#hs ff

Cayden’s face was bright red.

He knew that much. Even as he stood in the dark, coat closet, unable to see the hand raised in front of him, he could feel the heat radiating from his face. Beside him, Maggie was frozen, stiff and unmoving.

“Maggie, I–”

“Don’t,” she hissed. “For the next seven months, you are no longer allowed to talk to me.”

Cayden looked over at her–well, the dark outline of her–and sighed. “Maggie, it’s not that big of a deal.”

He paused for a moment, waiting for her response. But before she could respond, he said, “Wait, why seven months?”

Cayden flinched as she felt the vicious glare that was suddenly sent his way. “Eight months now.”

“Again, why–”

Maggie’s head fell into her hands, groaning. “I swear to God, Cayden, if you don’t stop talking I will not be held responsible for my actions.”

Cayden’s eyes began to adjust to the lack of light. Maggie’s dark hair was quite frizzy, and something pricked in Cayden’s stomach, knowing his hands caused the disarray. He knew that if Maggie looked at him, her lips would be bright red and slightly swollen. Again, his doing. But most importantly, he knew her eyes would be bright, the light brown nearly shining. Suddenly, Cayden wanted her to look up at him desperately. His fingers twitched, wanting to reach out.

As if Maggie could sense Cayden’s thoughts, she peeked through her fingers.

“Don’t touch me,” she warned. Cayden smiled despite himself.

“Maggie,” he said softly, not daring to reach out. “I know you’re afraid, but we can’t hide in this closet forever.”

“He’s not wrong!” Cayden’s dad suddenly called in a sing-song voice from outside the door.

“Oh, my God!” Maggie called in distress.

“Dad,” Cayden called, “can you just give us a moment, please?”

“Sure, mate,” Harry snickered. Footsteps soon followed.

Cayden turned to Maggie, who had turned to burrow into the wall, possibly hoping it would consume her. Cayden was only guessing.

“Darling,” Cayden tried to placate. A little tension eased from her shoulders, and Cayden smiled softly. “We can’t hide in here forever. My dad knows we’re in here, and it’s also a bit odd.”

“He saw us,” she spoke into the wall. The pout was clear in her voice.

He couldn’t help it. A smile curved his lips.

Why is she so damn adorable?

“We were just kissing,” Cayden reminded her.

“Still!”

“You know, it is a bit criminating. Dragging me into a closet and hiding. What if he thinks we’re fuc–?”

“Okay!” Maggie jumped back from the wall. Cayden had to take a wide step back to narrowly miss being punched in the gut. “We’ll go back out.”

“Good.” He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She scowled for a moment, but Cayden could see the lilt of her lips. “Let’s go, darling.”

Slowly Cayden opened the door, squinting his eyes as the light assaulted him. He tried to grab Maggie’s hand, but she swatted him away. Cayden chuckled under his breath.

Harry was sitting on the couch, sipping a pint. He looked up at the sound on the door opening, smirking.

“Well hello, lovebirds,” he said teasingly. Cayden rolled his eyes, but he felt Maggie flinch.

“Dad,” he said in warning.

Harry just chuckled, placing his pint down and standing up. “Look, kids, I’m glad you guys are young and in love–”

Cayden flushed brightly.

“­–and I am rooting for you both. But Cayden, please just let me or Mum know when you’re ready to have se–”

“Dad!” Cayden exclaimed, suddenly unable to make eye contact with either Harry or Maggie. “Please, don’t!”

“Cayden,” Harry seemed suddenly serious. “It’s important that we discuss these things. If you’re thinking about having sex–”

Maggie whimpered as if in pain. Cayden’s cheeks were radiating heat.

“–you need to be safe. Mum and I can help, mate,” he said, smiling. Apparently, completely unaware of the pain he was putting two teenagers through.

“Oh, my God,” Cayden moaned in distress. “It was our first kiss, for Christ’s sake!”

“It was?”

“Yes, Dad!”

“Huh,” Harry looked perplexed. “From the horizontal tango I walked in on, it didn’t seem like your first kiss.”

“OH, MY GOD!” Cayden screeched. Maggie looked as if she might pass out.

Cayden didn’t think he’d ever seen his dad look prouder of himself. He shrugged, smirking.

“No glove, no love, kiddos.”

When Cayden looked over at Maggie, her eyes were up towards the ceiling, face permanently red. She looked beautiful, but he didn’t think it was appropriate to say with his dad standing there, especially given the circumstances.

“Well,” Cayden murmured under his breath, “at least, our first kiss was memorable.”

And the way Maggie looked up him made up for the sex talk he inevitably had with his parents after she left. Her eyes were shining, just as brightly as he knew they would be earlier. He smiled widely at the sight.

Rae had never felt impelled to wear heels on a night out. She got the appeal, she supposed, but the pain didn’t make the appeal worth it in her head. Even in the first week, when all her girlfriends had been pulling wedges and stilettos on, she still opted for her beaten up pair black Vans that she’d owned since her feet had stopped growing. When she was standing in line at the club, sure she felt a little out of place for a while, but once a couple of hours had passed and the rest of her friends were moaning about how their feet hurt, she couldn’t help but smile smugly.

It was for that reason that she couldn’t work out why she’d decided to put on a pair of black wedges, that she didn’t know how she’d come to be the owner of, with her jeans and metallic green halterneck top. It had been Niall’s raised eyebrows, and brotherly warning about her feet hurting, that had made her even more determined to get through the night in them. However, as she stood in line for Coalition with her housemates, she wished she’d listened to his words of caution and changed her shoes.

Her feet were beginning to hurt, and it was getting hard to hide. She was barely spending a second with her weight on one foot before switching to the other. In her head, she was playing a constant loop of ‘you can do this, you’ll be inside soon, and you can get a drink and it won’t hurt then.’ She had no idea if that was true, she’d never spent a night in heels to know, and the fact Niall’s potion like pre drink cocktail had done nothing for the pain, she felt like she might have been fooling herself.

As the line moved closer to the door, the sound of the bass heavy music reminded Rae why they usually avoided Coalition on a night out. The scene at Coalition wasn’t what any of them normally went in for, it was dark and dingy and a little bit too cool for the sort of night out Rae and her housemates normally liked. However, the promise of cheap alcohol and the Summer Party tagline had made it a little more tempting than it would otherwise have been.

The university had quietened down for the summer term’s private study period, but in true student fashion not much studying had been happening inside Lansdowne Road. Even Harry had joined in with movie days that ended in popcorn comas on the sofa. Rae had been to too many house parties to count, and she hadn’t paid anywhere near enough thought to her last project of the year. Harry was the only one who scurried away to work on something every now and again, which only made her feel guilty for not doing the same.

Since their argument, Rae had done nothing but feel guilty. It was typical of her to lose her head in a row and speak before she thought. She spent too many nights after the day at the beach wishing Harry had just cut her off and stopped her, but he hadn’t and instead they were working on a barely friends, just about tolerate one another basis. They were civil, but that was about it. They didn’t interact unless they had to, but they did seem to be going out of their way not to make it awkward for the others though, and Rae tried to be happy with that. It didn’t seem like they could ever go back to what they had before, so Rae tried to settle, content, in whatever she could get.

Harry was about as far from content as he could get though.

He hated every day that passed and didn’t end with her sat on his bed, curled in his arms or listening to Fleetwood Mac on the record player. It actually bubbled under his skin and frustrated him. He groaned at himself, either silently in his head in the kitchen as she walked out of the room with Niall, offering him an apologetic smile, or loudly in his head as he sat in his room thinking how much better it would be if she was sat on his bed working on her project whilst he sketched with his candles lit and records on.

It was harder in situations like that evening. Harry was so used to being the one stood next to her, but instead he was stood behind her with Louis between them as they squeezed into available space. He couldn't help but let his mind wander to how it might have been had he not freaked out. If he’d not let his head get the better of himself, he might be stood next to her, reaching for her hand so she didn’t get dragged into the crowd by some strangers the way he wished Niall would at least try to do.

Harry felt his blood boil as the doorman looked Rae up and down, her ID in his hand, checking out more than just her face as he pretended to assess her age. He could tell Rae had noticed it too from the way she snatched her driving licence back out of the bulky man's fingers without even a thank you and moved past him not so much as glancing up at his face. Harry smiled smugly as the man’s jaw dropped at her attitude. That was his Rae.

Inside it was heaving. Rae knew she should have expected as much. From the doorway she could just about see the bar, and she hovered waiting for her friends before trying to make her way through the hordes of people. Through the crowds she couldn’t make out if she knew anyone else in the bar, but she could guess there’d be a couple of people she’d know from around at least. Rae had quickly discovered uni wasn’t as big and scary as people made out, and she ended up bumping into people she recognised more often than she initially she thought she might.

Slowly the boys she’d arrived with joined her inside. Rae was still stood hesitantly just inside, in the dark out of the centre of things when Harry brought up the rear. It was hard to hear anything but the music, but Rae took the lead by shouting over it to suggest getting drinks. Liam was quickly distracted by someone he knew from basketball and so Louis suggested, loudly, that he and Harry find somewhere for the group to sit whilst Rae and Niall sorted the first round.

Since things with Harry had got less heated, in every way possible, Rae had found herself sticking to Niall a lot more than normal. It wasn’t anything like what had gone between her and Harry in those few months, but it was a tight friendship that Rae felt more than grateful to have. Sometimes she wanted to ask Niall if Harry said anything about her, but she knew it wasn’t fair to put Niall in that situation and the friendship he had with Harry was very separate to the friendship he had with her. And, apart from that, she was certain Harry wasn’t thinking about asking about her.

She was wrong.

Harry spent whole afternoons with Niall wondering if it would be appropriate to bring up Rae. Things would get mentioned that would make it easy to slip her into conversation, but Harry was so scared of getting caught out, so scared of being the deer in headlights, that he’d move the conversation as far from the link to Rae as he could. It always circled back to her though. Somehow, even when it didn’t entirely make sense, he still found himself thinking about her, and wondering if he could ask Niall if she ever said anything to him.

At the bar, Rae leaned against the solid wooden top, Niall standing behind her, reaching in beside her so his chest was pressed against her arm. Of course neither of them thought anything of the contact. Rae knew it was nothing. She knew because there wasn’t electricity zapping through her arm the way she knew it would be doing if it was something.

The bar man, a young, heavily pierced, shaggy haired beanie wearer, caught Rae’s eye and signalled he’d be over to her next. With that she relaxed her stance a little and looked down at her not so well manicured hand, the dark nail varnish chipped and her nails an amalgamation of lengths. The heels weren’t fooling anyone, but especially not her.

‘What can I get you?’ The young man wasn’t local, his somewhere north accent was thick and made his voice sound deeper than it probably actually was.

‘Erm, can I get a vodka redbull, two pints of lager and two tequila lemonades.’ Rae smiled as the boy nodded and wandered off to complete her order.

‘Tequila?’ Niall questioned, Rae twisting her head to him as he did. The look on Niall’s face told her it was as bad an idea as she knew it really was. Rae nodded none the less though. ‘You sure that’s a good idea?’

‘I’ll be fine.’ Rae smiled turning back as two drinks landed on the solid wood in front of her.

‘That’s what you said last time.’ Niall groaned, slightly under his breath but still loud enough so Rae could hear, which considering the music was fairly loud. Rae knew what Niall was thinking about, and she was thinking it too, but just hoped the night didn’t end with Niall holding her hair back as she emptied her stomach at the nearest convenient spot. ‘You go find the others, I’ll get these and bring the rest over.’ Niall told her. Rae took the drinks and walked away, wondering into the swarm of bodies to find her other friends.

Most people didn’t even notice her as she moved past them. She was short, coming in at just over five foot and her petite, though admittedly curvy, frame meant she could squeeze through small gaps secretly. She spotted Louis, Liam and Harry sat in a booth in the corner, the girl Louis was seeing (though Rae was yet to be introduced to) and one of her friends sat with them. They didn’t seem to have noticed her yet, and Rae couldn’t ignore how her skin bristled at how close the friend was to Harry. It was beginning to seem a lot like those sort of feelings for him would never go away and she hated it.

‘Here she is.’ Louis called, spotting Rae walking towards them. Rae forced a smile onto her face, teeth and all as they all looked up at her from their seats.

‘Niall’s bringing yours.’ Rae explained as she placed the tumbler glass, the exact same as hers, in front of Harry.

‘Thanks.’ Harry mumbled, picking up the glass, but never meeting Rae’s eyes as he did so and continued to take a mouthful. Rae did the same and turned her body slightly to look out over the club. People were dancing around the DJ booth, but Rae didn’t recognise anyone through the throng so just wished Niall would hurry up.

‘Rae?’ Louis’ voice was sharp and louder than necessary and it snapped Rae from the distracted trance she didn’t realise she was in. When she looked back down at Louis he was looking at her a little fed up and confused. ‘I was trying to introduce you to Nancy.’

‘Sorry, it’s fucking loud in here ey?’ Rae jested with a smirk and Louis just shook his head. ‘Nice to meet you.’

‘You too, I’ve heard loads about you.’ Nancy smiled sweetly, her thin lips lifting in a slight smile. She was clearly nervous and Rae wondered what exactly Louis had been telling her.

‘Well that can’t be good.’ Rae laughed, Nancy doing the same. Rae noticed how easily Nancy relaxed as they both chuckled with each other, and she remembered the last person who had done that with her. She kicked herself internally, why did it always come back to him? Rae flitted her eyes to Harry. He was deep in conversation with the redhead friend she hadn’t been introduced to, though had seen around, and due to the bitter jealousy inside of her, had no desire to be.

‘Do you want to sit?’ Nancy offered, a kind smile still on her face. Rae shook her head and took a sip of her drink, twisting her neck back across the club. She didn’t want to be stood there, she needed more than a few sips of tequila to be distracted from the internal quarrel inside of her.

‘Nah, I’m gonna go find Niall, he’s taking ages.’ Rae chuckled, stepping back away from the booth taking her drink with her and ignoring the call of her name from Louis that followed her, pretending not to hear.

Harry watched her walk away, looking over the red head’s shoulder the way he had been doing periodically whilst Rae and Nancy got acquainted. As always he got entranced by the swing of her hips as she walked, but it only seemed to be more intense with her legs made longer by the heeled shoes she’d decided to wear. Harry couldn’t help but wonder why she opted for them when he saw her in the hallway, as always the first ready and as always waiting patiently for her male housemates. She’d never worn heels in all the months Harry had known her, not even at her birthday party or New Year’s Eve, but he couldn’t deny she looked great, but then when did she not as far as he was concerned?

‘Where’s she going?’ Harry asked, lifting his glass hoping it would disguise any concern that might be visible. Tanya turned her head to look the same way as Harry.

‘I’ve never seen her wear heels before.’ Tanya commented, tilting her head to one side as she also watched Rae move away from them, squeezing in between two people before disappearing and Tanya relaxed her neck.

‘I didn’t know you knew her that well.’ Harry snapped quickly and without really meaning too, thought he didn’t care to take it back. Tanya frowned looking back at him before looking back after Rae, though she’d long gone.

‘I don’t, just never seen her in heels when I have seen her about.’ Tanya explained clearly a little taken back by his tone.

‘She doesn’t normally.’ Harry mumbled embarrassed, taking another sip of his drink and realising it was nearly all gone already.

‘Obviously trying to impress someone.’ Tanya giggled, looking up at Harry and it grated on him. Harry hadn’t looked at a girl and not compared her to Rae since before New York, but now they were in this strange barely talking phase, it was even worse. Nothing about Tanya came close to Rae even with her perfect smile, thick, long red hair, and sparkling green eyes framed with long dark lashes. ‘She looks great.’

‘Yeah she does.’ Harry sighed, sinking back in his chair. Tanya clearly got the hint and she smiled sympathetically at him before doing the same, their thighs touched as she did so, but Harry was quick to squeeze his legs closer together away from her.

‘Don’t worry, I’m not offended, you’re not really my type anyway.’ Tanya smiled and Harry huffed a laugh. ‘I think you might be hers though.’ Tanya whispered, nodding her head in the direction Rae had walked. Harry just huffed again and shook his head.

‘Ah thanks lad.’ Harry looked up at Louis’ suddenly increased volume to see Niall placing two pints of beer and Louis’ vodka red bull on the table, Rae-less.

‘Rae came to find you.’ Harry piped up, dipping his brows at Niall. Niall just shook his head and turned his mouth downwards.

‘Haven’t seen her.’ Niall shrugged. ‘She’ll turn up, probably changed her mind about the tequila she ordered.’

‘She ordered tequila?!’ Liam’s shock reflected Harry’s internal reaction. It was no secret that tequila didn’t sit well in Rae’s stomach. They’d all seen it at least once, and all helped her home or to bed after as well. Niall just nodded with a smirk.

‘Well you can be the one to deal with that later for allowing that.’

‘She is a grown woman Liam.’ Niall retorted before taking a mouthful of his drink.

‘I don’t know about grown.’ Louis chuckled.

‘Oh yeah, cause you’re stacked when it comes to height Lou.’ Nancy smirked, knowing it would get under his skin as much as the next person. Louis smile fell instantly and Harry couldn’t help but laugh, glad someone else had stuck up for Rae so he no longer felt his jaw clenching with the need to.

Harry kept himself in the background as the night went on. The music wasn’t his scene and he had no interest in finding anyone he knew when his housemates flitted back to him regularly. He was never alone, but he may as well have been for the amount of chat he offered. His mind was somewhere else, but that often seemed to be the case recently. He knew why, but he was at a loss for what to do about it. Harry didn’t see Rae again after she left to find Niall, and although he wondered where she might have got to, he didn’t think he was the person to go and find out.

‘Right come on we’re going to get drinks.’ Niall announced, clearly fed up of Harry’s silence and determined to put him to good use if he wouldn’t entertain conversation. Harry sighed, but didn’t put up a fight instead just followed Niall to the bar. Harry didn’t know how much he’d drunk, but he knew it took a second to centre himself again when he stood.

As they edged closer to the bar Harry caught her out of the corner of his eye. He often felt gravitated towards her and it was times like that, that he thought he might actually be. She was with a boy he didn’t know but instantly took a disliking to, simply from the way he was closer to her than he was himself. Harry leaned against the bar intuitively, his eyes still glued to Rae as Niall squeezed in beside him.

‘Stop staring at her it’s creepy.’ Niall started, fed up of the silence and Harry’s unrelenting gaze in Rae’s direction. Rae had, as she always seemed to, found some male attention. Niall didn’t know the lad, and he didn’t think Harry did either, but he looked like a first year and so Niall assumed he was from Rae’s course.

‘I’m not staring, I’m just watching intently.’ Niall huffed and shook his head, trying to catch the barman’s eye, but not being very successful. Harry kept his eye on Rae despite Niall’s words. The tequila was beginning to flood his brain and he didn’t care so much about the things he normally did. He didn’t even think he’d mind if Rae turned and saw him staring at her.

Harry’s eyes followed her and her friend to the bar, the pair of them standing too close for Harry’s liking. It wasn’t that he was doing anything untoward, but it was the way his hand lingered over her back and Harry’s own hand burned, and the way Rae laughed as he spoke and Harry’s mind reeled back to all the times she’d done that with him.

‘You’re so fucking jealous it’s disgusting.’ Niall laughed, and Harry snapped his head towards Niall. The look on Harry’s face was familiar to Niall. All offended and pouty, but Niall also knew it was the look Harry gave when he’d been caught out and was trying to act like it wasn’t true.

‘I’m not jealous!’ Harry reprimanded with a snap that only made Niall laugh at his best friend.

‘The sky is pink.’ Harry’s brow furrowed deeper with Niall’s words because now he really was talking nonsense. ‘You know what those two sentences had in common?’

‘No.’ Harry sneered, over Niall’s gibberish.

‘They were both lies.’ Niall smirked with a wink. Harry just rolled his eyes, not bothering to rise to it, because really he knew, and he also knew that Niall knew, that what Niall was saying was true.

Harry knew full well he had no right to be jealous when it came to Rae. It was because of him they were in the mess they were in. If he could have psyched himself up to tell her the truth, that he freaked out, got scared what she might think of him, or at the very least knock on her door after their argument and insist they talk, things might be different and he might be the one at the bar with her rather than the one looking on wishfully. Instead, his stomach twinged every time she laughed at the strange boy, and every time his hand found her.

‘How the fuck are they getting served first?’ Harry drew his eyes to Niall again before turning his head to look where he was looking. The barman was stood before Rae and her companion taking the order as she smiled sweetly at him.

‘Come on Ni, who would you serve first out of us or her?’ Harry scoffed, continuing to watch Rae as he spoke.

‘Us!’ Niall cried, disgusted Harry could even ask the question. ‘Oi Raymond.’ Niall called, and Harry watched as she turned her head towards them, her smile faltering for a second and Harry’s heart dropping near to his stomach as it did so. It had never done that before, and Harry felt something inside of him snap. ‘Get ours?’

‘I’m not buying sorry Ni.’ Rae shrugged and turned away again. Harry felt his nostrils flare and his jaw clench again.

‘Did she say she’s not buying?’ Harry asked, Niall just nodded with an unimpressed look not getting Harry’s drift at all. ‘Does that mean he’s buying her a drink?’

‘I guess.’ Niall shrugged, getting impatient, leaning across the bar to try and get someone’s attention and not really taking any notice of Harry. Harry’s attention had drifted from Niall as well though, and instead was watching as Rae was led, by the hand (the one free from the drink she’d just been brought) to the dancefloor.

It didn’t matter how much Harry didn’t want to see Rae in such close proximity to another man, he couldn’t look away. With each second that passed, Rae got an inch closer to him. Harry couldn’t tell if she was initiating it or he was, but neither suited Harry. If he was honest, he was disgusted at himself for thinking and feeling the way he was. She wasn’t his to feel that way about, he’d given up any right to be jealous, or whatever else he was feeling, when he decided to leave her on the couch without an explanation.

It didn’t make a difference though. No matter how much Harry knew it was wrong, he found himself charging towards Rae and her companion. Somewhere in the background Harry could hear Niall calling after him, but his voice was distant and easily ignored when he was so focused on getting down to the dancefloor and through a crowd of people to Rae. When she came into sight, she was all he saw, her friend completely forgotten as he moved closer. Harry could tell her smile was genuine as she looked up at the other boy, but even that didn’t stop Harry.

Before he really knew what he was doing, he reached out for her grabbing her arm. It clearly shocked her, he could have sworn he felt her jump under his touch, and it was then he realised what he was doing. At that point though, there was no going back, especially when she was looking up at him confused and a little annoyed.

‘Can we talk?’ Harry asked loudly, eyes glued to her, before she could question what he was doing.

‘Right now?’ Rae practically sneered.

‘Yes.’ Harry insisted, knowing this time, it really was now or never. If he didn’t get the thoughts and words out of his head now, they’d stay there forever. He’d never be in that place again, with the same motivations and the same need to try. Rae sighed loudly at him and looked at the boy with sorry eyes.

‘Whoa, no way mate, I’m dancing with her.’ The boy insisted moving to get Harry’s hand of Rae. Harry dropped Rae’s wrist, but instead of surrendering he reached down and took her hand.

‘Sorry, you’re dancing is far less important than what I have to say.’ Harry informed him with absolutely no guilt. Harry led Rae away from the dancefloor, hearing a muttered curse as they turned from the boy.

‘What’s going on Harry?’ Rae asked from behind, as she followed him, her hand in his, the familiar hold heartwarming, but she didn’t let herself fall into it or get used to it. She’d made that mistake before, and it made going without it hard to bear.

‘Just need to talk to you.’ Harry told her, his hand squeezing hers as he led her towards the door.

‘Bit late isn’t it?’ Rae hissed, suddenly stony. She was confused. Why now? There’d been so many opportunities, better times to ‘talk’ and now didn’t seem like the best he was going to get. She knew Harry was complicated, but she liked that and took it with all the other things, but that was when things were good and the complication was easy, now she needed a bit more than just his need to talk to her without anything else. Harry stopped talking and turned to her. They were out of the worst of the noise, but it was still too dark for her eyes to focus properly on him, but she could see him nibbling his lip even so and feel his fingers around hers rubbing at her knuckles the way he would be doing to his own hand if hers wasn’t in it.

‘Is it?’ Harry asked, the worry clear in his tone despite his raised voice, and the way his eyes scanned her face. Rae just shrugged. ‘Can we leave so we can talk properly?’

‘No, not without an explanation Harry.’ Rae insisted. ‘It’s not fair, you haven’t spoken to me in weeks and now you want to take me home so we can have a little chat?’ Rae started, and she could feel herself walking down the same path she had done at the beach behind his car as Harry looked down at his feet. ‘No, sorry Harry, I need a little more, I deserve more, I need to-’

‘You’re right.’ Harry interjected, looking up at her suddenly from his shoes. Rae was a little taken aback by both his interruption and the air of confidence he commanded and held. ‘You do deserve a lot more, I’m sorry.’ She narrowed her eyes at him and Harry took a breath. ‘You deserve more than that too, but I think it’s all I got.’ Harry winced.

‘An explanation would be good.’ Rae told him, and Harry nodded. He knew that too, but the club wasn’t the place. ‘Shall we go outside?’ Rae suggested, seeming to read Harry’s mind. Harry nodded as she moved to take the lead towards the side door, towards the smoking shelter. It wasn’t dead, but it was quieter than the club, the booming bass just a distant echo as they took a seat at a raised table. Harry looked at Rae as she got comfortable, wrapping her arms around herself for warmth. ‘So, what happened?’ Harry shrugged at first, still not entirely comfortable with what did happen and despite all his faux-bravado, still not being able to find the words to explain it. ‘Come on Harry, if you really think I deserve more you’ve got to explain what changed.’ Rae insisted, trying her best not to get frustrated the way she had done previously.

Moments of silence followed. Rae looked at him completely quiet, begging him internally to open up. Harry was battling with his thoughts and looking down at his hands as he spun a ring around his finger subconsciously.

‘Right I’ll start then.’ Rae interrupted and Harry looked up to her a little bewildered, not sure what she felt like she had to explain. ‘I’m sorry if I pushed you too far, I’m sorry if I came on too strong, I’m sorry for coming down on you like a tonne of bricks at the beach but I was so done with being confused and you were giving me nothing.’

‘You really don’t need to be sorry for any of that.’ Harry laughed. ‘You didn’t push me too far, and I should have got a lot worse at the beach to be honest.’ Rae smirked as Harry rolled his eyes. ‘I’ve been a complete dick to you and there really is no excuse.’

‘Something must have happened.’ Rae tried, tentatively, beginning to chew on her lip a little. Harry nodded, and contemplated the words in his head. He couldn’t forget that morning, it had been etched into his mind and came to the forefront every day since at some point.

‘After, that morning, after the photoshoot, on the couch.’ Harry stumbled over his words like a child who hadn’t grasped the language properly yet. He took a deep shaky breath, looking down to his fingers again, his ring beginning to aggravate the skin underneath, he was spinning it so fast. Rae said nothing, the way she knew was best to do with Harry when he was trying to get his words out. ‘I woke up - before you,’ he added, though they both knew that bit didn’t need explaining. ‘And I, there was, erm,’ even then with the words burning his brain, on the tip of his tongue, with her looking at him like it didn’t matter what he was about to say, she just needed to hear it, he couldn’t quite get to it. He groaned at himself and reached for his forehead, massaging his temples with his thumb and ring finger respectively.

‘Just say it, it’s fine.’ Rae reassured, without an ounce of frustration for his failed attempts in her voice.

‘I woke up with a fucking boner alright.’ Harry blurted, suddenly and without warning for either him or Rae.

‘Ok.’ Rae’s voice was calm, her tone came across completely unaffected and Harry looked up at her slowly to see that she was, indeed, completely unaffected. Rae frowned at him as he continued to raise his head again as what he was saying began to click. ‘Wait that’s it?’ Rae asked, clearly confused. Harry nodded sheepishly. ‘Really?’

‘Yes, really.’ Harry barked. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to snap.’ He sighed. ‘You really don’t care?’

‘Why would I?’ Rae asked.

‘I dunno, because we were just cuddling on the couch quite innocently.’ Harry reminded her, as, as far as Harry could see, Rae had forgotten the situation they’d been in.

‘It’s quite a natural thing to happen.’ Rae laughed and Harry rolled his eyes at her. ‘So you ran off because?’

‘I was embarrassed, I didn’t know how you’d take it if you knew and I couldn’t tell you, I was scared you’d think I wanted more and-’

‘I wanted more.’ Rae told him nonchalantly, but not dropping his eyes. Harry still wondered how she never flinched when she was being so honest, but somehow when she was he found it so much easier to sink into it and do the same.

‘Wanted?’ Harry asked, with a hint of a smirk. He didn’t miss Rae pull hers back before it formed fully, and the way she kissed her teeth instead. Her eyes glittered as she thought about her response.

‘Want.’ She responded finally giving into the playful smirk teasing her lips. Harry just nodded. It didn’t matter if it was past or present it was still something he didn’t think he could go through with. The thought of opening up to someone that much terrified him. But then he looked at her, and it wasn’t quite as scary. His stomach still knotted when he thought about it and he felt a little sick, but it was just nervous anxiety rather than full blown fear. ‘Shall we go home then?’ She suggested. Harry took a literal second to contemplate it before he nodded at her.

Harry stood first, making sure he was there to offer her his hand before she stepped down from the stool. Rae took it with a smile and let him lead her back into the club and to the exit. Harry pushed their way through the crowd, checking over his shoulder for Rae every couple of seconds and giving Rae butterflies as he did so. This was the Harry she had fallen for, the Harry who had a battle with anxiety, but never let it win, the Harry who could be quietly confident of himself and lead her way.

‘My feet kill.’ Rae groaned once they were outside and beginning their walk towards the bus stop. Harry looked down on her from his height advantage, even with her heels.

‘Here.’ Harry moved in front of her and directed her hand onto his shoulders. ‘Ready?’ Harry asked, Rae just hummed. Harry crouched a little and reached around for the back of her thighs before lifting her up onto his back with ease. ‘Hold on.’ Harry instructed with a chuckle as he adjusted her and began walking, her arms linked across his chest.

Rae was alive with the electric feeling that had elicited inside her from the moment Harry had taken to lead her out of the club. It buzzed through her as he carried her towards the bus stop and held onto her tightly. She couldn’t wipe the grin of her face as they moved and it was that feeling that made her lean forward to place a delicate kiss on Harry’s cheekbone. She saw his cheek dimple as he felt it and his eyes turned to her, the smile changing him completely, happiness and contentment and a little relief washing over him.

The same atmosphere followed them all the way home, all the way to the bus stop and on the ride home as they shared a double seat about halfway back and Harry draped his arm across Rae’s shoulder and she rested her head against him. Harry could feel the tingle of anxiety creep up inside him as they got closer to their front door and it made him clench the hand that wasn’t holding Rae’s, tight so his nails dug into the palm of his free hand. There was no way he was going to let it take over this moment, because he knew there was no way Rae was going to shun him for anything he had to admit to her in the coming hours. Maybe he should have already told her, but there was time so he relaxed into that as much as he could.

Harry dug his hand into his pocket for a house key, pulling it out and, with a slightly shaky hand, unlocking the door. He pushed it open and stood aside to let Rae in first. From the doorstep he watched as she bent to undo her shoes and he had to look to the heavens and bite hard, down on his bottom lip to stop himself getting overwhelmed. They both knew what was on the cards, it was written all over what hadn’t been said and the promise of it was enough to put Harry on edge in the best way he’d ever known. The slight reveal of the small of her back and the way her hair cascaded over her shoulder and exposed her neck was enough to make him want so much more.

Harry shut the door behind him and moved towards the stairs, waiting before the bottom step, arm resting on the bannister for Rae to turn to him. He let his eyes wander over her from behind, he couldn’t help it, he’d spent too long not letting himself to care now, with the promise of all of her at the back of his mind. He wanted his hands on her so much so that he had to delve his hands into the pockets of his jeans to stop them from taking over.

Rae finally turned to Harry. He was stood at the bottom of the stairs, his head tilted back just a little and his lips parted a little, and pouty. He was practically looking down at her, but not in the way he normally did, there was something slightly devilish and lustful to his look in that moment. His hair was wild from the walk home, dishevelled and messy, as if he’d just got out of bed. Rae smirked at the irony of that thought. The floral shirt he was wearing was undone enough so that she could see the heads of his swallows a little, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted him. He was looking at her like he wanted her too, and slowly he closed his mouth to bite down on his bottom lip as his eyes trailed down her body and his hands grabbed at the inside of his pockets, the feeling inside him nearly overwhelming as she took steps closer.

Rae reached for his hand, and he took one from a pocket to give it to her. It was obvious to them both that Rae would take the lead, and Harry happily let her. This was lesser known territory to him and he was happy for her to show him the way. They crept up the stairs as if keeping a secret, though neither of them really cared at that point. Rae hesitated on the landing, not sure where to go.

‘My room.’ Harry suggested bravely. The privacy of his lonely attic room made him say it, but he liked the little smirk she gave as he took control for a brief second, but he preferred the feeling inside when she was the one in command of him.

Once they were up the stairs, Harry pushed his bedroom door shut behind him and flicked the overhead light on. They both winced at it, until that point they’d been working on the residual light from outside and it was clear neither of them were that keen on the beaming, bright light of Harry’s room.

‘I’ll put the lamp on.’ Harry told Rae sliding his hand out of hers. The room bathed in darkness for a moment between Rae turning off the main light and Harry flicking on the bedside lamp. Rae hummed satisfaction as Harry turned back towards her. For seconds they stood still where they were and took each other in again. They’d seen each other like this before, both had these thoughts before, but never had either of them presumed they’d be acting on them any time soon.

Rae took the first step towards Harry, and once she’d done that it seemed to go in fast forward. Harry matched her steps and within seconds they were in front of one another. He reached for her head, cupping the angle of her jaw gently to tilt her face towards him. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers a little more forcefully than he’d anticipated doing, but she didn’t recoil so he let his urges continue to feed his actions.

Harry felt Rae’s hands moving up his chest over his shirt, she slid them over his shoulders but quickly backtracked down to his chest again. He felt her fiddling with the buttons of his shirt, and she made light work of getting them undone and untucking the silky fabric from his jeans. Rae’s hands found his bare chest and he shuddered at the intimate touch, intimate at least for them. She pulled back from the ongoing kiss to push the shirt from his shoulders and didn’t hesitate to take the opportunity to take in his bare abdomen and each tattoo that decorated it. She’d seen it before, but it was different in the dim light of Harry’s room.

Harry enjoyed the way she looked over him, clearly pleased with what she saw as she tilted her head. It drove him, and he quickly attached his lips to hers again, before reaching for the back of her legs and lifting her from the floor. Rae wrapped herself around him, her heat on his stomach driving them both wild. Harry moved them towards the bed, lowering Rae onto it before crawling over her. Rae had never known Harry like this, the wild glimmer in his eye and the confidence that oozed out of him, but she could get used to it.

Once he was on top of her, Harry began to place fleeting kisses against her jawline slowly moving down her neck. Rae moaned quietly through closed lips as he found a sweet spot she’d forgotten she had, where her neck met her jaw. Harry’s hand slipped under her top and gripped onto her waist as he continued to attack her neck with kisses. Slowly he moved his hand to the hem of her top and toyed with it, similarly to how he did with the thought in his head, before lifting it up over her body. As he exposed her upper half, each curve and freckle like gold dust to him, he felt himself harden more inside his jeans, the tight constriction of them playing havoc with him.

Rae could see he was nervous, as he looked over her, he seemed hesitant and unsure. It clouded over him and she was suddenly scared he was about to retreat again. But then she saw his eyelashes flicker and it was clear he was fully in the moment, but just wary.

‘You ok?’ She asked quietly, looking up at him from where she laid. Harry found her eyes quickly and nodded, trying not to let the disbelief at how beautiful she looked show.

‘Yeah just,’ Harry hesitated over his words for the second time that night. He remembered the club though, and how unbothered she’d been by his admittance then, he was sure it would be no different now. ‘I’ve not done this before.’ He admitted through a long drawn out breath, his voice quiet and subtle, though the words came out quickly and jumbled.

‘That’s ok.’ Rae reassured quickly, rising up onto her elbows to be a little closer to him. ‘We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.’ She’d be lying if she said she’d expected it, but at the same time it wasn’t a complete shock. Still she regretted presuming he was experienced as his looks would have her believe.

‘No, no, I want to, trust me I really want to, it’s just,’ Harry stopped to think, but before he could Rae interrupted.

‘Why don’t we just take it slow?’ She suggested with a smile, sliding out from underneath him and taking his hand to lay back against the pillows at the head of his bed. Harry followed suit, laying down opposite her and looking at her. Once again Harry let Rae take the lead. He let her put his hand on her bare waist as she shuffled closer, and let her pull his head down to kiss him.

For a few minutes, they just enjoyed being close, playing catch up with kisses that lasted longer than the one they’d shared before. Rae deepened it without warning, pushing in closer and letting her tongue swipe out against Harry’s lips. He moaned into her mouth as her hand snaked down his body to his jeans. They could both feel him against her, but this time he didn’t mind and held his breath for a moment or two as her fingers brushed against him through his jeans, her fingers unbuttoning them and freeing him a little.

Rae pulled back from his lips and giggled as Harry pouted at her, moving forward to get more. Instead of letting him, she pushed her hand into his chest and shook her head. Harry groaned disappointment, but quickly recovered, his eyes going a little wider as he felt her pulling at the elastic of his boxers. The angle made it a little awkward, but she slipped her hand in his boxers wrapping her delicate fingers around his hard length and slowly moving her hand up and down him.

Harry’s eyes rolled back into his head as the sensation overtook him. He’d only had one other person touch him like that, it was long time ago but he could remember it was rushed and messy completely void of feeling. What Rae was making him feel was otherworldly, and he was seeing stars quicker than he’d ever known. Even he wasn’t that good.

Rae got a kick out of seeing him enjoy it so much, but she wanted more. Once she’d pushed his jeans down his legs a little more and he did the same with his boxers she moved a little closer to him.

‘Will you touch me?’ She whispered in his ear. Rae leant back a bit and saw his eyes go wider again. ‘You don’t have to if-’

‘I want to, I just never have before.’ Harry admitted no longer scared of repercussions. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’

‘Don’t worry.’ Rae told him with a smile and for a second he thought she was telling him not to bother, but then she took his hand from her waist and directed it towards the button of her jeans. ‘Just do what feels right, I’ll tell you if it doesn’t feel right.’ She told him, and so Harry did as she said.

His fingers were a little shaky as he undid her jeans and pushed them over her hips, and his breath hitched in his throat when he looked down at her in just her underwear. A dark wine colour of intricate lace the only thing between him and her. From her jeans that he left mid calf for her to kick off, he traced his fingers back up her inner leg. As his fingers tickled against the inside of her thigh, Harry heard Rae’s breathing get heavier and he knew he was doing the right thing. He moved her underwear aside gently and pushed his fingers into them, quickly finding the spot he knew to look for.

‘Relax.’ Rae encouraged, feeling Harry tense against her. Her free hand trailed down his bare chest the feather light contact enough to reassure Harry and relax him again. Feelings, stronger than any Harry knew were buzzing around him at the speed of light, but somehow still, she kept him calm. There was no doubt in Harry’s mind that Rae was special, and if he didn’t know it before, her certainly knew it then.

+

The next morning, Harry was woken up by the sunlight flooding in and illuminating the room more than the bedside lamp had the night before. Neither of them had left the bed properly to shut the curtains after they’d collapsed beside one another, breathless and content. Harry still felt relaxed from reaching his peak in her hands as his eyes adjusted to the blinding light.

It didn’t take too long to remember what had gone the night before, his mind circling back to it as he felt Rae in his arms still, a little further away than she had been when they fell asleep, but there nonetheless. His vision was a little blurry as he came to, but he could see her there, her dark hair splayed out across the pillows and her golden, smooth skin, tight across her shoulder blades, gently rising and falling as she breathed. A sleepy smile pulled at his lips as he rolled closer to her on his side. He could get used to this.

Sleep kept him heavy as he nuzzled into Rae’s skin, she smelt just as good as she had the night before and he just wanted to keep breathing it in. He began to pepper the tiniest kisses against the back of her neck and across her shoulder blades, lazily, barely moving his head as he did so. It felt like the most natural, normal thing in the world to be there in bed with Rae. In that moment, he could easily forget all the shit he’d put them through to get to that point, because it didn’t feel like it mattered now that he had her in his bed with him.

Harry knew the feeling he had inside him then, one of utter bliss and happiness, the feeling that nothing was missing, was one that he could easily (and if he was honest, happily) get addicted to. It was better than anything he’d known before. All he wanted was to make her feel good, not good like he did the previous night (all though that too, because it felt incredible to have her like that at his touch) but something more. He wanted Rae to understand what it was he was feeling and that somehow, though he didn’t know how, he knew it wasn’t fleeting.

Rae slowly stirred as Harry continued with the delicate kisses and sleepy nuzzles into her. She felt like she should say something as she slowly came to, her eyelashes fluttering against one another as she was coaxed from her sleep and the light tried to get in. Her voice felt stuck in her throat though, not quite awake enough to speak yet.

‘Morning,’ Harry whispered, his voice gruff as he pressed his face against her back. The sound felt so intimate as it reached inside Rae and made the butterflies from last night resurface. She didn’t say anything just rolled onto her side, so she could look at him. There was a tiny, lazy smile on her face, her eyes just open but enough to see him, dishevelled from sleep and clearly not one hundred percent with it.

Rae had nothing to say, so instead of ruining the moment with something stupid she just moved up him a little and kissed his slightly parted lips. It took Harry back a little bit, because even though last night was so vivid in his mind and he had her naked in his arms, he’d somehow forgotten they did that now. It didn’t take more than a second for him to sink into it though, and he kissed her back letting his eyes close slowly as he sunk into it.

‘Do you want coffee?’ Harry asked against her lips, eventually pulling back, his voice still like sand paper from sleep. Rae hummed a small smile, they both knew that wasn’t even a question. It was only the two of them that drunk coffee in the house, but they couldn’t go without it. Harry smirked, pressing another kiss to her head as he unravelled from her and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

Rae watched him from behind as he rolled his shoulders and scraped his fingers through his hair, his ribcage expanding as he stretched. Everytime she saw the muscles in his back contract her legs went to jelly, but she smiled to herself as she reached out and stroked her fingers along them, making them ripple under her fingertips, because she could actually do that now, not just wish she could. She heard Harry hum satisfaction as he twisted his neck to look over his shoulder to her.

‘Don’t start that or I’ll never leave.’ Harry mumbled, his eyes watching hers as she scanned his back, following her fingers that were tracing patterns over the tight skin.

‘You don’t have to.’ Rae told him, raising her eyebrows and flicking her eyes to his.

‘You want coffee though.’ Harry reminded her with a smile. Rae shrugged and moved her head from side to side as if she wasn’t bothered by the caffeine hit even though they both knew she was craving it as much as he was. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ Harry told her, leaning over the bed to give her yet another kiss.

Rae watched as she stood up, a pair of shorts resting on his hips as he left the room, her eyes following him. Harry left the door just open and Rae took the opportunity to pull a t-shirt on. Obviously Harry didn’t have his radiator turned up as high as she did and without him in the bed too it felt chilly. She found his Rolling Stones t-shirt in a pile of clothes on the floor by his wardrobe and pulled it over her head. It was drenched in his smell. Not just the aftershave he wore, but the same smell that had engulfed her the night before, and then again that morning.

The t-shirt covered her modesty and she padded across the room to put a record on, knowing Harry wouldn’t mind, and knowing it wouldn’t disturb, her probably, nearly definitely, hungover housemates. She leafed through his collection, all the greats amongst it and finally settled on the Abbey Road album, because was there anything more classic? And it was one they hadn’t listened to together yet.

It was as she was placing the pin back down on the record that she got distracted. Come Together started at least four beats after the beginning, after she lost concentration in putting the pin down in the right place and instead became focused on the photo behind the lid of the player. Two women stood, close together and looking at the camera. Rae wondered if Harry had taken it and instantly smiled, recognising the younger woman as Harry’s sister from instagram and guessing the older to be his mum. She laughed a little to herself, suddenly it was obvious where he got his looks from, it clearly ran in the genes.

‘What you doing?’ Harry’s voice was light, although a little more pointed than Rae would have liked. Rae turned to him with a smile and lifted the photo so he could see what she was looking at, Harry just nodded.

‘They’re so pretty.’ Rae told him, as if he didn’t know, looking back down at the photo and smiling as she placed it back down. She looked at his sister again, it was in her head before it really had time to develop. ‘I’d love to shoot your sister.’ She announced just as quickly as the thought entered her mind.

‘Gemma?’ Harry asked, clearly a little surprised. Rae turned to him and moved towards where he was sat on the bed. She caught him looking her up and down in only his dirty t-shirt. She nodded and took the coffee he was handing her before straddling his hips. They both took a sip, Harry contemplating what she was saying. ‘Really?’

‘Yes, Harry, really.’ Rae laughed nodding and taking another delicate sip of the well made coffee. ‘Actually I’d like to shoot you together.’

‘I’ll only show her up, I’m practically a model now.’ Harry jested with a wink for good measure and Rae shook her head at him.

‘For my final project, it could be great, will you let me talk to her?’ Rae asked a little tentatively. Sure they were sat impeccably close together, sipping morning coffee whilst she wore one of his shirts after a night together, but talking to his sister was another kettle of fish. It was for that reason that Rae couldn’t quite believe the confidence in his tone when he gave his answer.

‘Of course I will,’ Harry smiled. ‘We can talk to her together.’

They spent the rest of the day curled up under Harry’s duvet. They didn’t get disturbed, Louis hadn’t even made it home, and Liam and Niall were too hungover to care where there other housemates were. Rae did have a text from Niall at lunchtime asking if she wanted Vegemite on toast, because he knew if she was feeling the way he was all she’d want was vegemite and cars on the TV and a cup of tea.

Unfortunately Harry had already beaten him too it. In his sleepy, slightly hungover (but from more than just alcohol) state, he’d forgotten that she didn’t take milk in her tea. Of course, because he was Harry he was devastated he could make such a mistake, and his cheeks went red and his eyes wide as something that looked like panic set in. Rae just laughed it off and told him not too worry, taking a sip of the tea and pretending that the milk in it didn’t make her feel a bit funny, because it was him and she could put up with milk in her tea for his sake. However, she knew going forward the reminder not do it again would become a private joke between them that he’d roll his eyes at with a sort-of smirk on his face.

A/N I don’t know why the images won’t go up again but I’ll sort them later! I think the writing IS what you really want anyway haha!

So some of you saw it coming, some of you thought I was really that mean? As if I could be horrible to this soft Harry! I’m offended.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter guys, as always my ask box is open to chat about these or send me a message, I don’t mind either. Also more theories - waht do you think’s in store next for these pair?

As always, I can’t post without thanking my one true loves @cuddlemusclestyles and @harrysmeadow. I am genuinely serious when I say my fics would NOT get written without them, they are the best and I love them dearly. Also Steph did the manip for Harry’s insta again, and killed it, again, so thanks bae.

Harry couldn’t remember the outgoing little boy his mum described when they were looking at old family photos. Harry couldn’t remember ever being anyone but the boy who shut himself away because of nerves and anxiety, in fear of what could potentially go wrong. He knew he did it, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier to stop it. Harry often felt like he had a steam train coming straight for him, but he was powerless to slow it down let alone cease it’s journey.

If Harry stopped to think about it, he knew there were plenty of negative outcomes that could result from the photoshoot with Rae. At best he might embarrass himself or the photos might not work. At worst she could decide to mention the kiss that both of them seemed to have silently agreed to leave in New York.

Three weeks had passed since their trip and they’d continued their friendship as if nothing had happened. It wasn’t that Harry hadn’t wanted to talk about it, he had. At the time he just kept talking himself down from it, telling himself, if Rae wanted to, she’d bring it up. Of course he didn’t know she was telling herself the same thing, not wanting to make him feel awkward or freak him out. But now they’d let three weeks pass, and aside from their own personal reasons for not bringing it up, it felt like too long had passed to do so.

Despite it all, somehow, despite even himself, that morning he’d managed to push it all to the back of his mind. Front and centre was having a great day with Rae, watching her doing what she loved, and revelling in the feeling of being chosen by her to be photographed for her project. It felt great. It was the second best feeling he knew.

Harry was typically early as he took his long legged, even strides towards the studio building Rae had told him about. He couldn’t help himself. Even when Rae had told him to meet her there, she had things to set up. Even when she assured him that she’d be fine on her own, he found himself eager to make sure he was there before he was needed. It was like the airport all over again, despite everything else, he found he wanted to put himself out there more for her than anyone else he knew.

With two coffees in his hand, he was glad the door had been left open. Inside the studio was a complete parallel to how it appeared outside. Outside it was cloaked in old red brick, slightly crumbling at the edges, flaking black paint on the doors and no windows. Indoors however, was bright white, somehow clinical. Large, heavy lights hung from the ceiling casting an almost neon-esque glow. Rae had her studio lights encircled near the centre of the room, a tripod already set up with her Canon camera, wired up to her laptop set up on a table beside the camera. Harry was a little taken back by how professional it all looked.

Rae stood from where she was crouched on the floor fiddling with leads at the sound of Harry’s feet on the polished concrete floor. She smiled up at him as she sunk her hands into the pockets of her baggy black trousers, the loose jumper tucked in at the front. She looked comfy and relaxed, as she always seemed to. It astounded Harry sometimes, that she just seemed to fit no matter the backdrop she found herself in.

‘Hey, I brought you coffee.’ Harry started, handing Rae one of the cardboard cups, full of coffee. Flat white, extra hot, the way Harry knew she liked it ordered.

‘Oh thanks,’ Rae grinned taking the cup from Harry. ‘I brought you - no wait, I didn’t bring you anything, I don’t know why I said that.’ Rae backtracked quickly, creasing her brow at herself and shaking her head. Harry hummed a quiet chuckle of endearment. At the back of his mind though was the message he had, had from her sister the previous night.

‘You ok?’ Harry asked, trying to be blase, even with the message circling around inside his head.

It was on his phone when he’d gone up to bed. It was on his bedside table charging and when he’d crawled in under the duvet, his book on his lap, he’d grabbed it to have a quick scroll before getting stuck into his latest read.

@essieobrien has sent you a private message

Harry frowned at his screen. He and Rae’s sister had been liking photos on each others Instagram feeds since Christmas. Harry had done it first by accident, liking a photo Elsie posted of Rae at the airport. Since then Elsie had gone on to like anything Harry posted and so Harry had returned the favour. He swiped it open, waiting for the message to load, a little impatiently.

Hey sorry to message, hope you’re good? I just know Rae won’t have said anything but basically its Jonah’s anniversary tomorrow and I don’t like the thought of her being on her own, cause that hasn’t happened before haha. Maybe don’t say anything unless she does, I dunno, but thought you should know and maybe you could just keep an eye on her? Xx

Hi, thanks for letting me know. Yeah I’ll definitely make sure she’s ok, don’t worry. Thanks again xx

‘Yeah, are you?’ Rae asked with furrowed, concerned eyes that didn’t match how Harry knew she might be feeling inside, knowing what he knew. Harry wondered if she was ever selfish.

‘I’m fine.’ Harry smiled with a nod before taking a sip from his coffee. ‘What’s the-’

‘Hiya, I’m here, sorry I’m late.’ The, somewhat, shrill, northern voice rang through the hollow building, echoing off the bare walls and cutting Harry’s question short. Harry watched as Rae glanced past his shoulder to where the voice was coming. A shy smile crept onto her face, her eyes flicking back to Harry for barely a second.

‘Hi Lou, how are you?’ Rae moved past Harry, Harry turning to look towards the visitor. It was clear to Harry, she wasn’t a first year student, but she wasn’t much older than them. Her hair was almost silver and her skin golden. She had a grey vest on that could have done with an iron and a pair of baggy, ripped jeans, flip flops on her feet. She looked friendly, a bright beaming smile the only real thing that caught Harry’s eye.

Harry watched on from a distance as Rae and the new girl greeted one another with a hug. Harry hadn’t seen her before, even around and he knew he’d recognise her if he had. Even so, for some reason he didn’t feel particularly nervous, not by his standards anyway.  At the pit of his stomach was something that resembled anxiety, but it wasn’t half as pointed as the anxiety Harry knew, and although it rose its head at the arrival of this new person, it quickly settled back down to being simply down to the day ahead when he saw Rae greet the stranger so happily and easily. There was serenity in her ease.

‘Harry, this is Lou, she’s here for hair and makeup.’ Rae explained with a smile that Harry could tell was nervous and he was sure he knew why.

‘Hi, nice to meet you.’ Harry extended his hand politely as he spoke, looking Lou in the eye as confidently as he could.

‘You too, I’ve heard so much about you from Rae, nice to put a face to the name.’ She grinned, something endearingly warm about her. Harry chuckled and looked to Rae who he could have sworn was blushing. ‘I’ll be with you in a sec, just gotta go to the loo.’ Lou excused herself and trotted away from Harry and Rae.

‘You coulda told me it wasn’t just the two of us, would have picked up another coffee.’ Harry pointed out nodding towards the cup in Rae’s hand that she took a tentative sip from as he spoke.

‘Sorry, I didn’t want you to get nervous before we’d even begun.’ Rae explained cautiously, spinning the cup around in her fingers and trying to look Harry in the eye but he could see she was looking just shy of them, more at his left temple than anything.

‘Don’t do that.’ Harry urged, taking a step forward, closing the unnecessary gap between them.

‘What?’ Rae questioned, with drawn in eyebrows, finally finding Harry’s eyes as her shadow of guilt turned to something like confusion. She knew she should have just told him, she realised that when she saw the way he looked at her as Lou left the room. However, she hadn’t anticipated how guilty she’d feel when he looked at her like she’d done the only thing he hoped she’d never do and walk on eggshells for his benefit.

‘Treat me like a baby bird,’ Harry all but sighed, the eye roll implicit even if it wasn’t actually there. ‘I’m a big boy.’ Harry stressed with a sarcastic smile to try ease any tension that might be there, even though Rae wasn’t feeling any.

‘But you-’

‘No, I can deal with it,’ Harry cut in, snapping slightly and immediately regretting. Harry took a sign, and fought the urge to reach out for her hand, he wasn’t sure if they did that anymore. That hadn’t been any physical connection since New York, and even though Harry missed it he’d never be the one to rekindle it, so until Rae decided to grab his hand or put her arm around him, or even kiss him again, he’d resigned to learning to go without it. ‘Just don’t please?’ Harry begged.

‘Ok, sorry.’ Rae offered genuinely with a lopsided, half smile. Harry just shook his head and chuckled, as if he could even be close to mad at her.

‘So what’s the plan?’ Harry asked, moving the conversation on before either of them could dwell on what had gone before, long enough to overthink it, even though he already knew he probably would be doing exactly that in his bed that night. Rae bobbed her head and turned on her heel towards where her lights and camera were set up, taking a sip of her coffee as she turned. Harry followed her towards the crux of the setup, virtually on her heels as he walked after her. ‘A bathtub?’ Rae chuckled and nodded.

‘Yeah, don’t panic, no nakedness required.’ Rae assured before Harry’s mind could wander. Harry was admittedly relieved with that information and tried not to sign with it. ‘You bought some old jeans right?’ Harry nodded motioning to the satchel still hanging from his shoulder. ‘Good, so if you don’t mind it’ll be shirt off job.’ Rae winced, cocking her head towards Harry as she told him about the idea for the first time.

‘You’re doing it again.’ Harry told her, raising one eyebrow as if warning a child not to touch the expensive ornament again. ‘Not a baby bird.’ He reminded her. Rae just nodded and looked back at the bath tub.

‘Lou’s gonna make you look wet, you’re gonna get in the bath, shirt off and I’m gonna take some photos kay?’ Rae listed, quickly the way she always did. Rae hadn’t done many shoots like the one she had planned with Harry, as in one with a model, but she’d found, with the few she had done, the less the model knew the better the photos came out. It was as if they weren’t trying to play a part they felt she wanted or needed, and therefore they came across as very natural and relaxed in the photos.

‘Kay.’ Harry beamed, causing Rae to chuckle.

‘Harry, you ready?’ It was that jovial, northern voice that drew them from one another. Harry looked up to Lou and nodded at her, wandering away from Rae towards Lou and begging the anxiety in him to remain subdued the way it had done so far. ‘Do you want to take a sit and pop your shirt off.’ Lou instructed motioning at the chair. Harry did as he was told dropping his bag to the floor by his feet, with his t-shirt and spare jeans, trying not to spare a thought to the fact he was half naked in front of someone he didn’t know, and Rae for the first time. Lou had her things set up on a table that looked like something Harry might have normally found in a primary school. Her set up was such a contrast to how professional it all looked as Harry walked in, it served as a reminder they were just uni kids, doing uni work.

‘So Rae, says you’re an art student.’ Lou began, picking up a brush and pushing it through Harry’s hair. Harry nodded not sure what to say at first. His anxiety had a way of convincing him he wasn’t good at social interaction even though when it came down to it, and he got over the hill of it, he coped fine and could maintain good conversation.

‘Yeah, second year.’ Harry told her. At the back of his mind he was telling himself not to focus on the initial few minutes. Harry knew the first moments were the worst for him, and he was learning to ignore them and not think about them, but just get through them to the part where it felt comfortable. For those first minutes he had to just let be what would happen and not let himself get too far into his head.

‘How’s it going?’ She asked, kindly. Harry had to wonder if Rae had warned her he wasn’t great with new people. If she didn’t know she was obviously good at reading people, if she did, she was doing well to be both sympathetic to him, but not appearing to feel sorry for him.

‘Not so bad, more stressful than first year.’ Harry laughed closing his eyes as something was sprayed into his hair. Harry wasn’t sure why Lou was working on him so efficiently. Surely if Rae needed Harry to look wet he could just dip himself under the bath water, but Harry was aware Lou and Rae definitely knew better than him. ‘Are you at uni?’

‘Yeah, third year though.’ Lou explained beginning to work on Harry’s face. He closed his eyes as she did so, tilting his chin to move his face towards the light a bit. ‘And at the make up school.’ Lou added with a little laugh.

The pair continued to chat as Lou finished up with Harry. Harry felt mentally more relaxed, physically he’d been making sure he looked as relaxed as possible from the moment he sat down. Slowly, though, the urge to find his ring or tug on sleeves he wasn’t wearing, dispersed. He found himself laughing naturally with Lou and not using it as a shield to hide anxiety, because it wasn’t there.

Harry was subconsciously aware that that he didn’t normally feel so calm so quickly around new people. For a while he’d been aware he felt different, he didn’t feel so on edge all the time. Although nerves and anxiety was still a battle for him, there were more mornings than normal when he woke and his heart wasn’t already racing inside his chest for no apparent reason. Less Sunday nights were spent chewing his nails until they were raw, not really focusing on his politics show at all.

Before Harry could even get to thinking about what had happened to cause the change, Lou was humming in satisfaction and smiling happily at him, her eyes scanning over his hair and face. He knew that look, he was sure it was how he looked when he finished a page in his sketchbook that he was happy with.

‘We’re done Rae, wanna come check.’ Lou called still admiring her masterpiece. Harry looked over to Rae though, watched her push herself up from where she was crouched on the floor fiddling with wires, and wander over to Lou and himself. Rae stood next to Lou, looking like the antithesis of the blonde haired, slight, woman. A gentle smile crept onto her face as she looked over Harry, and Harry tried not to blush reminding himself it was Lou’s work that was making her smile. ‘Ok?’

‘Yes, it’s perfect, thank you.’ Rae grinned looking to her friend for a second, but quickly looking back to Harry still grinning flicking her eyes over his hair that Lou had made look wet, styling it in such a way that he looked like he’d got out of the bath. She hadn’t done much to his face, but it looked glossy and damp, the sheen visible in the light. Rae caught his eye quickly though, her smile only getting bigger when she did so. ‘Do you wanna go and put those old jeans on, there’s a toilet through there.’ Rae told Harry, still smiling as always, and pointing towards the back of the room.

Harry nodded and walked towards the door Rae had pointed to. As the door of the single toilet closed behind him, he felt nerves erupt inside his stomach. They rose up from the pit of his tummy like flames from embers that had been smouldering away. They’d been there the whole time, simmering, but now he was alone with only his mind and without Rae to focus on, they boiled over and made him feel like he was teetering on the edge of something he should fear.

With hands threatening to shake, he undid the belt of his everyday, black jeans and pushed them down his legs. Harry stood in front of the mirror over the small sink, staring at himself. He was focused so hard on reasoning with himself and rationalising the day ahead, that he didn’t even really notice the small pink petals dotted in his hair. The sink took his weight as he leant on it, gripping at the cold porcelain until his knuckles turned white. He breathed in until his lungs were so full they felt like they might burst through his ribcage, and his throat ached with the need to release the air. He let it through his slightly parted lips, painfully slowly, counting down from ten as he did so.

He was going to be ok. I’m going to be ok. It’s going to be ok. Harry reassured himself silently in his head, staring into his own eyes in the mirror and not flinching away from the confident words repeating in his mind, in his voice.

Harry took one more of the painstakingly even, deep breaths he’d trained himself into doing. When he felt completely out of control of everything, when he was in a situation that put him on edge, it helped him to feel completely in control of his breath and how far he could push his body. What made him feel worse was when he felt people could sense his anxiety and it was making them uncomfortable. Therefore it was important for him, to at worst keep it hidden behind smiles and laughter, but at best to have it so under control it was hard for him to notice let alone someone else looking on.

Once he’d pulled on the old blue jeans that had been stuffed to the back of his underwear drawer, kept for any occasion that might mean he got dirty, Harry left the toilet. Lou and Rae were around the laptop, Rae stood up and Lou sat beside her on the long legged stool. Rae was talking, Lou looking up to her with a twisted neck, looking a little concerned as she nodded at Rae’s words. Harry couldn’t hear a word of what they were saying, but the way they fell silent and quickly looked to him when they heard his footsteps made him think they might have been talking about him.

Without him wanting it, his mind fell to New York and their kiss. He hadn’t told anyone, and suddenly his heart was beating with the fear that she’d just told Lou. Despite their smiles, he couldn’t help but feel under a spotlight he knew only he could see. It made him want to tell Niall, but he knew that was very different to Rae telling Lou, even if she had, and at the back of his mind he knew she probably hadn’t. Rae wasn’t like that. Even so, Harry felt suddenly isolated. Who could he talk to about what was going on inside him when he saw her smile, saw her name flash on his phone or was in her proximity, when his best friend was her best friend?

Harry didn’t let himself dwell, he self-regulated his thoughts they way he so often did, pulling himself in and away from the feelings rolling around inside. He pushed a smile on and reminded himself of the calm feeling he’d managed to find in the bathroom, the bliss of the deep breaths and the relief of letting the air out of his lungs and his own pace. Slowly he talked himself down from the hyper aware state he felt like he was in. The anxiety that was always just around the corner for him, would not ruin this for Rae, and for once he wouldn’t let it ruin it for him either, he was determined of that.

‘Ok?’ Rae asked moving away from the laptop and delving her hands into her pockets again. Harry nodded as he chucked his jeans to the floor where his bag and t-shirt lie next to the makeup chair.  ‘Great, well hop in and we’ll get started.’ Rae instructed with a smile. Harry was acutely aware of Lou’s presence as he stepped into the bath. The water inside was pink and a floral display was floating inside it, the leaves and petals shifting abruptly as Harry moved the water and sunk into it, glad the water was warm. ‘Is that warm enough?’ Rae called from behind him.

‘Yeah it’s good.’ Harry assured, getting himself comfortable.

‘Ok, good, shout if you start to get cold though and we’ll break and warm it back up.’ Harry nodded as Rae reached his side again, camera in hand. Harry was curious about the colour of the water but chose not to ask, instead focusing wholly on on being exactly and whatever Rae needed him to be.

‘Just relax, just going to do a few test shots, completely chill yeah?’ Rae reassured kneeling beside the bath, getting comfortable on her knees whilst she held Harry’s eyes. He nodded again, relaxing, not letting the nerves inside him (whatever was causing them) distract from what Rae was saying or her comforting tone of voice.

Harry was looking down at his legs and was distantly aware of the camera shutter sound in the background as Rae moved around in his peripheral vision. The more times the camera clicked the more the butterflies wound up inside him. Harry saw Rae stand up from how she was crouched, his eyes followed after her, scanning her from behind, not being able to stop himself from swallowing down on nothing as he watched her hips swing. He was fully aware the stirring inside of him was moving on from more than just a crush, but he was more than fully aware sat in the bath then was not the time to think about it.

As Rae stood at the laptop, her fingers flicking against the trackpad, Harry saw the smile lift the corners of her lips. Nervous anticipation had kept him on edge all morning, not knowing how the photo shoot would go played right into his anxiety’s hands. However, as he saw the content smile on Rae’s face, a smile he was getting to know very well, he felt more relaxed than when he’d stood in front of the mirror taking long, deep, even breaths.

‘They look great Harry.’ Rae beamed, looking up from the screen to meet Harry’s gaze the way she so often did. Harry smiled and let his eyes linger on her unashamedly, the way he regularly caught her doing with him, as she walked back towards him.

‘Are your necklaces gonna be ok?’ Rae asked motioning towards the silver chains that were always around his neck.

‘Yeah they’ll be fine don’t worry.’ Harry told her looking back down at the water now she was next to him.

‘Ok, well just in case.’ Rae murmured, picking up the necklaces and twisting them around his neck so they lay across his back. Harry shivered at the soft brush of her fingertips, but Rae was too focused on the pendants to notice. She’d never been close enough to really see them. Of course she’d noticed the cross that never seemed to come off, but now she also saw the lotus flower engraved into the square piece of silver that hung from the longer necklace. Harry rolled his shoulders and the cross fell back over his shoulders but the lotus stayed facing her and Rae tilted her head at it, deciding to leave the jewellery be.

‘If you just put your head forward,’ Rae directed, moving his head gently with her hand. ‘I’m gonna pour some water over you, ok?’ Harry nodded and closed his eyes as he heard a surge of water from behind him and then began to feel water crashing over his head and pouring over him. Harry could hear the camera shutter clicking incessantly, but was sure his eyes closed wasn’t the look Rae was going for. Harry lifted his hands to his eyes, rubbing the water out of them with his long fingers. Rae was stood to the front of him rather than behind, when he looked up mouth slightly agape, for some reason a little breathless.

‘Look at the water,’ Rae smiled, crouching again. ‘Sink down a bit.’ Harry heard the camera click. Suddenly he was feeling on edge but he had no idea why. The camera clicked and butterflies erupted inside him, each time more ferocious than the first. He should have known it couldn’t last long. ‘Relax.’ Rae breathed, reaching out for his arm and gripping his bicep loosely. Harry looked up to catch her eyes and she had that gentle, somewhat homely smile on her face. Rae tilted her head at Harry and everything inside him calmed back down. Rae let go of Harry’s arm and he looked back down at the water. The camera clicked again, but this time no butterflies.

‘I want one of just his eye, but I don’t want that water to get in his eye, can you do something?’ Rae asked turning to Lou, and it made Harry wonder, yet again, how the water was pink.

‘Sure.’ Harry could hear Lou busying herself from behind him, but he didn’t look to her instead looked Rae up and down as she sunk down onto her bum and crossed her legs. Rae, as always, was already looking at him and smiling sweetly up to him. ‘Ok?’ She asked silently and Harry just gave her a reassuring nod and smile, because he was now.

‘Close your eyes for me hun.’ Lou asked kneeling in front of Harry. He did as he was told and felt single droplets fall onto the skin under his eye. ‘Open.’ Harry did so. ‘Ok just relax.’ Harry tried, but winced quickly at the sight of a mascara stick coming towards his eye. Harry heard Rae chuckle and threw her an offended look.

‘Hey, don’t laugh.’ Harry pouted.

‘Just relax Harry, it’s not going in your eye.’ Rae laughed moving closer to him and Lou. It didn’t matter how many times it happened, Harry could never get his head around how she made him feel so on edge with something but simultaneously so easy.

‘I’d hope not.’ Harry exclaimed causing both Lou and Rae to laugh as Lou reached out to hold Harry’s head still so she could brush the clear mascara onto his lashes without him jolting back again.

‘Good?’ Lou asks reclining back a little.

‘Perfect, thanks.’ Lou smiled happily and grabbed her things wandering away as Rae turned her attention back to Harry. ‘Just look right at the lens,’ Harry swallowed and looked straight down the barrel of Rae’s lens. Despite the huge piece of technology between them, Harry was sure he could see her dark brown, hot chocolate on a winter's night, eyes. They made him feel warm even when he couldn’t see them in front of his own eyes, they were fairly well etched into his mind. ‘Blink.’ Rae instructed and as Harry opened his eyes the camera clicked again. ‘One more time, blink again.’ Harry did the same again and so did Rae. She smiled down at her camera and stood up. ‘Ok, just a couple more, put this on.’ Rae chucked Harry a patterned piece of fabric that Harry quickly unfolded.  

‘Where’d you get this?’ Harry asked looking at the black, but red and green floral patterned shirt that fell out of itself as he lifted it up.

‘Charity shop.’ Rae told him waiting patiently for him to put the shirt on.

‘What? I love it.’ Harry’s voice was mumbled as he pulled the top over his head pushing it down into the water around his stomach. Even so Rae laughed, rather than sighed as he covered up the artwork on his body that she could have stared at all day long.

‘You can have it if you want.’ Rae told him, tilting her head and chewing at her bottom lip as she contemplated what was before her. ‘Ok, hm.’ Rae sighed, tilting her head to the other side. ‘What do you think?’

‘About what?’ Harry queried, creasing his forehead at her.

‘What do you think would look cool?’ Rae explained motioning to him sat in the bath clad in a lairy shirt, his hair letting go of water droplets that fell down his face and tickled the back of his neck. Rae hadn’t expected to feel so flustered by him, half naked and soaking wet in front of her camera. It had definitely done the job of taking her mind of what else that day might mean to her.

‘I dunno it’s your shoot.’ Harry pointed out matter of factly, Rae smirking at him and taking steps closer.  

‘You’re meant to be an artist are you not?’ Harry chuckled and shook his head. Looking down at the water, he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and thought what he might do if it was his project. He let his mind wander the way he let it wander when he was thinking of a concept for a new project. Harry didn’t know why, but Millais’ Ophelia came to mind. Slowly he lowered himself into the water, until the back of his head was under it, his ears brushing the surface but slowly submerging.

‘Careful of your eyes.’ Rae warned as Harry twisted his head, but then she saw it and her eyes went wide. ‘Ah ok, this is great stay there.’ Rae all but ran towards the bath and Harry could just about hear her fidgeting around through the water. Next thing he knew Rae was standing in the bath over him, her culottes rolled up nearly to her knees. Rae smiled down at him, a halo of flowers around his head. She lifted the camera to her eye and began taking photos, moving herself around him to get the shot she could see in her mind. ‘That looks awesome, nice.’ Rae beamed as she looked at the screen on the camera and stepped out off the tub. ‘You can sit up now,’ She laughed as she walked away from him, looking back to see Harry still laying in the water. ‘Just stay there a sec.’

Rae did the same as she had done earlier, scrolling on her laptop as the photos uploaded from her camera. The same pleased smile drew onto her face and Harry couldn’t have been happier to see it. He twisted further watching as Rae continued to look over the photos, waiting patiently for her to say something.

‘These look so good Harry.’ Rae glowed, finally looking to him again and putting her camera down. ‘Do you wanna take those wet clothes off?’ Rae suggested, pacing back to him with a towel and empty plastic bag. Harry pushed himself up in the bath, Rae noticing his triceps twitch and wishing she’d never suggested him putting a shirt on as she imagined the rippling muscles in his back. She half got her wish though as he pulled the shirt over his head. Her eyes wandered, without her really even meaning to let them, down his body, his broad chest and shoulders stretching even wider and his tight abdomen making her own flutter.

Rae took the shirt off him and put in the bag, trying with all her might not to blush as he unbuttoned his jeans and stepped out of the bath before pushing them down his legs. They swapped jeans for towel and Harry wrapped the towel around waist as Rae stuffed his jeans into the bag and he wandered to the bathroom, grabbing his dry clothes as he went, missing the wink Lou gave Rae as Rae turned back to her, cheeks scarlet and a little lost for words.

Harry couldn’t wipe the smile of his face as he towelled himself dry and got into his dry clothes. All along he knew it couldn’t really go as bad as his brain was telling him it could, but even so he felt relieved that Rae had been so happy with the photos. For once he didn’t doubt himself either. Rae had told him they looked good, so he was happy and content that they looked good.

Harry didn’t hang around getting himself dressed again. He roughly tousled his hair with the towel to get the majority of the water out, but just left it in a wet, half curly mess as he left the bathroom. When he got out, Rae was packing her things away, no sign of Lou anywhere. Rae turned to the sound of his feet, spinning on her heels and rising to her feet as she did so.

‘I coulda helped you tidy.’ Harry pointed out, tossing the towel over his forearm as he walked towards his bag to sling it on his shoulder.

‘Models don’t help tidy darling.’ Rae mocked, sounding more like Patsy from Ab Fab than Charlene from Neighbours for, what Harry hoped would be, the first and only time.

‘What are you doing this evening?’ Harry asked stopping just short of her, Rae pushing her hands into the pockets of her jeans comfortably.

‘Nothing.’ Rae shrugged, her mouth moving to one side as she looked up at Harry, almost through her thick dark lashes.

‘Home then?’ Harry suggested, and Rae nodded, smiling happily up at Harry.

++

Over the years, Rae had managed to figure out the best way to carry all of her equipment un aided. Even so, it was nice to have Harry’s help getting her things from his car to the house and up the stairs to her room. Harry left her to sort everything out though, putting all her things back in the place she kept them. It didn’t take her long, it was a well perfected dance by that point.

With everything back in its home Rae trotted down the stairs, phone in hand, to find Harry. The house was quiet when they got in. There were no lights on, no sounds, and a lack of shoes to block passing traffic in the hallway. There was rarely a time when no one was in, but Rae found that evening, she quite liked the stillness of the house. It rested easily on her and the invitation to join her other three housemates down the pub was one she could have easily ignored had she not had Harry to mention it to also.

‘Everyone’s down at The Ship, if you fancy it?’ Rae didn’t mean to make it clear that she didn’t fancy it, but Harry could see it written all over her, traipsing down to the pub on the corner of the high street, ten minute walk away, was the last thing she fancied doing. If he was honest, he wasn’t really up for it either. Especially when the other option was some time alone with Rae, something he’d been missing since their change in schedules meant they no longer got Wednesday afternoons alone together.

‘Or we could just have dinner and watch a movie?’ Harry suggested, half tentatively. The part of his brain that made him think the worst, twinged like a twisted muscle with too much pressure on it, making him think how she would laugh in his face at the idea. Not for the first time though, the other part of his brain that was normally just a twinge, but seemed to be becoming stronger now, laughed that pessimism away and reminded Harry that Rae wasn’t like that.

‘That sounds better,’ Rae smiled gratefully. ‘What do you fancy?’ She asked turning to the cupboards and pulling them open to look at what was inside. There wasn’t a lot, the last time they’d done a big shop of sorts was nearly a month ago and supplies were running thin.

‘Why don’t you let me cook for a change?’ Harry countered, pushing the cupboard closed from out of her hands. Rae looked up to him a little hurt, but also a little surprised.

‘No don’t be silly, let me, as a thank you for today considering you won’t take anything else off me.’ Rae pushed rolling her eyes as she remembered how he’d refused money, and a coffee, and food or a drink on the way home.

‘No, I wanted to do today and I want to cook for you, so you put the kettle on, make us a cuppa and sit down, for five minutes, please.’ Harry all but begged, holding the cupboard shut so Rae couldn’t pull it open again no matter how much she tried. She eventually realised Harry was adamant on cooking, so gave an exaggerated sigh, making sure Harry could hear it, before turning to fill the kettle up not giving him another word or another glance and therefore, missing the humoured grin Harry was wearing as he watched her begin to fill the kettle.

As Rae set about making two mugs of tea, Harry began gathering ingredients for one of the only dishes he was confident he could remember exactly. Marmite chicken. Harry’s sister had made it for him one night when his mum was out, on a date, and Harry had thought it had sounded gross, but he was wrong. It was delicious and he knew he had to have the recipe. He’d been cooking it ever since, but hadn’t done in a while after Rae’s arrival and her domination of the kitchen. Not that him or any of the other boys were complaining. There was no denying she could cook and none of them had resorted to pot noodles or buttered toast for all three meals of the day since she’d been living with them.

‘Oh shit, please don’t tell me someone's finished my marmite.’ Harry groaned as he searched the fridge in case some fool had decided that marmite needed refrigerating.

‘Well it wasn’t me, vegemite for life.’ Rae quipped taking a sip of her tea and widening her eyes as she did so. Harry had to suppress a chuckle as he glared at her, one hand on his hip. ‘You can use it instead if you want?’

‘Is it the same?’ Harry queried, clearly not convinced by the alternative option.

‘No it’s vastly superior but it can only make the meal better right?’ Rae jested, tilting her head as she did so. Harry smirked. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t find it endearing how she dipped her neck to one side when she was joking with people, sarcasm dripping from her voice like honey.

‘I dunno about that.’ Harry doubted with one cocked eyebrow.  ‘One way to find out.’ He shrugged in defeat, reaching up for Rae’s cupboard and pulling down the jar of vegemite. It wasn’t the one with her name on it that he’d bought her for Christmas, that was long gone, she was at least three jars down since then. Even so the memory of how ecstatic she’d been with the gift bought a smile to his face.

The room fell silent of their voices as Harry cooked, the only sound the hissing and spitting of the wok as Harry added an array of ingredients. It wasn’t normal for Rae to sit in silence, she always found something to talk about. Harry was aware the quiet was full of all the thoughts in her head that were surely making her mind noisy. As he looked over his shoulder his suspicions were confirmed. Rae was staring down into her mug that was still mostly full, the liquid inside almost definitely stone cold by now. Harry could tell she was chewing on the inside of her cheek, the way she did when she was lost in thought or concentrating on something.

There had always been a part of Harry that wanted those in his life to feel loved and accepted and comfortable. It made him feel better in the same way seeing people uncomfortable at the thought he might be feeling anxious made him feel worse. With Rae the urge was stronger, it always had been. It was what made him arrive far too early at the airport at Christmas, what had made him share his journal with her, what had made him suggest getting her guitar sent over. There was a stirring in the bottom of his stomach, aware by trying to make her comfortable now, he could make her uncomfortable, but he couldn’t say nothing.

‘Ok love?’ Rae looked up quickly to Harry’s question and flashed a fake smile at Harry, nodding just as unconvincingly. Harry shook his head, skirting the table to pull the chair out next to her and sit down. ‘You’re a rubbish liar.’

‘I’m not lying.’ Rae exaggerated with a false chuckle.

‘You are, you’re clearly not ok.’ Harry pointed out. Rae just looked down at the tea she’d taken two sips of, not really sure what to say to Harry.  ‘It is ok to not be a ball of sunshine all the time y’know?’ Harry implored, silently begging her to open up to him, but also knowing better than most not to push too hard.

‘Just hate being negative.’ Rae murmured reaching for the mug, wishing it was still warm when her icy fingers clasped it.

‘You’re not being negative Rae.’ Harry sighed, Rae shrugging, her bottom lip pouting a little. ‘Stop it, you’re fine, you feel sad, you’re a human, you’re allowed.’ Harry stressed finally reaching for her hand, taking it off the mug and holding it tight, frozen cold as always.

‘It’s Jonah’s anniversary.’ Rae admitted quietly. Out of the corner of her eye she looked up to Harry, trying to gauge his reaction. She hated how out of sorts it could make people feel saying something like that, and he hated having no choice but to say it. There was no way she could sit and lie to Harry, not when he could see straight through her. He didn’t recoil though, and his eyes didn’t flicker as his mind raced to find the right words. He just started back at her, the only change his nostrils flaring so slightly if she’d have been any further away she might not have seen. ‘Essie already told you didn’t she?’ Harry just nodded slowly, feeling guilty, like he shouldn’t know.

‘Do you mind?’ Harry questioned, quietly, nervous that she would mind and she’d get mad at him.

‘Not particularly.’ Rae mumbled. She didn’t, not really, although she did a bit. Of course she understood why Essie had done it, but she would have preferred to be the one to tell Harry. Entering her mind then, was the knowledge he’d known all day, but she couldn’t see how he’d treated her any differently, walked on eggshells around her because of it, the way she knew he should have done according to past experiences. And then she didn’t mind at all. Harry never handled her like she was a china doll in spite of anything she ever told him, he couldn’t possibly understand how grateful Rae was for that.

‘Sorry I should have told you I knew.’ Harry fretted as moments of silence passed that felt too long for him.

‘It’s ok, it’s fine.’ Rae reassured with a smile that Harry knew meant she was being genuine.  

‘Will you tell me about him?’ Harry asked before he could stop himself. He didn’t know where it came from or why he said it, but now it was out there he supposed he should continue.  ‘About Jonah, I want to know about him.’ Harry informed her and it wasn’t a lie. Ever since the first time Rae had told Harry about Jonah, all he’d wanted was to hear all about her big brother. It was clear from the way she spoke about him, even if it was minimal, that he was instrumental to the person she’d become and was still turning into, and not just because of what happened to him.

Rae took a deep breath and thought about it for a second. Where to start mainly. She hadn’t spoken about Jonah properly in so long that it almost felt foreign to be doing so again. She hadn’t forgotten about any part of him, but it took a second to find it and bring it through the brambles of her mind that kept the part reserved for him slightly shadowed. When she started though, she found she couldn’t stop. So much of her formative years involved Jonah. He was always there, when she looked back, at every checkpoint and although it made her sad that he wouldn’t be there with his goofy grin and soft amber, brown eyes for the upcoming checkpoints it filled her with a warmth reminiscent of the first summer day to be talking about him again.

‘He had these golden bits in his eyes, me and Essie didn’t get them,’ Rae rolled her eyes as Harry thought how much he loved her pure, espresso coloured eyes, ‘He used to bag on us all the time, saying he was the golden child because of it.’ Rae chuckled and Harry smiled as she clearly filled with joy as more memories came to her mind. ‘Sorry I’m talking too much.’ Rae blushed looking down at her lap.

‘No I like it.’ Harry grinned squeezing the hand he was still holding onto. ‘It’s nice to hear.’

‘You should probably finish dinner though.’ Rae reminded Harry nodding towards the pan that Harry had turned down to a low simmer before he’d begun their conversation.

‘It’s ok, I don’t mind if you want to carry on talking.’ Harry offered, but Rae shook her head.

‘My tummy’s starting to growl at me, so maybe we should eat.’ She jested. Harry chuckled, standing and wandering over to the food.

Harry dished up the food into two bowls, handing one to Rae. They agreed they’d eat on the sofa in front of a movie, Rae’s choice as long as it wasn’t Cars again, Harry bargained because he really couldn’t watch it for a tenth time in two weeks. Rae opted for Ghost, one of her favourites and potentially the only movie of that genre Harry hadn’t seen.

They sat on the sofa, closer than they normally would and finished their dinner to the soundtrack of Unchained Melody, Rae quite happy she could use the excuse of scraping up the last few noodles to be looking away. She didn’t know why she felt hot under the collar as the movie got a little steamy, she was definitely not a prude, but with Harry sat next to her she felt like a teenage girl sitting on the couch with her high school crush after being invited round for tea for the first time. It gave her the same excited butterflies, and made her feel just as light and fuzzy.

Harry took her empty plate from her, placing them on the floor beside the sofa before relaxing back and unashamedly sliding his hips a little closer to Rae. Fuck it Rae thought to herself doing the same and letting her upper body lean into Harry’s. She didn’t feel him freeze or recoil from her, so she leant in further, until her head found a place on his chest, the broad muscles solid underneath her.

It didn’t take long for Harry to give in to his urges too and wrap his arm around her pulling her as close as she could. It didn’t take much longer for him to shift Rae so he could put his legs up and they could lay on the couch together. Rae tucked into him, pushing her back into his front as his arm gripped her securely to prevent her from falling of the sloppy sofa cushions.

The film hadn’t even really started when Rae’s body got slowly more limp by Harry’s. She squirmed in front of him, wiggling against him and groaning sleepily before turning herself over to face Harry. Her eyes were closed as Harry looked down at her, her face completely relaxed as she made her head comfortable on his arm. Harry couldn’t help but sigh contentment and give in to pressing a soft, but long kiss against her forehead. Rae didn’t seem to feel it, she didn’t make a sound or a movement, but with her asleep in his arms, Harry found himself sleeping into an equally blissful state.

++

Harry stirred, slowly. He groaned quietly as consciousness came back to him. Light was pouring into the room and it took him a few seconds, and lots of blinking his vision back, for him to realise he was still on the sofa, Rae still pushed into his body but facing the room rather than him. He could feel it. He could feel her against it, and really he should have known it would happen. Too many mornings he’d woken with the image of her soaking standing on her bed, or with a towel around her in the kitchen doorway, that he should have foreseen it being too much for his body to have her that close and not react.

Rae squirmed against him, her backside rubbing him enough that he had to bite his lips together to keep from groaning as the sensations roared through him. This can’t be happening. He cursed himself and his male urges as he peeled away from Rae. There was no way she could wake to him in this state, that’s if she wasn’t already awake and knew what was happening. Of course she knows. Harry convinced himself before he hopped from the sofa as carefully as he could not wanting to wake Rae.

His bag was by the door, he didn’t know what was in it, he didn’t care. Harry grabbed the bag, pushed his feet into his boots and rushed out of the door. He’d be spending the day at the library whether there was work he could do in his bag or not, he’d find something, let Rae get her laughter at his expense out of his system. She’s not like that Harry. It didn’t matter how much he knew it to be true, he couldn’t face her now.

“Louis I need your help” I say and he looks up, worry filling his eyes. He pauses the game and Liam turns to look at me, clearly confused and slightly scared.

I sighed and sat down on the couch, running a hand through my curls once again.

“She got mad at me. Said I was keeping secrets and all this other crap but I have the right to keep this a secret don’t I?” Louis came and sat next to me, Liam next to Louis.

“I mean to a certain extent, yes but I think she needs to know…” I half laughed.

“What will she think? What will she say?” Louis shifted his gaze over to Liam and Liam looked at Louis confused.

“Just go for it, Harry. You’ve got nothing to lose!” I snorted at his comment.

“Except our friendship” Louis huffed, clearly annoyed I wasn’t following his advice but I didn’t want to risk our friendship.

“Mate, I don’t know what to tell you except go after her. Just go and talk to her and tell her because you can’t keep this bottled up forever. You just can’t.” Liam said and Louis nodded in agreement. I cast my eyes down to the floor and sighed.

“I just don’t want her to hate me for it…” Louis shook his head matter-of-factly.

“She won’t she’s not like that and you know she isn’t. Now go! Before it’s too late!” Louis exclaimed standing up. I sighed and nodded, adrenaline pumping through me.

“Alright I’m gonna tell her!” I exclaimed and Liam smiled patting me on the back.

“Well then go, mate!” But for some reason, my feet stood still at the door. Louis rolled his eyes and opened the door.

“Go!” I turned to him and blew out a puff of air.

“My feet are stuck, I can’t move” Louis clicked his tongue in annoyance and I slightly smiled because sometimes it was fun to get on Louis’ nerves.

He shoved me and I tumbled forward, my feet all of a sudden wanting to move. I catch myself before I fall and salute to Liam and Louis who return the gesture and I start to run out of the dorm house. I turn the corner and I literally can’t think straight because all I’m thinking about is what I’m going to say to Johanna and how I’m going to say it and I find myself tripping over my own feet because my mind is running faster than my legs.

I push open the door and see Johanna sitting, drinking a cup of tea, reading her textbook.

“Johanna!” Flies out of my mouth and I don’t know what I’m even saying and all I can think about is telling her.  Her head snaps up and she has a sour look on her face but it softens when she sees me.

I run over to her and she stands up, confused. I come to a halt and realize my nose it touching hers. She stumbles back, grasping onto the chair from behind. She looks at me, her wide eyes staring into mine.

“Geez Harry you’re scaring me what is-“

“I need to tell you something” I cut in, afraid that if I didn’t do it now, I wouldn’t do it ever.

“O-okay…what is it?” I ran a hand through my hair which seemed to be a habit now a days because it calmed my nerves just a bit. I took a deep breath.  

“IloveyouJohannaandI’velovedyouthedayIseteyesonyou” She looked at me with confused eyes and I sighed.

“Say that again?”

Actions speak louder than words.

Actions speak louder than words.

Before I can even stop myself, I grab Johanna’s waist and waste no time, attaching my lips to hers.