#i digressed

I honestly don't think this pace is healthy for me (don't take me as an example) i don't sleep much, I already have a day job. I skip meals and when I'm focused on a piece I only drink coffee. I have this weird obsessive need to complete a piece, it's a state of intense focus...which feels fantastic you know ? It's me, the drawing, the music.

But I've been trying to take breaks. Go to the gym. Sleep a bit more. I just feel like there's a car engine inside me you know ? A powerful Ferrari engine, and I'm the car, and it's driving at full speed but the brakes are broken and it's not easy for me to "pause" (im working on that) so my advice ? Outside activities, learn to take breaks, dont rush perfection. Draw what YOU want, not what others want from you.

I do feel pressure yeah. Pressure to draw, pressure to be quick, to...deserve the amount of people following. I know i shouldn't but when im not doing anything I sure do feel guilty 😶 my social accounts are big, and i think to myself "wow these shoes are too big for someone like me"

I feel inadequate. I realized in the last year that the super duper artist i wanted to become is already there. People look up to me and I feel like a fraud because I didn't think of myself worthy of compliments. It's not even fake modesty because i value the skills I have, I worked for that ; but at times I watch my following and i have a full meltdown, I want to hide in a corner...because it's too much isn’t it ? I tend to panic like that.

Now, i certainly don't want to say I'm forcing myself to draw or that im unhappy. It's always a pleasure to create but in my case, it tends to exhausts me. Sometimes. Swear to god im working on that.

You see how in graduations it's always like a competition to who screams the loudest? When Grantaire is called, between all the clapping, he can hear three specific voices, and even tho he gets embarassed as hell, he can't help but smile fondly at his girls.

They tackle him as soon as he gets down, and they morph into this pile of messed up curls on the floor and Grantaire's groaning can be heard because girls, girls you're crushing me, help.

But they don't care and keep crushing him and smothering him with kisses and only Grantaire's head can be seen underneath them, the laurel crown rolling back and away and Grantaire's youngest sister snatches it away and puts it on her head to crack a joke, but as soon as she does she gets this devastated expression while her sisters and her brother scream all together a terrified "NO!"because it's bad luck to wear a laurel crown before you've graduated.

They stare 👁️👁️

They STARE 👁️👁️

Also I'm so jealous of all the different languages on those post-it notes XD I have a very useless understanding of Japanese, German and Spanish - and instead of lamenting that I'm not fluent in any of them I ought to set up some time to fix that I suppose.

I'd originally wanted to start with Japanese, but I think I'll dive into German first, then Spanish then tackle Japanese again.

idk if you’re aware of this, but tom daley and lance black have just had their first son, and the woman who birthed him is still involved, and lance has said that he likes the fact that she knows about robbie’s life because she helped give him that life - which is a lovely way of thinking about it really

How can you not believe in love?

Love is the most powerful and influential thing in the world, whether it’s the love of others, love of money, love of power, etc.  

You said you’re tired of heartbreak?

Do you know how many other people are? Do you know how tired I am of getting my heart broken?  You act like you’re the only one in the entire universe who is sick and tired of having their heart broken.  And you’re not.

But here’s the big difference between you and me,

I’m willing to go through all that pain again because I know eventually it will be worth it.  I’m willing to sacrifice myself for others-now, not my happiness because that’s something I’ve worked so hard to find by myself-but the rest of me?  I’ll give away in a heartbeat.

The difference between us is that when I love, I give it my all.  I put every single atom of my being into whatever it is I love.  And yeah, every now and then that may not be a good idea, but it’ who I am, it’s in my nature to love fully and without a fucking dam around the lake that is my heart.  

The difference between us is I care about everything so much and so deeply that it fucking hurts.  I care about the stars shining in the sky to the stars that have started to disappear in your eyes. 

The difference between us is that I can save myself, but you...I don’t know if you could save a beetle drowning in your glass of water, let alone yourself.

You are a perfect being.  You’re a mixture of pure evil, pure good, fucking stardust. You think you’re not special but goddammit, you’re one of the most special people I’ve ever met in my entire life-and that’s saying something since I’ve met my soulmate in at least three different people.

I want to help you.  I want to push all of this darkness that surrounds you away and only let the warm light touch you, but I can’t.  I want to be that warm light, but you won’t let me.  You may think everyone has to save themselves, but, my darling, you’re gonna need someone to help you along the way.