#hpoa

Earlier today, I went to update the info on my YouTube channel — on which I'd *thought* I didn't have any videos — when I came across a private video from a little over 4 years ago, back when I was still a member of Hot Pieces of Ace. Before I make it public, I need somewhere to publish the transcript, since the description section can only hold so many characters, alas. So here it is:

Nearly all of my best friends over the years have been members of the opposite sex or the opposite gender to the one I appear to be. Although I very much wanted to fit in with other women I've never felt like I did. They haven't by and large been willing to accept me with all my social awkwardnesses.

My male friends, on the other hand, have been much more willing to accept me, clumsiness and all. And they tend to be more willing to *talk*, so I don't have to try to “draw them out” — something at which I'm not very good and I often come across is being nosey rather than caring.

My experience is that most people feel I'm a guy despite the way I look. I've always been able to be accepted as “one of the guys” with certain men, whereas I've rarely ever felt accepted as “one of the girls”. Despite having a female body and I enjoyed presenting as feminine because it's fun, I don't ever feel like I fit in with women. I just don't seem to be accepted as a woman by, really, either gender. (I'm going to talk more about that in a future video when I discuss my gender identity, which is a bit complicated.) Uh, suffice it to say at this point, that I'm neutrois.

I enjoy dressing up one way or the other but most of the time I tend to dress up as feminine and I always have since I was a kid.

Now, when I was growing up, I, I did worry about whether my guy friends with stay friends with me if they ever got a girlfriend. One of my first good friends while I was in high school was a boy I'd met in my chemistry class who actually had a girlfriend, though I didn't learn about this till much later in our friendship. I didn't so much mind him having someone else but given that he wasn't gay I felt rather dissed that he hadn't chosen *me*! On the other hand I didn't want to have sex and he did so, it wouldn't have worked out.

I've thought about the fact that maybe he didn't choose me because when we were hanging out — as I said I just felt like one of the guys — my gender really wasn't an issue and more importantly, I wasn't a sexual object to him, so [laughs] actually I got what a lot of women want: he liked me for my brains. And he liked me enough not to stop being friends with me despite the fact that he had a girlfriend.

Another fellow — my very best friend during high school (uh, although I met him through my father who taught at a different school) — he turned out to be gay. And it was awesome, since I never had to worry about this particular issue and I never had to worry about any of his potential dates feeling that I was in any way a rival.

In college I made a couple more good friends that were guys. Again no female friends. I didn't have — I had *barely* had a couple of female friends in high school but we did state friends for very long. But in college, really you know, again no female friends, till one of my men friends got married, and at that point we really couldn't hang out with — with each other anymore because it would have alarmed his wife or messed up their relationship in some way. I was perceived as a threat which was an unusual thing. So we drifted apart.

But the other guy, he and I are still good friends. Right after college I met this other fellow who's also disabled. He and I, we talk on the phone. In fact we rarely ever see each other's person because neither of us can drive a car. So we talk on the phone a lot. We — we play Civilization online together and other things like that. We've had deep philosophical conversations and it's been wonderful. And in fact I've had the same with uh, with most of my men friends.

Now that I'm much older, I'm finally beginning to make some women friends, although it's usually in a group situation uh, uh, like a knitting circle or a Bible study and not so much one-on-one, although there is one friendship that's beginning to, to develop from my synagogue, that I really do value. The woman is 20 years older than I am so, its not a peer kind of “best friends forever” sort of thing, but it is — it's one where we both respect each other and we can get along pretty well as equals. And that's a very nice thing.

But yeah I've never had the “best friends forever” kind if traditional girlfriend, and that's very disappointing to me; I've always felt, as a result of not being able to connect with women, as if I'm somehow a failure as a person. In the Ace community it's completely different. Like I mean, totally! Like there have been women who have been much more willing to be friends with me. Uh, of course there's plenty of the typical women who aren't that interested in being friends with me like outside at the Ace community. But within the Ace community, uh, as I said, there are — well it's more likely I will hook up with and become friends with women. To this day I still find it much easier to make friends with men than with women.