#hetile

Is this what life is though? Constantly loving yourself a little? And hating yourself a little?

I guess its balance? I guess its self-centeredness? Does my life need to revolve around someone else so I can forget this?

Seriously though, what is this?

Most evenings I sit outside by a little stream that runs through the estate and watch everything. There is a rich bird life in our area, so at the right time you get to see these flocks take off and go wherever they go.

A flock just flew right over my head, and because I don’t have my headphones on, I got to hear the sound if their flight. Its pretty powerful. I love seeing the birds, there’s…

You, who has never made a mistake in your life. I’m talking to you, look at me please. I want to see what the eyes of the faultless look like. Do they dart back and forth trying to look for an escape from the shame? Do they hold back tears, like a dam wall, damned to split as the rains come torrenting? Do they burn red with envy and anger from looking at others? What do your eyes look like? You,…

Conversations we should have had 2/2015: One where I lose my shit and throw my shoes out a window (cause I don’t like criticism or being told I’m wrong, or being told anything about myself actually)

So I’m kneeling on the floor throwing, pulling shoes out my cupboard and throwing them out the window. My beloved walks in holding a pink stiletto Him: Why did this fall on my head? Me: I don’t want it anymore. Him: Yeah but why does this have to become a safety hazard. Me: Oh I’m sorry, is cleaning out my cupboard an inconvenience for you? Him: It is when I almost lose an eye to a pink Stilleto…

What’s authentic?

Somewhere between introversion and shyness lies me. The amount of energy it takes for me to engage in normal conversation often leaves me wondering when I can go home and crawl into my bed. At times I crave a good chat but it never lives up to what I imagined. Okay maybe never is unfair, perhaps half the time the interactions I have are meaningless and if you add messaging to the mix, you end up…

If you don’t put too much lotion on your hands, you could hang off the branch of a tree for at least 5 minutes without falling and if you climb trees a lot you could probably hang on much longer because the skin on your hands will eventually get very rough. My sister has very soft hands, whenever I hold her hand I just want to take it and put it in my mouth, it’s so soft. Her hands are like…

Its always been clear to me that doing anything for any sort of reward makes me not want to do said thing anymore. It could be deep-seated beliefs of not deserving or some self-righteous part of me that associates lack or not wanting (to put it better) with some sort of goodness. Being good is important to me, justice, fairness and being a caring human being are important to me but I sort of find…