#hemprobe

Being with Win was hard. Not because Win did not treat him well, but because he loved him too much. Being loved by Win was..amazing. The best feeling Team has ever felt in his entire life. No one has ever loved him as much as Win did. Not even his family. Team did not know what love is, until he met Win. But..to be honest..he was not even sure if he knew it by now. Win made him feel loved, but Team did not understand why he loved him. He definitely knew why he loved Win. How could you not love him? He was handsome, even sexy, funny, nice, smart, caring..everything Team wasn't and it made him insecure. Does he love Win as much as Win loved him? And why did Win love him in the first place? He definitely knew why he loved Win. But Win could have anyone he wants. Choosing Team was definitely the wrong decision.

Team couldn't take it anymore. Every night he dreamed about their future. He dreamed of a 30-something-year old Win, who complained about their relationship. "Why did I choose to be with you back then?! I could have been married by now. I could have been a father if it wasn't for YOU! YOU are keeping me from fulfilling my dreams! Just because of YOUR damn anxiety I have no children. YOU know I always wanted a big family! But because of YOU.. I gave up this dream of mine! Just because of YOU...I do this job I don't like! Just because of YOU..to finance YOUR swimming career! Have you ever thought about MY plans for the future?! Have you ever thought about MY dreams?! I can't take this any longer. You make me sick. I am sick of YOU..I am sick of US!"

Team should know, that Win would never say such things to him, but it does not mean, that this is not exactly what he is thinking when he looks at him. He decided to end things. He did not want Win to be stuck in a life with him..when he clearly deserves better.

"Hia..Let's end things..once and for all," he told Win, while the older male was sitting on his computer. Win was looking at Team like he did not understand what the boy just said. "What did you just say?" he asked confused. Team did not dare to look at him. "I don't..I don't want to be with you anymore" Team answered..almost like a whisper. Win did not believe what he just heard. "Team..what..what do you mean.."You..you don't want to be with me anymore? I..I thought..I thought you love me" Team could hear the desperate sound in Win's voice. It was a sound he has never heard before in his voice and he did not like it at all..he hated it. "I don't love you enough...to be with you" Team answered, still facing away from the older. He was not able to look at Win. If he would..he would immediately burst into tears. But he could not effort to get weak. Not when he was the one ending things between them. "At this point..I am not even sure if I ever loved you. I think..I just liked the way you were treating me. Paying for my food, helping me with my studies..But I don't think you can call this actual love." Team lied. Of course, he loves Win. He loves him more than anything else in this world. But because he loves him so much..he needs to let him go. He needs to set him free..to be happy. 'I am sorry Hia. Please forgive me. I mean nothing I said. I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. But I can't be the reason for your unhappiness.' Team thought in his head, while he said all those words to Win. Words he did not mean. He did not chase Team..because he asked him to and Win was too nice to disrespect his wish. The day Win went to England was the worst day in Team's life. Even worse than the day they broke up. He had not talked to him since the break-up. Team hoped that with Win being gone, he would be able to forget him. Win has started his new life..without him. Soon he will find new friends..maybe a new love. Someone who is worth Win's love. Someone who deserves his love. Someone better than him. Soon Team won't be anything more than a lost memory from Win's past. And that was exactly what he wanted. He wanted Win to start all over again. He wanted Win to forget about him, because that was his only chance to be happy again. Team on the other hand was sure that he won't ever be happy. Not with Win gone. Not with Win hating him.

Team had broken Win's heart by breaking up with him. Dean told him how devastated Win was after the break-up. He visited him the same night..and cried in his arms..the whole night. He even slept in his bed, because he could not sleep in the same dorm as Team did.

But sleeping problems were not the only problems Win had to face since Team left. At Dean and Pharm's engagement party, Win got so drunk, he couldn't even walk straight. Dean could smell the scent of alcohol on him. His eyes were glazed over and his cheeks red. Pruk and some other schwimm team members had to carry him home, even before midnight. When the vice-president of the swim club woke up the next morning, he felt like shit. His body hurt and he immediately had to run to the bathroom to throw up.

"What the HELL is wrong with you, WIN?" he heard Dean's voice from behind. "What are you doing here?" Win asked, while he turned to Dean, who was standing behind him. "You the hell do you think brought you home last night? Man, I have never seen you this drunk. Do you remember anything from last night?" Dean asked his best friend. Win groaned, which took Dean as a no and rolled his eyes. "You got drunk immediately and started whining about Team. How he broke your heart. You even cried." Win started blushing out of embarrassment. "Look, I get it. Team broke up with you.. but that is no reason to let yourself get..totally smashed! I know how you feel.." "The HELL you do!!" the blonde started screaming at his best friend. "You have NO IDEA how I am feeling! Don't act like you do! Don't act like you care! Because I know you DON'T. All you care about is your little Pharm!

Dean was shocked. Win has never shouted at him before. "Win.." he tried to talk to him in a gentle voice, while trying to put his hand on his best friend's shoulder. "Don't touch me!" Win shouted again. Tears were now floating down his face. "I don't wanna hear it! I don't wanna hear that I should let him go! I don't wanna hear that I should go on! Because I can't! And I don't want to go on! I LOVED him Dean. I loved him so much and he left me! He left me. Do you know what his reason was?! He said he did not love me anymore and he is not sure if he had ever loved me! But do you know what the stupidest thing is? I should hate him..because he left! I should hate him because he told me he may never really loved me! But I can't. I can't hate him! I love him. Even after everything he said to me. Even after he broke my heart and left! I still love him more than anything in this world. More than swimming, more than my life. I still put him over anything else in my life. I would rather suffer for the rest of my life WITHOUT him..before I risk him being unhappy WITH ME."