I had never transmitted it to anyone before in the past 6 years. I always disclosed to my partners and kept them safe. I’ve had a lot of unprotected sex with my past partners. We all know the longer we have herpes the less severe with time. My strain was always mild. I have a pretty good immune system and I’m really physically active.  I usually don’t give my body a chance to out break. The minuet I feel it’s active I take the pills. There’s been a few times I couldn’t get the meds in time this past year but the out breaks were tiny and went away by themselves in 3-4 days.

I had a new partner, we were friends beforehand so the lines got blurred. Things were were spontaneous and going well. They knew I was a carrier before and I disclosed to them again. I ended up transmitting it to them. I made a miscalculation on my part. Everything fell apart after. I feel like shit for hurting someone I care about. I didn’t wanna be like my transmitter who denies everything. Even though we’re not seeing each other anymore, I buckled down to see him through this and be his support. I’m the only one that he talks to about it with. His first outbreak was very different from mine. In terms of severity, length of time and appearance. I told him to go see a doctor over and over again, but I was refilling my script for him. He finally went after a month.

He never got his first out break under control. He freaks out on my regularly about how it’s ruined his life. How he feels dirty all the time. How he can’t date anymore. He is convinced that you can never have children and if you do they will have HSV. He said he’ll end up infecting his all of his future partners. Tells me he wants to cryogenically freeze himself. Regularly suicidal. Thinks it’s spreading to his whole body. He thinks this is now life - on a forever outbreak and it’s never going to go away. Convinced he’s shedding the virus 24/7 for the rest of his life.

My Doctor has always been a great source of information for me but she work out of a Harm Reduction clinic where they have a lot more information available to them. His Doctors have given him EXTREME misinformation and he won’t stop googling it and reading so much of the misinformation online. I spend my nights scouring the internet for articles and useful true information. He won’t believe me on anything I say. It’s crushing me watching a close friend mentally deteriorate in front of me and it’s all my fault.

I feel like all the healing and progress I have made is vanishing. I’m starting to feel dirty again. I’ve seen other people since him. It’s making it hard for me to connect with my new partner (I haven’t told him because I don’t wanna rub it in that I am still dating). It gets to me when he gets irrational and emotional. I can’t get through or talk any sense into him. We’ve spent a month and a half apart for space for this whole situation. I’ve suggested that he talks to other people with HSV besides me because I gave it to him. Subconsciously I think he has a lot of anger towards me even though he says he doesn’t. He hasn’t though. He came back and I said I got him I’ll be here as a friend. It hurts to be here I am trying my absolute best. I end up getting suicidal after I think what’s the point and it doesn’t get better. I’m scared I’ll do this to more people. I feel powerless.