I went a few months totally fine, and yet I find myself plagued with health anxiety again. This time it is ovarian cancer. I have organised an ultrasound for this wednesday. But my anxiety tells me that this is the one. I am sure this happens with every new health concern I have, but my brain tells me that this scare is the final one.
The hardest part of health anxiety is the lack of understanding that many people have. My family, friends, and partner cannot fathom how my own brain manages to convince me that I am dying of a phantom illness. I suppose this makes the battle of health anxiety even more difficult. Even writing this post is hard for me, as my anxiety tells me that I am going to look a fool when the ultrasound results come back and prove that i am actually sick. My anxiety is in a way is telling me that by writing this post, I am jinxing my odds.
My mum just said to me after expressing my recent concerns, "I am done with you at the moment", and I understand the gravity of what she is saying, yet I feel numb. Health anxiety has quite literally numbed everything else that is important to me, because at the forefront of my mind is fear of being diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
I also find health anxiety deliberating, obviously it consumes and drains you, but i also feel guilty. I feel guilty because there are people out there who actually have cancer, or a terminal illness. Yet, here i am complaining about imagined symptoms and demanding scans and tests to ease my own mind. I feel foolish every time I visit my doctor (these past 2 weeks I have seen my doctor three times), and I can see that he thinks i am stupid, and pathetic. Perhaps he doesn't, but again, my anxiety tells me otherwise.
If you can relate to my experience of health anxiety, and need someone to talk to. Please contact me. I know that your message will help others, and me.
