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“hey this is ilya i will never listen to your voicemail” he is so endearing to me

do you think shane "this is my fucking nightmare" hollander did actually have nightmares about discovered? they would always start as soft, wet dreams where he could be with ilya (despite being miles apart, in different cities for different matches, months to go before they'd get to hook up again), and his fantasizing mind would linger on each touch, each press of tongue, each moment their bodies, he would wiggle in his sleep as rozanov goesdown on him - only for someone (his mother, his coach, hayden, it changes everytime), someone barging in the middle of it. finding him red-handed. suddenly the dream would turn around, and every time he'd have to hide ilya behind him, tumbling into excuses, into you weren't supposed to see this and this isn't what you think and be confronted with the intruders' disapproving stares- we're so disappointed in you shane - until his body would tense up and his heartbeat would pick up too much and he'd be startled awake, looking around, making sure he's alone. fingers pushing on his eyes, still half-unaware, tears prickling behind his eyelids, every ounce of desire turned into shame, devouring his insides. even in his dreams shane can't let go - can't be with ilya fully without the fear of being found out. the eyes, the people, they're always there, they're always haunting him. there's a pit in his stomach (always there, always haunting him too, the never ending anxiety of hiding), and he can't fall back asleep.