#holdingitin

Today, or rather tonight—at 12:30 AM on October 13, 2024—I find myself typing this at my desk, finally having fixed my computer after what has felt like an incredibly long month. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions and stress, with most of my time spent confined to my workspace and bedroom. The only breaks in the routine were weekend supply runs, which used to be monthly but recently became weekly. As I teeter on the edge of frustration, once again on the verge of breaking down, I look at my newborn baby girl.

Her smile—always there to greet me, always full of laughter when she wakes up—keeps me grounded. And then there’s my wife, peacefully sleeping next to her. My wife, who has been my rock. While society expects me, the man, to keep it all together, it's her who has truly held me down. She listens to my rants, supports me without hesitation, and provides the foundation that I’ve needed in these turbulent times.

The struggles I’m facing now feel far more significant than anything I’ve dealt with before. Silent treatments from family, unexpected expenses, and overblown budgets have taken a toll. My problems from before seem trivial now, and though I’m rattled, I refuse to be fazed. My wife has been the pillar of strength I needed, even when I felt it was supposed to be my responsibility as the breadwinner.

Lately, I’ve distanced myself from my extended family, not my wife and daughter but everyone else. I’m tired of my father’s relentless attempts to manipulate me—whether it’s lies about car expenses or duping me into paying bills, leaving me and my wife with barely enough for ourselves. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he gave away the family car I wanted to buy to an indirect relative, despite knowing I was saving up for it. His constant jabs, comparing my salary to my sister’s—who’s a doctor abroad—infuriate me. Here I am, paying for food and bills when no one else was around. I never expected a thank you, but some acknowledgment would have been nice.

Instead, I’m left fending off his criticisms about my car, which I bought secondhand. He says it’s stolen, junk, leaking—anything to bring me down. But I refuse to cave in. I know I’ve earned every cent of what I have, and I’m proud of the fact that I can provide for my family. It's a humble life, but it’s mine. I know things may get harder from here. Life has a way of piling on, but I also know I need to stay strong—for my wife, for my daughter, and for my own peace of mind.

I’m lucky to have a good employer, but the weight of family stress constantly tugs at my professional mindset. Every day feels like a battle between personal chaos and work responsibilities. But I am a father now, and that reality reshapes everything. I have to do better. I have to last longer in my job. And I have to carve out a better environment for the people who matter the most: my small but beautiful family.

We’ve all heard the advice: "If a relationship is toxic, just leave." But anyone who's ever been in a tough spot knows it’s never that simple. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a family bond, or a job you’ve poured your heart into, sometimes you stay not because you don’t know your worth, but because you care deeply about the people involved. You hold on, hoping things will get better, knowing full well it’s taking a toll on you.

So, why do we stay?

Holding it Together: The Power of Patience

For some people, it’s all about patience. They take everything in—every negative comment, every frustrating argument, every unreasonable demand—and somehow keep going. Not because they’re weak, but because they don’t want to hurt the other person. They put everyone else’s needs before their own, suppressing their feelings and pretending everything is fine, all while knowing deep down that it’s not.

This kind of emotional endurance requires an incredible amount of self-control. It’s not easy to bite your tongue when you’re hurting. It’s not easy to smile when you feel broken inside. But people who stay in toxic situations often do this because they hope that, with time, things will change. They believe in the best of others, sometimes to their own detriment.

Caring Too Much: When Empathy Becomes a Burden

If you’re someone who feels deeply, you probably know what this is like. You care so much about the people in your life that it’s almost painful. You feel their emotions as if they were your own, and because of that, you stick around—even when things get tough. Even when it’s toxic.

You’re the one who absorbs the negativity, the one who tries to keep everything together. You don’t want to burden others with your feelings because you’re too busy worrying about theirs. And while it might look like you’re fine on the outside, there’s a storm building up inside. You suppress your own needs, waiting for the moment you can finally let it all out—usually in a private breakdown, far away from anyone who might notice.

The Sacrifice of Self: Loving Others More Than Yourself

In toxic situations, some people fall into a role of always being the caretaker, the one who keeps things from falling apart. You’re the fixer, the peacekeeper, the one who holds everything together. And while you know you deserve better, you stay because you’re so emotionally invested. You love the people around you, and the thought of leaving them behind feels like a betrayal, even if it means betraying yourself in the process.

It’s a strange kind of sacrifice. You know deep down that you’re hurting, but you convince yourself that it’s worth it because you care about these people. You know your worth, but you stay, hoping things will get better, holding onto the idea that the relationship or situation you’re in can change.

The Breaking Point: When Holding It All In Becomes Too Much

Of course, this patience, empathy, and self-sacrifice can only go on for so long. Eventually, the weight of it all becomes too much to bear. Maybe it’s a small thing that finally pushes you over the edge—a tiny argument, a minor disappointment—but it’s enough to make all those bottled-up emotions come rushing to the surface. Suddenly, you’re crying, or shouting, or just completely shutting down because you can’t take it anymore.

And in that moment, you realize how much of yourself you’ve given away. How long you’ve been holding everything in, just to keep the peace. It’s not that you don’t value yourself—you do. You just love and care for others so much that you’ve been willing to sacrifice your own happiness in the process.

A Silent Strength: Self-Control and Protecting Others

What’s important to remember is that this endurance—this ability to take it all in and keep going—requires a tremendous amount of strength. It’s not easy to stay silent when you’re hurting. It’s not easy to stay patient when everything around you is falling apart. You do it because you care, because you love, because you believe in the potential of the people around you.

But while this strength is admirable, it’s also important to recognize when it’s time to stop. You can’t keep pouring from an empty cup. Eventually, you’ll need to take care of yourself, too. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you care enough about yourself to make sure you’re okay, too.

Finding Balance: Caring for Yourself While Loving Others

The truth is, you can love others and still put yourself first. You can be patient, compassionate, and empathetic without sacrificing your own well-being. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential.

"What do you call someone who is stuck in a toxic situation—whether it’s a family relationship, romantic relationship, or a job—where the environment and people are harmful? This person tends to hold everything inside but may eventually break down after a day or two due to the emotional exhaustion. Although they know their worth, they care deeply about the people or the relationship, so they endure it, keeping their feelings to themselves despite the toxicity."

The psychological concept you are describing involves a combination of emotional suppression, caretaking tendencies, and internal resilience. People in such situations often prioritize the needs of others at their own expense, yet retain a strong sense of self-worth. They might continue to endure toxic environments because of their deep emotional investment in the relationship or situation, even when they are fully aware of its negative impact.

There isn’t one single term that encapsulates this experience perfectly, but several concepts from psychology can help explain this type of behavior:

Emotional Suppression: This refers to holding in or suppressing feelings of frustration, sadness, or anger to avoid conflict or protect others, eventually leading to emotional burnout or breakdown.

Empathic Overload: Highly empathetic individuals may care deeply about the well-being of others and tend to absorb negative energy, even in toxic environments. Their compassion for others can make them stay in situations that harm them.

Codependency: This occurs when someone places their self-worth or happiness in the hands of others, often at the cost of their own needs. While they may recognize their value, they still sacrifice their well-being for others.

Caretaker Burnout: Individuals in toxic situations may act as the caretaker or “fixer,” trying to maintain relationships or work environments. Over time, this can lead to emotional exhaustion and breakdowns.

As hard as it may be to realize things you just have to see it on how it is .. Thinking things would somehow be different because they actually heard you out this time but seems it all went in one ear & just out the other. Starting to get treated like a shadow all over again, even as a friend.. Some things are still left un-settled that broke me in the past & yet it’s not my place to do anything (in which as I see it, I have all the right to if I wanted) ..

My feelings are just not being met .. not being cared for .. I thought you understood me but I guess it was all just a show, a front to make me think that you would change certain things but sadly it wasn’t the case.. I lost a friend along the way .. but somehow it seems like I lost two … I’m keeping all this inside of me because why even talk about it if I’m really just nothing to you ? I react the way I do at times cause of the pain it caused me in the past , but you don’t seem to see that .. everything is how you see it in “your own world” & I’m sorry but that’s not right .. you can’t always see the world how you want it when it comes to someone you supposly love & care about telling you why certain things are hurting them .. You have to try to come to an understanding ..

I don’t know what to think or feel anymore .. Apart of me is alright but the other half is just completely dead , I didn’t expect any of this & especially what I’m struggling with to be how it is now when I came back , I wish I never came back , I wish I lost all contact with the world & just stayed where I was .. but this is unfortunately life .. We can’t always get what we want .. I just wish someone can actually be a friend .. actually love me , keep me out of the shadows for once cause I don’t deserve to be hidden away .. it’s not fair .. you let strangers in .. someone you barely even knew & showed her off .. but me .. 5 years of knowing me .. & I still get nothing .. it bothers me .. it hurts me .. it breaks me even more ..