I want to open a wine store and call it Forever31

It’s long past time for Spotify to have a feature where you can tell it you have young kids and want the algorithms to filter out what is obviously theirs. As lovely as she is, I do not actually do not want Idina Menzel to sing 90% of my curated music. In fact her beautiful voice is already on repeat inside my head 24/7 and I’ve turned to Spotify to cleanse my brain of it. “Does she listen to Idina Menzel nonstop and can’t get enough or does she listen to Elsa on repeat and can’t take much more” it should ask itself. “Does she love Justin Timberlake that much or is he just Branch from the Trolls soundtracks?”

One need only spend a few hours thoughtfully observing a baby on the cusp of language to realize that what a typical human being wants, more than anything in the world, is just to be understood.

The thing they don’t warn you about having two daughters, as a Millennial, is how many times a day you involuntarily sing the hook from the “Sister, Sister” theme song outloud

Preschool is like: Monday is water day! Don’t forget to send them in a bathing suit with sunscreen already on and an extra change of clothes! Tuesday is bike day! Bring a whole ass bike and helmet! Wednesday is family photo wall day. You have plenty of printed out family photos laying around right LOL, so just bring them. Can you imagine how unloved your kid will feel if they’re not on the wall?! Thursday is backwards day! Don’t forget to enter the facility walking backwards and sign your name backwards! Friday, as always, is Bring Your Own Exotic Animal Day! Let’s have a great week together! We charge you more than college tuition for this! 😍😍🥰🥰😘😘

Funny how the #1 indication of a mass shooter seems to be that EVERYONE WHO KNOWS THEM THOUGHT THEY MIGHT DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS gosh if only there were like a way to do something about that like some sort of check on their background or I dunno

“Here’s a list of colors YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LIKE, some very cranky and now dead people who none of us ever met sat down and agreed on them a few decades ago YOU MUST ABIDE BY THIS” oh ok yes how very [gender] “norm” indeed, the rest of us are surely the real weirdos here.