#huttle up

By Cynthia Fabian

I hate shoulder-pads! Every time I turn around, I’m ripping them from blouses, peeling Velcro from a sweater–or splitting a seam in my jacket to get them out. And I’m no tailor, sometimes I give in and leave them there. So why am I so obsessed with shoulder-pads? Read on and you’ll see.

That navy pin-stripped blazer with those great mother of pearl buttons my aunt Tess sent me are in the garbage now. Carving out the shoulder-pads from the jacket came so naturally, until I ripped it. I’m sure shoulder-pads stashed in every article of clothing you buy is some sort of plot to cash in on women’s insecurities. So fellow women, wake up and smell the polyester, and the plot–nobody needs shoulder-pads!

The reasoning? Designers argue shoulder-pads are flattering to all figures, and give women more dimension and a narrower look. If a woman is endowed with ample shoulders–she doesn’t need extra ones. But, even if you wear a size 3 suit, meander right past the control-top pantyhose, and over to the string bikini rack, you still don’t need shoulder-pads. And that’s because on any figure, shoulder-pads look fake.

But anyone can fall prey to shoulder-pad build up–and that’s pretty scary. You may be hurriedly dressing and not notice that your blouse, jacket and trench coat all are sporting polyester boomerangs. Or worse yet, they may sag or droop at a board or even a PTA meeting. If you’re smart, cut them loose. Here’s 8 ways to loose your shoulder-pads.

1– Stuff a Dummy–Have you ever seen an ample dummy? No, usually it’s a Kate Moss clone in an outfit no real person can wear (but Kate usually doesn’t wear clothes anyway.) Head straight for your department store and let your inhibitions go wild. Stuff male and female dummies until they are creatively bulked-up.

2 — Make a stuffed toy–I’ve made a few by sewing the rounded ends of the shoulder-pads together. Then sew on buttons for the nose and eyes, and a piece of felt for a tongue. Kids love it, and it will keep them busy for hours. It’ll take that long to figure out what it is! (No Butterick® pattern needed.)

3 — Cover your Coif–Become a patchwork Marge Simpson. Sew about 40 different colored shoulder-pads together upwards in a cone shape, add peacock feathers or silk flowers–and guaranteed you’ll be the tackiest person at the Easter Parade, or if you can’t wait until April, parade it at the local Waldbaums, Gristedes or even Piggly Wiggly.

4 — More fun than a Frisbee–Play toss the shoulder-pad. Then make the losing team the one who gets stuck with it and have to wear them for a full day.

5 — April Showers–Instead of a water balloon, (which is messy and environmentally unsafe,) grab a reusable shoulder-pads and throw them at your nosy neighbors.

6 — Recycle in a Big Way–Got a lumpy old flowered sofa from your Mom? Can’t afford reupholstery? Grab some shoulder-pads and have a stuff-the-sofa party. Mom may just want the couch back.

7 — Save an Endangered Species-Help a child fix a stuffed animal and use shoulder-pads to sew on new body parts — they make great ears.