green eyes

Terrified didn’t quite cut it.

All that was running around Molly’s head was Harry’s voice, the words that he never wanted children. Molly stared at the two red lines and bit her jaw tight together. She tried to refuse to have any feelings about it until she’d told Harry. She didn’t want to be happy for him to have negative feelings about, she didn’t want to feel scared for him to be overjoyed. She didn’t want to get anything in her head until she’d told Harry and knew how he felt. 

Of course that didn’t mean she didn’t have an initial gut reaction. Before the terror and fear kicked in, there was a buzz of excitement. But then it all sunk in, and she began to get scared and anxious. Not necessarily because she didn’t want to be pregnant, just that it was a scary though, made scarier by the fact her and Harry had always said they didn’t really want children of their own. Molly had no maternal desires, she always thought herself too selfish, and even though he was doing great as the godfather of Lola, Harry still believed he’d never be able to raise a child of his own. 

And anyway, they had Lola, they looked after at least once a week, and often more than that. Molly would pick Lola up from school, take her for a treat, and then take her home. They’d have her over night and watch movies and eat popcorn and treat her to all the things she wasn’t normally allowed, and let her stay up a little later, and take her to the zoo or the gardens or wherever she wanted to go, and then Shane and Ellie would pick her up and they’d go back to being Molly and Harry.

Molly supposed that was entirely the point. No one took her child away at the end of the day, she didn’t get to drop her child off with someone else when they were ready for bed. It wouldn’t be just her and Harry. It would be her, and Harry, and their baby. It warmed her, but it scared her. 

Of course Molly and Harry had spoken about their future, and their relationship, many times. They’d been together nearly seven years it would be weird if they hadn’t talked about it. It never involved children. It never involved them getting married. Maybe marriage was woven between the promises of forever, but neither of them felt the need to really do anything about it. Molly was secure. Harry was secure. Mostly. Though he still had his moments where he questioned everything and got himself convinced he wasn’t good enough for Molly. They were getting less frequent though, and easier to talk him down from.

Life was going so well. They’d just bought a house. It needed work, but they were both loving putting their spin on it. They both had the stable jobs they wanted. Molly got to work from home three days a week and the bigger of the spare room was slowly turning into a studio for her. That might have to change now, she realised. And she knew she had to talk to Harry. She was getting ahead of herself already, and they didn’t even know what they were doing yet. Harry didn’t even know yet. 

Talking to Harry proved harder than it should have done though. 

At five thirty, normally the rough time he walked through the door, Harry called to say he’d be late. He had to pick something up from Shane’s and the traffic getting through town was insane. Normally Molly wouldn’t even have flinched, it wouldn’t have bothered her at all, but for obvious reasons it did, and Harry obviously picked up on the sudden tension down the line.

“I’m sorry baby, hey I’ll pick up Thai food and a bottle of wine on the way home,” He suggested and Molly felt herself swallowing down something that taste bilous. 

“Don’t worry about the wine, not really in the mood,” Molly lied, before biting down on her bottom lip. “Thai food sounds good though,” She tried to assure. But then she panicked, was she allowed to eat Thai Food, was spice ok, would it hurt the baby, and there was definitely something about fish she knew it. “Can you just get me something with chicken though please?” Molly added quickly, hastily.

“Ok,” Harry chuckled. Molly’s head was spinning, perhaps she was getting ahead of herself again, being overly precautious for something that might not come to be, but if it did, she had to start thinking of more than just herself. No matter how much she really wanted Prawn Pad Thai. “Well I’ll see you in a bit, I love you,” Harry told her and she settled for a second, telling Harry she loved him too before hanging up the phone and trying to ignore the nausea that was yet to fade. Molly wasn’t sure if it was just nerves or if it was some sort of pregnancy thing. 

All day she’d been pretending to be focused on was the new season look books that had come in the mail, but really all she’d been thinking about was Harry, and her, and their unborn baby. Again she skipped over the lookbook to her laptop and google pregnancy and fish. 

“Fucks sake,” Molly hissed, finding out it was raw fish that was to be avoided. For a minute she just stared at the picture of the woman on her screen, the stock photo that seemed to have been on every website she’d been on that day, her stomach swollen, her photoshopped skin glowing, her hair neatly tied back into a sweet little bun. Already Molly knew it wouldn’t look so perfect on her, she just felt it in her bones, she was scared of it, and perhaps pregnancy was like a horse, it would be able to sense her fear and treat her accordingly.

Of course Molly knew how ridiculous that all was. For all she knew she might have the most blissful pregnancy, minimal morning sickness, pain free, a perfect little bump. But at the same time, for all she knew, it might not get that far. It was a conversation they had to have, Molly knew that. It wasn’t a decision Molly could make, either way, alone. She needed Harry, because it was his too, and she need to know what he thought, how he felt, see his initial gut reaction when she told him. 

There was no way Harry would force his opinion on Molly any which way. If he wanted the baby, he wouldn’t make her keep it, if he didn’t want the baby, he wouldn’t make her get rid of it. But she still needed to hear what he had to say, she still needed to see how his face flinched and moved, and what his eyes did when she told him. Deep down Molly knew what she wanted, deep down she knew how she wanted Harry to feel about it, and what she was more scared of than anything else, than an ugly bump, than swollen ankles and horrific pain, was that he would want the other. 

Eventually, he walked through the door and Molly looked up from her laptop were she’d was looking at the same empty page of lookbook notes that she’d opened hours earlier after throwing the test in the bin. 

Molly heard the secondary voice and her tummy tightened. She knew she’d always recognise Shane’s voice for the rest of her life. It was stuck in her head from seven years of wise words and advice. It made her laugh to think she’d been scared of Shane when they first met. Now he was like the big brother she’d never had, but had seemingly always wanted, or at least needed. It was ironic that she would undoubtedly be going to him for advice in a couple of days time, but right now, she wished he wasn’t there. 

“Hey, I’ve got dinner, Shane just wants to grab that contract, where did I put it?” Harry’s greeting and questions came all at once, before he’d even made it to the dining room where Molly was sat. She closed the lid of her laptop and smiled as Harry wandered towards her and kissed her head. 

“In the drawer,” Molly told him waving her hand towards the top drawer of the cabinet against the wall. 

“Hey Mol,” Shane smiled lingering in the doorway, Molly smiled back at him leaning back in her chair. “You ok sweet? You look a bit pale,” Shane pointed out, concern in his tone as he straightened and creased his brown at Molly. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Harry look up from the drawer of paperwork to her, a similar frown on his face. Molly just smiled bigger, ignoring the knot it her stomach and the lump in her throat and the sickness she was feeling.

“I’m fine, been staring at a screen all day is all,” Molly shrugged.

“You eaten?” Harry asked. Molly nodded, but she hadn’t. She’d felt too sick, had no appetite, and to be honest making any kind of food was the last thing on her mind. “Why haven’t you eaten?” Harry asked, as always seeing straight through her.

“Just haven’t, I’ll eat now, you found that contract?” Molly pushed, sliding her chair back, getting up slowly. She didn’t feel dissimilar to how she’d felt in Harry’s bathroom all those years ago, just before she blacked out and he rushed in and made her feel better, and she wondered if he’d ever stop making her feel better. She didn’t want a repeat, that surely couldn’t be good. So she was careful and slow when she got to her feet. 

“There you go mate.” Harry spun and handed shane the stapled together documents for the latest property they were buying to develop together. It made sense, they were practically family, and when Harry’s uncle announced he was taking early retirement, Harry couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather have by his side in business. Sometimes it was tense, mostly it was a breeze. 

“Sweet, I’ll see you tomorrow then, feel better soon Mol,” Shane quipped, Molly just rolling her eyes and flicking Shane her middle finger. She heard him chuckle as she turned for the kitchen and he headed to the front door with Harry. Molly stood at the kitchen side, getting plates had been on her mind, but that was removed by the fact that she now had to tell Harry, there was nothing in the way now. 

“Right.” She heard Harry start, the sound of his feet marching back towards her, Molly turned on her heel to face him. “What’s going on? You haven’t eaten, you look pale as anything, you don’t want wine, are you ok? Don’t just fob it off, I want an-”

“I’m pregnant,” Molly blurted out suddenly, and she held her breath watching it wash over Harry. His nostrils twitched and it took a second for anything else to happen. She saw the corner of his mouth lift but fall again quickly, and they his eyes started too look wetter.

“You serious?” He asked quietly. Molly nodded. A tear leaked out of his eye, he didn’t flick it away. Molly bit the inside of her cheek. “You’re sure?” Molly nodded again. Harry laughed, a sticky, wet laugh, but his smile was undeniable and Molly felt something like relief. “You gonna have my baby?” Harry asked stepping forward, and Molly nodded again, smiling herself. “Holly fuck, you’re gonna have my baby, we’re gonna have a baby, shit,” Harry laughed, stepping foward and pulling Molly tight to him. “You do want this yeah?” Harry asked quickly, mumbling into her hair. “Cause I know we said it wasn’t for us, and I thought that was true, but now you’ve said this, and I think I really do want it, if you do too though?” Harry explained and Molly marvelled and how much that resonated. She’d never wanted kids, until she looked at the two lines on that white plastic stick, and suddenly that was exactly she wanted. A baby, a baby that was her and Harry’s, and theirs forever. It was different for everyone, and perhaps anyone else would be freaking out, but for and Harry, suddenly it made perfect sense, so that was ok. 

“I do too,” Molly told him, pulling back and smiling up at him. “We’re gonna have a baby,” Molly whispered, almost giggling with giddy glee. Harry chuckled.

“We’re gonna have a baby,” Harry affirmed. He kissed her then, firm and gentle all at once. The ocean and the boat upon it, keeping her safe. The way it had always been. The way it seemed it always would be. Harry let go, and slipped down onto his knees. “Hey baby,” Harry whispered, kissing Molly’s tummy. “I’m your daddy, I can’t wait to meet you, me and mummy are gonna love you so much,” He kissed Molly’s tummy again, breathing her in before he got back up to his feet. Molly had never felt herself smile like it. Everything shifted suddenly, jolted into place, but it all seemed to make so much more sense than it had before, like the world was on the right axis. Perfect now.