#herwastedfigments

To you, self, who have plans which aren’t accordingly done the way you wanted,

Stop. Stop chasing time. Stop following the crowd. Stop thinking that you’ll never achieve your goals anymore just because you’re already struggling with the first step. Stop listening to your past demons. Stop the pessimism. Stop everything that goes left.

Stop. Sto. St. S. St---

Start. Start making plans again. Start planting positivity within you so that the life in you will come out naturally. Start thinking that there’s a season for everything and that your journey is different from others, way way way different, take note of that. Start cheering yourself up. Start looking forward to the upcoming obstacles. Start being excited. Start taking step out of your comfort zone. Start being the flowers that blooms inspite of the adversities. Start your journey by reminding yourself that good things come to those who wait. Start taking the leap of faith. Start the right way.

First, I still have tons of lesson plans, narrative reports, and student-teacher stuff to do but here I am, pouring out my unspoken words in this wasted blog of mine. Hello, self. How are you? It’s second month of your greatest year and here you are, feeling lost and trapped in something unknown. You’re even too fazed and confused to name the stage you are standing right now.

I. Don’t. Know.

You before I was a man living his senseless life Then I gave you the true meaning of what life is Your purpose, your reason to wake up, Your bamboo tree amidst the storm, Your reason to smile when your heart is in pain

You before I was a lost sheep Chasing around mementos; seeking for love Then I, your shepherd, came to life And the lost sheep cease to exist He was found and I put him back on track Heading the path towards home, my home, our home

You before I was a wasted being of things Made of conformity and harsh reality Then you opened my world and words run down Questions arise and for every moment of doubt, I sigh Every verse is a bullet and your heart is the target For your life is too short to be innocent of The surreal endless unreal kind of reality Perpetual, perennial, ever-lasting – Heaven

You before I was a damaged cause Of heartbreaks, rejection, and loneliness I, holding your hand for far too long You, not holding back to me at all Losing hope that you’ll never see, I nearly cried for you suddenly seized You before I may always be alone But you after I will never be on your own

You before and after I was a beautiful soul Unnoticed by most, but not by me at all Things I made were not for obscurity and profundity But for the overflowing love I have with me With all of your flaws and imperfections, Strengths and weaknesses, Scars and unerased history, Thoughtless and impulsive actions, Forgiven sins and series of short-comings

I made you I love you I saved you And in a thousand lifetimes, I’d find and choose you

Your journey has just began. You just took your first step closer to your biggest phobia: REALITY.

Now, I want you to stand in front of a mirror. Take a look at yourself. Move closer. Seek. Memorize every part of yourself, from the standing strand of your hair down to your smallest colorless toenail. Now, stare at your beautiful brown eyes. Look deeper until you can see your eyes unfolding each of your imperfection. Self-centeredness. Pride. Overthinking. Pessimism. Shift your eyesight on your lips. Recollect all your unspoken words. Imagine if you ever took the chance to say all the words you didn’t say. Can you envision the suppose-to-be outcome?  Do you think it brought you any good to stop yourself from saying something you have been craving to leak out? Are you satisfied on how things ended up because of your coward musings? Don’t. Don’t answer the questions verbally. Because you know the answers even before those questions were asked.

With all of your lamentation and regrets, I want you to look away from the mirror.  Start looking at different angle. Watch every thing that surrounds you. From the silhouette of the trees to the façade of sky-scraping buildings to the indistinct-shaped clouds to gradient sky.  Appreciate every little thing that you have had taken for granted because of your shallow self-made issues. Resuscitate yourself before it’s too late. Change your matter of perspective. Even before you see it coming, your reflection will be starting to transform into vivid and picturesque image.

You know that you’re better than that. You’re better than that shitty reflection in the mirror you are facing right now. You’re better than the girl who did nothing but to hold back just because she’s afraid of pouring her self out to someone whom she didn’t think would love her in any way she didn’t love herself.  . You’re better than the girl who keeps on thinking that she will never be enough because she’s just her and that no one wouldn’t stood up with her shit. You’re better than the girl who’s trying hard not to pour out how regretful she is for all the words she didn’t say. You’re better than the girl who have been hurt once and making herself like a fool by believing that no one would ever love her again the way he did. You’re better than the girl who would chose her pride over friendship. You’re better than the girl who thinks no one but only herself.

You’re better than her, than yourself.

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The first quarter of my 2014 doesn’t seem to be so good. There were so many “issues” I haven’t left before the start of the year. Things I thought I have get rid of, but I didn’t. Screw this phobia in confrontations. I’d rather let a problem passed by without talking about it, than to resolve it. I know how stupid that sounds. But I’m working on it. I realized that I shouldn’t always look for an escape route. You have to face the problem instead of running just because you don’t want to deal with it. That’s my first quarter is all about. Rebuilding friendships. 

No matter how far the distance you’ve already walked away from your friends, you’ll always find yourself going back. Friends don’t give up on each other. That’s what I’ve learned because that's what they indirectly taught me. They stuck up with me and my stubbornness. And that just when I thought my 18th birthday will be wasted as hell, they made it one of the best days of my life. I love you, second quarter of 2014 :)

Third quarter of the year includes the month of July, August, and September. This quarter would be so dull without the Rez Toledo meet-and-greet, reading books disregarding the fact that I have 730am classes, getting updates in MIBF and different Booksigning events :) I read a lot of books this year. And this quarter is where I’m alive and kicking, reading books!

Last quarter of the year is the happiest quarter of my 2014. I became so active in Community Outreach Learning Center as a Volunteer Teacher. I appreciated and loved the profession of teaching as a student. I also attended one of the best birthdays I’ve attended in the year, Danielle’s birthday. Nothing beats the joy of talking and laughing with your crazy high school friends at 2 to 6 in the morning. I also started hanging out with my friends, appreciating the fact that I have them in my life. And most specially, the highlight of my year: I have met our Lord. I started to embrace his unconditional love, and acknowledged myself as his child. I just hope that I’ll be closer to him in this new year.

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