the early days were very difficult for me.
i say “days,” it was likely closer to a terran year. i was just… lonely. terribly, debilitatingly lonely. i didn’t fit in, even at a small school specially for those who needed further support in their educational and social/emotional development, even well into their adolescence and early adulthood. it was a good school. they did their best. but i was not understood. my classmates tended to avoid me. teachers either didn’t trust me (though they did not say so explicitly. but i could tell. my implants made sure i always knew.) or were unable to mask their pity for the still mostly-mechanical boy brought in like a sick stray from the rain. i was languishing. quiet. withdrawn. depressed, i think. i believe it was noticeable enough to warrant diagnosis, but my memories are a bit hazy regarding the specifics.
my family fought for me, of course. they did everything in their power and eventually brought me back home to the stars. and things got better as time passed. but… even so, being a physically fifteen year old victim of the borg with only a few short weeks’ experience as a person, practically a former prisoner of war and victim of what i can only equate to a brainwashing cult, seeking asylum and care and love, which i had not known since i was too small to form proper memories… it was very difficult to be separated from the enterprise and her crew in the first place. it hurt to be in a place where i was constantly under cold, clinical surveillance, knowing that any misstep might be interpreted as a betrayal of the federation and i might be thrown to the metaphorical wolves. the gnashing mechanical teeth of the collective that would no doubt chew me up and either destroy all that i was, reincorporating my body to be used by their singular mind, or simply spit me out and destroy me. the swarm of the hive that would seek to snuff out the spark of individuality i was carefully cultivating into an identity by whatever means necessary.
i was very glad when i was allowed to stop going to school and return to the familiar hum of that ship. the electrical buzzing of buildings on earth wasn’t the same — i needed to feel the thrum of the warp core and the deep, constant rumble of the engines. and i needed the people it carried, too. geordi and beverly and guinan and picard and data. riker and worf and troi. my family. my home. i love you all so dearly, my friends. you mean more to me than i can ever put to words.
