#icannot even

     I think really at the earliest I remember, I was interested because I found it entertaining to play pretend with drawings and it had the nice bonus of getting me attention from my mother. I had a rough childhood. I grew up really as poor as it gets, the fifth child out of six in a tiny one bedroom brooklyn apartment with a single mother. Needless to say, there wasn’t a lot of parental love and attention going around, and my mother had always wanted to be an artist but her parents never allowed her, so of course, I quickly learned it was one of the few things that she really put effort into nurturing in me that I happened to have an interest in. I didn’t have many friends…not in school and definitely not among my siblings so drawing was kinda like the silver lining in my life. It made me feel special when my mother would go out and buy everyone candy to share, and instead she would get me a notebook. 

      Those notebooks helped me deal with a lot in my life that I couldn’t understand or accept as a child. I would get so lost in them, weaving stories and meticulously illustrating them. I think I had a natural inclination and interest to draw, I remember always being fascinated by illustrations on things like stickers and folders. I think I stared and admired the few toys I had more than I even played with them laughs. 

     I felt..really empowered by drawing as a child. Growing up my older siblings drew really ugly pictures of each other that highlighted flaws and won fights like that and I really wanted to learn how to draw like that too. It was like ammo against mean kids, legitimately ain’t childish logic great? After that I really started to draw furiously and boy did I draw a lot of ugly pictures of people and get into lots of trouble.

      I dont think Art was anything but a survival skill to me for the longest time. In elementary, I was more vehement about being a veterinarian or a librarian laughs. I think middle school was kinda my motivation. I ACTUALLY FOLLOW the girl who made me really decide I wanted to draw here on tumblr. I HOPE SHE ISN’T READING THIS…(I love you daisy, I have such fond memories of us growing up together)

    But back in middle school, In like 6th-7th grade, I used to dabble in drawing and she was just so much better than me and god she would draw these lovely comics and shit AND i would be so envious and try and try and try to be as good as her, and one of my other friends who was kinda a bitch like most of my “friends” turn out to be, one day took my drawing book without permission and kinda blurted out how much I SUCKED compared to Daisy…AND I WAS SO UPSET, i quit for…like a week, and then boom, i got all pissed off about it and motivated so i started again just to prove that friend wrong.

     In highschool, I had a similar experience WITH ANOTHER FRIEND I FOLLOW HERE…..LAUGHS…but we had such a friendly mutual competition going on but to make it even worse, she was in the art program of our school and I wasn’t. I think I was always a little envious of her courage and confidence and another friend of ours who could draw like an angel… I always knew I didn’t measure up, you know? Not only in talent but in just confidence. And I’ve never done well with feelings of inferiority.

     So for a while I GAVE UP AGAIN, but drawing is like being on drugs. You try and go cold turkey but then you relapse like the filthy addict you are. I wanted to prove myself wrong this time, though. I wanted to keep up with my friends, I wanted to share that experience, and I wanted to prove that I didn’t need to be in an art program to be an artist.

     AND YOU KNOW…I think I did well. I’m proud of myself.

    I will decline to even talk about the latest insidious friendship I have removed myself from that unleashed a recent flood of improvements inside me…But I think a lot of my artistic motivation and inspiration comes from a place of anger or spite. I draw because it keeps me going. I draw because I’m angry about a lot and it’s one of the few things no one can take away from me.

    So IDK I rambled, but…I don’t get discouraged when I see someone better than me or if someone doesn’t believe in me, I get really fucking inspired to show them what I can do. I often told myself, “If I am 15 and this good, I’ll be 21 and even better. I can’t wait until I’m 25 and see how amazing I am.”

    And it’s held true because I’ve wanted it to be true with all my heart and I gave it my all.

    I refuse to be defeated by other people, I use them to fuel me instead. Anger can either destroy you, or it can make you powerful, just depends on what the hell you do with it.