#hitpause

The day of what they said is the "final" jury, was also the day I ended my work binge.

I finally hit pause. On the always playing record of aggressive tension, The twisting of the tightly wound spring of self-imposed, constant pressure, The unstoppable thoughts, ideas and worries all mingled in a slimy knot, one that I had tried to un-do for five and a half weeks at a stretch. I finally hit pause.

 I took a deep breath and forced my mind to slow down. Sitting in the front seat of a friend’s car aimlessly driving around the winding little lanes of Markham, Weaving in and out of the shade of magnificent trees; some Red Oak, some Maple, some White Ash. Here, I slowed the pace of every process inside me.

And as I did this, everything outside slowed down as well.

The birds floated across the small patch of sky framed by buildings on either side. I watched them glide to the groove of the music. To the slow rhythm of the setting sun. I set my own breaths to this count. My heart settling to a steady beat in sync with the sway-dance of the branches on the trees.

"What's love telling me to do right now?"

These are moments of perfect beauty. Of  vision and realization.

How easily we forget the song of the universe, the one playing inside. How easily we allow the volume of the outside to rise. How easily we lose count and take off on a whim, Misplace our center of gravity and fall only to realize a sinking feeling.

Then I snapped out of my thought rant and put that on pause too.

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"

Senior year is passing by more quickly than I can process. I'm in a bittersweet stage where I'm ready to leave the party-oriented environment of college, to venture out into the real world and once again experience the "new-ness" of the next stage of growing up, but not quite ready to leave the predictable academic bubble I've excelled in the past 17 years.

All I want to do is just hit pause for a moment and appreciate the wonderful friends I've made and the absolute awesome-ness that is college. But I keep getting distracted by the all the possibilities and adventures to be had post-graduation. And of course worrying about the fact that I still haven't quite figured out my life passion. #existentialcrisisalert