A Flame in the Blue Room
“The last time I felt safe? I can't remember...
I was scared when they approached me, but they spoke my mother tongue. I was scared when I left my country, I'd never lived outside my mother's house. I was scared when I arrived, walking with my suitcase under this city's endless neon signs. Then I stopped being scared But I never felt safe.
I stopped being scared when I called home that 9th time, saying everything was fine - when it wasn't, that I'd be back soon - when I didn't know. I stopped being scared when the dread of tomorrow began to outshadow the strain of yesterday. I stopped being scared when I realized hope was a privilege that didn't belong to those like me.
And so life continued this way, for many years.
Then fear snaked its way back into my heart. I felt fear when they cuffed my wrists, speaking so quickly my mind spun in my ears. I felt fear when I saw that those I've come to love weren't strong enough to be leaned on. I felt fear when I understood that of everything I'd lost and might still lose, the greatest was myself.
Sometime later, I found myself in a blue room I met you then. You looked as fierce as I pretended to be: your light reminded me that caring deeply is itself a sort of joy. Do you remember? And you seemed as young as I felt inside: your radiance reminded me that trust should never carry a cost. Do you remember?
Truth be told, I didn't feel safe then either I didn't feel safe when you smiled at me, I'd long learned not all smiles meant kindly. Nor when you said it was up to me, nothing had truly ever been in my hands. Not even when you listened to what I had to say, silence had become my refuge. But one morning, when I wasn't sure what the next hour would bring, I found myself humming an old song. And one evening, when I wasn't sure where I'd be when the sun next rose, I found myself set up in a bed and asked nothing of in return.
And so life continued this way, for many months.
Until one day… On the street, a girl tapped my shoulder, and my heart didn't drop. At the store, a man asked me to repeat myself, and I held his gaze. And in the blue room, you told me I'm 'free' now - but I've got choices to make - and none would be easy.
I watched you watch me quietly then, in the way only someone who's sat through dozens of such moments would know to do. Do you remember that day? That was the day my spirit stopped flinching. My spirit finally stopped flinching.
Yes, some nights I yearn for that surefooted me who 'believed' without reservation, but I'm grateful for the wisdom these lessons have brought. And yes, some nights I long to rewind the clock and save myself from having wandered alone so long, but I'm reassured knowing the gentle flame of dignity burns within me. So yes, these days, I'm still afraid, but not so often.”
