomb strike, warrin’ with Knife-ears and Hakita, getting involved in Magatha’s Grimtotem and becoming Warlord of the clan, it’s been quiet in one way and a loud, thundering banging in others. 

I fought with Ty today, it...I feel as though I’ve horribly messed a great deal up with that one, but I know that the elf brought it on to himself- He’s had a darkness in his eyes for a while, and it’s finally surfaced. He came to me and offered his axe to me, I know the meaning behind the gesture, but I won’t take another warrior’s weapon, it’s not right. I declined because of this reason, and he chose to fight- All I wanted was an apology, I even asked him for one before it all began and he refused, so, we fought, and I let the anger consume me after bein’ struck several times with lightning, but when it cleared- I realized the damage that had been done, and when I requested he back down? 

He refused, he thought I was the enemy, lookin’ down on him or something. I know I’m a nasty wretch at times, but- He of all people should know that I respected him. He wouldn’t back down despite his wounds, and...Augh. He’s in shackles now, and I’ve been appointed his...headsman. I will do everything I can to avoid the promise I made him long ago, but it seems like that may become a reality. I can do it, but I don’t want to.

I’ve become Warlord, and while part of me is honored, the other part is...Scared? Maybe not scared, but nervous, perhaps. I’ve learned over the last several weeks, that my recklessness can, and will get someone killed. I think it may be time to consult with a monk, or someone who can help me get beyond bein’ a reckless warrior, I’ve got too many folk relyin’ on my judgement now. I’d been a lone wolf for so long after bein’ chased back into the Horde that I forgot what it is to have to worry about someone other than myself. So many decisions and choices to be made. For now, it may just be me working the mines dry again until I can make amends and figure out what to do with all this stuff goin’ on.