#honestaf

I sometimes find myself having conversations with people in my mind- conversations i wish i could have. Right now, i just had one with my dad. It was about how mom always talks about how MUCH he loves her despite this or that, and how “such-and-such doesn’t matter because daddy *as in, my dad* loves me just the way I am!” in the words of my mother. But what just came to me is how I rarely hear these words of ultimate gratitude from my father’s end. I’ve heard many men express their complete incompetence in certain areas if not for their wives’ help- because their wives are intelligent, wise, strong, able, loving, and kind, pushing them further, not just filling their empty areas. Fact: my mom loves my dad "in despite" as well, it's just not thought of in that way. I don’t really think I’ve seen my dad champion my mom in ways she needs to be. She’s so insecure about so many things, she doesn’t even try anymore. And this frustrates my dad but he never makes her feel able enough. He pokes at the ways she does things, and it makes my blood boil. Not to say he’s been abusive in any way. I just don’t think he’s always been as helpful as he could/should be. I wish his eyes would be opened to what empowerment looks like, so he could feed potential. He expresses that he loves her, and he’ll point out the things she’s very obviously good at (being around children, singing, making certain things), but this only keeps her in her comfort zone. Anyway, my point is, I’ve only ever viewed myself in the same way my dad does my mom. I’ve been so scared to break away from the minimal amount of things I’ve been good at, and any pokes at what I do not-so-right only walls me up further. I’ve come to a place where I have thought it to be an honor to be loved by ANY man, should someone take on so heavy a quest, such a burden as that of myself. Wow. What a shit mentality to have for oneself. To not even know one’s worth beyond the observation or opinion of another, that the idea of someone loving you, choosing you, is too much to ask for. So, when the time comes for someone to take interest- serious interest, it’s like you might as well show them what a mess you are right off the bat, so they can know what they’d be loving, all in despite of the mess you are. This would be noble of them, and that is key. But not if on the other end, I, she, he, whomever would feel as such a weight to the partner, that they’d given up trying from the start. I think Bill Johnson once said that scared people always put their worst foot forward. How true this is. And how absolutely wide and far from it I want to be. I want to be confident, and know my worth before inviting someone to love me. Currently, I don’t really know if that’s a healthy mentality, because then I may feel as if I’ll never “be ready” or prepared for love, due to days of doubt and insecurity. But I want so very badly to get to that place of freedom. I want that so very badly for myself, for my someday children, my legacy. How I’ll get there in practical terms, I’m not quite sure. Holy Spirit? Yes. Because on my own I know I’ll fail daily. But, somehow, sometime, I believe I will get there. And I’ll love another. And I will be loved. And the honor will be on both sides. The choosing will be on both sides. Because that’s what love in covenant is. It’s mutual.