#iamblueraspberry vents

Crying myself to sleep tonight.

I was supposed to shower.

I didn't shower.

Instead I just sat in the bathroom for 3 hours begging myself to move. To just. Get in and get it over with.

But I couldn't get myself to move.

The thought of undressing and washing myself was too much. There's the usual stuff with my chest Dysphoria, but I'm also on my period so my usual coping methods wouldn't work. Plus that's just another layer of Dysphoria added on top of things. It's like a 7 layer bean dip of suffering.

So I eventually just. Gave up. It's past 2 am and I have work tomorrow. I got a wet washcloth and wiped down my armpits and chest and prayed that that'll be enough for now.

This has happened a LOT lately. I've started to develop a paranoia about how I smell. It's making things really difficult. I am terrified of smelling bad, but in order to not smell bad I have to shower. Which has felt impossible lately. It's an endless cycle of anxiety and self loathing.

I really wish I could just rip off my breasts and pull out my uterus and ovaries and vagina and throw them down into a bloody, steaming mess on the floor.

I wish I had been born without any genitals or boobs or nipples. I wish I was just. Smooth. Like how a ken doll has a flat chest with no nipples. I want that so much.

I hate my body rn. I hate myself for being so pathetic. I wish I could just take care of myself like a normal person. Instead I'm stuck with a body that feels viscerally wrong and awful. And is always in pain these days and I still have no idea why.

I feel like I'm broken. Like I came out flawed and wrong. I feel unlovable. It's the worst. I just wish I could function properly. But instead I'm sobbing alone in my room at 2:30 in the morning and wishing I could take a break from existing for a bit. I feel like a failure. Like a burden to my family. Sometimes I wonder how they find the patience to put up with me. I'm not an easy person to live with. I'm a helpless blob of smelly flesh that can't do anything right on my own. I don't know how they're not sick of me. I'm sick of me. I'm tired of being so useless. I'm just so so tired of being alive. I wanna leave this plane of existence for w bit. Just until I feel better. Then I can come back and keep trying. But I really need a break but I don't have time for one rn. There's too much going on atm that needs my attention and not enough time to process it all. And I'm so burnt out and exhausted.