I have this headcanon that [SPOILERS FROM THE LONG GAME] after Shane and Ilya get outed and the media frenzy winds down, they end up doing several low stake interviews to get the general population to like them as a pair. And so at one point they end up doing the "reading mean tweets trend" together (the idea was for them to defend each other) and one directed at Shane reads:
"Can you imagine being the reason that Ilya Russian-Greatest-Love-Machine Rozanov spends the rest of his life having boring missionary style sex? Shane Hollander, if you really love him, let him go"
And everyone can see Ilya trying to understand the tweet for a second before he freezes, his breathing becoming unsteady while he interrupts Shane (stammering through a media trained response) to say:
"you... You think that Shane... You think he..."- before completely collapsing into absolute laughter. The kind of laughter that kind of hurts, that has you wheezing and trying to find your breath, that gets tears in your eyes and turns your face red from lack of oxygen. His voice and laughter get high-pitched, and he has to steady himself on his husband cause he almost falls from his chair.
The man is completely undone while Shane smacks his leg to "shut up, shut up!", all the while trying and failling to finish the sentence, cause he can't believe anyone on this planet could think of Shane as anything less as a sexually-deviant-kinky motherfucker who would rather die than do something less than soft BDSM.
Every time he starts to calm down, he looks at the camera and starts laughing again. They have to stop recording for 15 minutes, and in the following part of the interview everyone can see the red eyes from the tears of laughter, and the cuts in the video from where he couldn't control himself and started laughing again.
The day after it's released, Ilya's unhinged laughter becomes a response meme for when people say something stupid.
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Shane is not team mom and conversely Ilya is not team dad. They’re very clearly the gay uncles who have control of the planning and vibes of the situation, consummate meddlers of the highest degree. No parental energy towards the team. However ✋👉 Bood, guy with the grill and the energy of someone holding a child leash, and Wyatt, with a solid presence and a niche hobby nobody else cares about. Those are mom and dad.
Yuna Hollander has waited her whole life to spoil whoever Shane brings home and when it's a person who is involved in her special interest AND has no family she goes absolutely FERAL
Ilya's sick with the flu, he's feverish and his nose is so stuffy and he's coughing like crazy but, more concerningly, he and Shane haven't had sex for three days. It's the longest they've gone while both being in the same house and, sure, Ilya doesn't really feel up for it, what with the way every breath is a concentrated effort that comes with the risk of hacking up a lung, but it's really weighing on him. His poor Shane, who so loves being filled, hasn't gotten cock in so long purely because Ilya's immune system betrayed him. So he's lying on the bed, barely able to keep his eyes open, Shane trying to feed him soup and in between bites Ilya's saying things like "you could ride me," and "it might take a little more work to get me hard but I'm sure I could do it," and "I promise not to kiss you if you're worried about getting sick," his words all affected by how stuffed up his nose is. Shane just rolls his eyes, like, "wow, Ilya, that's so selfless of you," and Ilya's nodding, all serious, saying his illness shouldn't stop Shane from taking what he needs and Shane's like, "as tempting as that offer is maybe just focus on getting better so that you can fuck me properly, okay?"
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First time Shane and Ilya take a plane after #that incident you would think Ilya might be nervous, but no its Shane who is pulling Ilya in tight because the fear from that experience is still living in his bones. He needs to keep Ilya close to him and Ilya who loves cuddles from Shane isn't complaining one bit.
Hellooooo! I saw a post saying you'd do Heated Rivalry x male reader and I had an idea that I thought could be funny.
Basically male reader enjoys AFFECTIONATLEY biting shane and ilya. Idk I think it could be funny for the two to be struggling to cover up the bite marks cause male reader keeps biting them like a puppy with a chew toy.
idk if you'll use this idea but thank you!
Shane Hollander & Illya rozanov x affectionate male reader
you wake up squished between them like always, the condo quiet except for ilya’s loud breathing and shane’s steady little sighs. your face is buried in shane’s neck and god the itch hits you immediately. you nuzzle in, teeth grazing soft skin, and bite down all gentle and happy like he’s your favorite chew toy.
shane’s breath catches, hand sliding up to grip your wrist. “you little shit,” he mumbles, voice all sleepy and toronto-soft, but he tilts his head anyway so you can get a better angle. you bite again, a little higher, and he laughs under his breath. “we have media today. you know that, right?”
ilya stirs on your other side, arm flopping heavy over your waist. one blue eye cracks open and he grins that cocky bastard grin. “already chewing on hollander? save some for me, puppy.” you turn and latch onto the thick muscle of his shoulder instead, teeth pressing just enough to leave a pretty pink mark. ilya hisses then laughs loud, fingers in your hair holding you there. “fuck yes. harder. i wear these like medals.”
-----
you three stay tangled for way too long, lazy kisses and quiet giggles filling the sheets. they call you their puppy for a reason—you can’t help it. every time one of them stretches or yawns you’re right there nipping at collarbones and wrists like it’s your job.
shane finally sits up and pokes at the fresh bites on his own chest, shaking his head with that tiny exasperated smile he saves just for you two. “these are gonna show under the jersey, you know.” ilya stretches like a cat, showing off the trail you left down his ribs on purpose. “good. let the reporters ask. i’ll tell them i got attacked by a very affectionate shark.”
you bite ilya’s forearm when he reaches for his phone and he yelps, dramatic as hell, then yanks you in for a messy kiss that has shane rolling his eyes but smiling anyway.
-----
bathroom cover-up time is basically a comedy show now.
shane’s at the mirror first, shirtless and squinting, dabbing concealer on like he’s performing surgery. “this one’s too dark,” he mutters, tilting his head every way. “and this one’s right where my collar sits. great.” his eyes meet yours in the reflection and go all soft though. “still love you. still gonna kill you later.”
ilya crowds in next to him, poking the big bite on his shoulder with zero shame. “look at this one! looks like you tried to eat me, malysh. press is gonna think i have a secret girlfriend. or two.” he winks at you then steals the concealer and just smears it on sloppy, half the mark still peeking out. “there. invisible. mostly. you owe us breakfast for all this work, puppy.”
you lean in the doorway just watching them fuss, chest stupidly warm because they let you do this every damn day.
-----
morning skate is peak chaos.
shane keeps tugging his practice jersey collar up in the locker room, shooting you a look when one bite still peeks out under the lights. “one more and i’m actually banning you from the bed,” he says dry, but his mouth twitches like he’s fighting a grin. the rookies think it’s from a stick. only you three know the truth.
ilya, being ilya, makes it a whole game. he yanks his own collar down when no one’s looking and flashes the edge of a bite right at you across the room. “see? still here. you missed a spot last night—fix it after practice.” some guy glances over confused. ilya just laughs loud enough to cover everything and slings an arm around shane like nothing’s weird.
you sit on the bench biting your lip so you don’t grin too hard, already planning round two the second you’re home.
-----
back at the condo that night the second the door shuts you’re on ilya like a heat-seeking missile, tackling him onto the couch and nipping up his throat while he fake-complains in russian. shane watches from the kitchen, plating takeout and shaking his head. “you two are ridiculous,” he calls, but he’s already rolling up his sleeve, offering his wrist when you glance over with that look.
you bite him there all soft and adoring, then move to his jaw. shane sighs, the sound turning fond halfway. “we’re never hiding all these if you keep going, babe.”
ilya pulls you both down into a pile on the couch, voice warm against your hair. “good. let the marks stay. they remind everyone who we belong to.” his fingers trace the faint lines on shane’s skin, then yours, the three of you fitting together like always—shane’s calm, ilya’s chaos, and your puppy teeth right in the middle.
you bite one last time just because you can. they both laugh and wrap tighter around you, the world outside the condo can fuck off for a while. your boys, your chew toys, your everything.
