#hellthcare

My headcanons on these two boyfriends

Satan Ceterosexual (look it up if you don’t know) He/Him

Yogirt Gay Boyflux They/Zir

This is literally them:

(What?! No of course I didn't spend 4 days obsessing over what chairs the Sins would sit in like it was some kind of weird horoscope that I almost forgot to actually write this chapter! That would be CRAZY!!

Anyway: https://www.tumblr.com/chimerasmoon/791663006954242048/so-i-spent-days-obsessing-over-what-kind-of-chairs)

Chapter Eight:

“I still don’t get why ya didn’t let those cunts hang themselves with their own rope Luce?” Mammon asked in between eating a bucket of chicken from his giant overstuffed chair. Both heads of Leviathan grimaced at the sight. Levy’s scales looked more grey than lilac and Athens’ eel-like snout scrunched up in disgust.

“I mean-” he stopped to take another bite. “Wouldn’t it’ve been better to just let em break the contract? It’ve been all Adam’s fuckin fault then.”

Lucifer sighed and squeezed his claws into the giant duck plush that he had dubbed Mr.Duck as hard as he could without breaking the soft fabric. But before he could explain, Satan pressed the spade of his tail against his left knee for a quick moment from where he was sitting over in his recliner, then his Head General spoke for him.

“Well Mammy,” he said slowly like he was talking to an idiot. “Let’s look at it this way. Who do you think Heaven would believe first? Lucifer when he tells them Adam willfully broke the contract, or Adam sayin’ that Charlie tricked him into breakin’ the contract?”

Sitting on the arm of the recliner Yogirt gave Satan a thumbs up for his calm response.

(It was cute how Satan kept bringing Yogirt to their family events recently. This was his first crush! The little hybrid seemed to be oblivious to the Sin’s feelings though. He still seemed to think he was here for work.)

Lucifer watched as Mammon’s eyes glowed and his teeth bared. While Mam might like to act like an idiot most of the time, he wasn’t one.

(But then again even an idiot could see who Heaven, who Sera would believe. And it wasn’t him.)

(It was never him.)

“And,” Lucifer said, making all five heads turn his way. “If- when Charlie gets a sinner to redeem themselves, she wants them to be welcomed into Heaven. That’s already going to be hard enough without letting them screw themselves over. Besides, this is Adam we’re talking about. That hardheaded jackass hates being told no, consequences be damned. He’ll try something again soon.”

Before Mam could shout whatever cuss words he had definitely been about to shout, a portal opened letting Tex and Fizz walk through. Fizz waved at them as he ran to clam his and Ozzie’s hot pink chaise while yelling “Dibs!” 

Like anyone else was going to take it! But it did make Lucifer smile. The whole Morningstar Palace had gotten a makeover after he and the Sins had made up. The Family Wing especially. Bel said it would be good for him to not be surrounded by the past. That it could make him sink back into his old ways. So the Sins, Charlie and Vaggie had helped him redecorate.

While the main part of the palace looked mostly the same, if only with less pictures and objects of Lilith’s, most of which were either put up safely for him and Charlie to look through when they felt more stable or in the Hall of Hell’s History. The same could not be said about the Family Wing. Before it had been a cozy if refined style, suiting both his and Lilith’s tastes. Whereas now it was a hodgepodge of furniture. Styles mixing together in ways they definitely were not meant too at all. All of them just picked things they liked and shoved them in. It was awful.

He loved it.

“Hey guys!” Tex waved cheerfully as he moved off to the side then turned back to the still opened portal. “Okay, the way clear Bee!”

To which they all immediately heard the buzz of Bee’s wings and soon enough she was flying backwards through the portal holding up Bel’s top half with Ozzie and Bel’s lower half not far behind.

He snickers as they dumped Bel-Bel on her daybed. It didn’t even wake her! Not that he actually expected it to. Bee stretched out her arms with a loud groan then pounced onto her bright blue and pink paisley beanbag to join Tex who was quick to snuggle her as Ozzie looked around.

“Charlie not here yet?” he asked as he sat by Fizz.

“Not yet.” Lucifer answered. “She wants to make sure everyone at the Hotel will be fine by themselves for the next few hours. She’ll be here soon though.”

Thinking about the Hotel was a little bittersweet.

Or at least thinking about the way he left was. It was all he could think about the past week in between work. At first he had been angry. Pissed really. How dare they even insinuate that he didn’t care about Charlie! How dare Alastor try and act like he knew anything about him! Judge him! Both as a father and as a person, demon, whatever!

But once the anger faded?

Well… they weren’t really wrong were they? Maybe not now, but before, he hadn’t exactly been dad of the year. Had barely had it in him to call his own daughter a few times a month, never mind visit her. If it hadn’t been for Vaggie breaking down his door, he might still be in his workroom surrounded by ducks ignoring everything and everyone outside of it. It hurt, but it was the truth.

A year of being a good dad didn’t make up for all the years he was a bad one.

(But it was a start.)

The more he thought about the sinners’ reactions he had a realization. They care for her. For Charlie. And yes, that might have been obvious for Angel Dust, even when he clammed he was only staying there because it was free, even when he made fun of Charlie’s dream and insulted Vaggie 24/7, in the first few months as the only resident of the former Happy Hotel Angel had kept an eye on ‘Lueur’ whenever he was around. Watching him like he was waiting for the ‘imp’ to try something. Like he was ready to attack if ‘Lueur’ tried something with either girl.

That had been what made Lucifer want to give the spider a chance. Because he could finally see what Charlie saw. The good in the sinner’s soul. Angel Dust was a protector through and through, and no matter what he said, he liked spending time with the girls. He cared about them.

And that was all Lucifer needed. This was just more proof of what he already knew.

But Husk and Alastor? They had no reason to care. And a few months ago, they wouldn’t have! Husk was only there because Alastor was forcing him to be and if Alastor ever left, he would leave with him. It didn’t make sense for the bitter sphinx to let himself care about anyone at the Hazbin. Yet it was clear that he did care! He felt protective of Charlie and Angel at least. Lucifer would have to see him interact with the others more to know how far that care and protectiveness went.

And Alastor? The big bad Radio Demon? If this meeting had come up a few months ago he would have been laughing in Charlie’s face about her having to schedule a meeting with her father, not getting angry about it! For Hell’s sake, a few months ago he used to laugh in ‘Lueur’s’ face for being overworked! Now he was upset about it? It didn’t make sense!

...Unless he cared about them?

(Lucifer had spent whatever small free time he had after the thought to go over every last interaction he had with the Overlord and had decided that yes, in his own weird way, Alastor cared for them. Saw them as friends. And maybe that was why Husk let himself care? If his boss cared about the demons at the Hazbin, then it was safe for him to care about them too?)

And to be honest, as much as their opinion of him hurt, Vaggie had thought much worse things about him before they met and now they got along great!

Plus~! He can just imagine the faces they’ll make once they realize who he was! He hasn’t pulled a prank this big in years! Lucifer excitedly remembers the days long before the first Extermination. But not long after all the Rings were created.

When he used to be able to just know when someone said his name. It had been his favorite prank. To just… appear when anyone spoke his name. Not right away! No no. He’d wait a minute. Watching them with one of his many eyes. Let them think they were safe and then... bam! There he was! Right behind them!

It had gotten so bad that all the hellborn had stopped saying his name at all out loud, out of fear of him showing up to scare them half to death.

(“Don’t say the King’s name in vain! He can hear you!”)

They started using the other Sins names when they cursed. Mostly Satan’s as he had been Lucifer’s right hand. His Head General. His first follower. They had once been so inseparable that the humans kept mixing them up in that silly book of theirs.

Those days were gone now.

(“You think you can just call us here out of nowhere?! That you can just Summon us as you please?!” he snarled. “You left us! You left ME! Without a word for 180 years! We followed you into this Hell with honor, with unwavering loyalty! Then when things got a little ‘hard’ because Lilith left you, you didn’t trust us to help! You hid yourself away! Just like Him! You abandoned us! Just like Him!”)

But… as the spade of Satan’s tail nudges his knee again Lucifer closes his eyes and smiles, hugging Mr.Duck closer to him. Maybe they could be that way again.

One day.

For now he looks over at the dragon who was watching him with a wary look on his face.

“What's going through that head of yours Luce?” He asked, his soft yellow eyelights flicking over to the still sleeping Belphegor. A silent ask if he needs her help.

Lucifer’s smile grew wider at the quiet kindness. Maybe they were closer to the old days than he thought? He shook his head and let his smile turn into a mischievous grin, making Satan glare at him in suspicion.

“Oh nothing much~!” he sang. “Just thinking of the prank I’m planning for the Hotel’s busboy.”

Satan stared at him for a moment longer, then sat back with a snort. “Poor bastard. Should I send him a fruit basket in condolences?”

Lucifer cackles as he imagines the confusion on Alastor’s face if he ever received such a gift. It was beautiful. He was almost tempted to agree, but that would give away the game. He wanted this reveal to be perfect! So instead he shook his head.

“No.” he chirps, momentarily enjoying the way his egg chair sways at the motion. “Besides, I think Alastor would prefer a meat plate to a fruit basket. The freaky cannibal.”

Bee’s long ears twitched at the word. She turned away from the conversation she had been having with Leviathan to look at him with excitement. Tail wagging with joy.

“Cannibal? One of my sinners?!”

The King gave her a sad smile. “Sorry Buzzy-Bee. But I’m pretty sure his biggest sins are Pride and Envy, with Wrath not far behind.”

Bee’s ears flopped down and she leaned back into Tex’s chest with a pout. Leviathan on the other hand glowed with pleasure. Levy cheerfully sipped her wine as Athens smiled smugly at the vixen.

“Oh really Lucifer?” Athens asked after taking a puff of her cigarette. “One of our sinner’s, an Overlord at that, was one of the first to help dear Charlie with her Hotel? How lovely.”

Levy giggled. “I’m sure he’s doing a fantastic job! Can’t wait to ask Charlie all about him!”

Bee snatched Mammon’s drink, ignoring the offended “HEY!!”, and flipped the sea serpent off as she took a sip. This only made the two snicker.

“Just you wait.” Bee grumbles in fake annoyance, a new smile already peeking through. “Sooner or later, one of my sinners are going to join Charlie and they’re going to be so much more helpful than your busboy! My people know how to party.”

Lucifer snorted at the three. “Why wait for Charlie to get here? You could just ask me?”

“No.” Athens immediately shot down. Levy nodded and explained. “You’re just not biased enough. We want to hear about him in his full glory!”

“So you want a lie.” Fizz chimed in cheerfully.

The laughter that followed finally managed to wake up Belphegor. The llama demon sat up slowly with a long yawn. The five eyes on her face were half opened as she looked around, the five on her neck remained closed.

“Ch~arlie’s not here yet?” she asked sleepily.

“Ya just missed her.” Satan joked. “She just left. Shame.”

She glared at him then looked down at Yogirt. “Schedule him for a full physical this week.”

The little hybrid nodded seriously. “Yes my Queen.”

Satan looked down at his therapist with betrayal making everyone else burst into laughter again. Once everyone calmed down Lucifer pulled out his phone to see if Charlie had texted him yet. She had!

“She says she’s leaving now and will be here in a few minutes."

Ozzie looked over with pity. “Is she still having trouble with portals?”

He sighed and nodded. “She can get one started. Can open it to the size of a grapefruit before it dissolves into nothing. And the few she does manage to make bigger- stop laughing Fizz- the ones she can open wider, I wouldn’t even try to shove a cherub threw! That’s how unstable they are.”

“Hmm.” Ozzie tapped a claw on the arm of the chaise. “Maybe I could make her a crystal? I know her limo has one in it, but it’s not a bad idea for both her and Vaggie to have their own personal one in case of emergencies. It might also help her get a feel of how portals work.”

“That’s… not a bad idea.” Lucifer agrees. “But you’ll have to make them look somewhat like my portals. It’s what the sinners are used to seeing.”

“A little boring,” Ozzie says, ignoring his King’s gasp of displeasure. “But I can make it work. Are you okay bringing them over or should I send someone else to do it?”

Before Lucifer could agree Fizzarolli was up, stretching his arms out and waving them around. “Oh! Oh! Me, me, me! Let me do it!”

This got a worried look on Ozzie’s face. “Are you sure Fizzie Frog? You know the Pentagram can be… chaotic. More so than Greed.”

They all ignored Mammon indignant scoff.

“Under any other circumstance, you’d be right babe.” Fizz agrees without hesitation. “But it’s not like I’ll be walking through the whole Pentagram. I’ll just portal to the Hotel. And it’s not like I’ll be going alone. By the time you're finished with those crystals, it’ll be time for In-Law lunch. So I can grab Tex on the way to pick up Vaggs and Lulu. Simple.”

“I’m fine with that.” Vortex piped in. 

“Plus,” he said, looking at Lucifer a bit nervously. “I was kinda hoping to invite someone? I mean, he’s my friend- he was kinda like a brother once, but not really?- it’s complicated. Anyway, he’s an imp and he just started dating- well okay they were ‘just fucking’ before but they’re actually dating now, um, he’s dating Goetia and he’s kinda nervous about it, so I thought it be good for him to have lunch with us? If that’s okay? You’ve met him before! At that trial about Stolas’ book.”

Lucifer tried to think back to that trial. He had barely been paying attention to it at the time. Half bored from Albert’s shitty lies, half worried out of his mind for Charlie but he did remember three imps being there… and Stolas had been making sad puppy eyes at the one with the big horns…

“Oh.” he exclaimed with a snap of his fingers. “The one I gave all the brochures too! Uh- what was his name? Blizz?”

“Blitz!” Fizz corrected with a happy wag of his tail. 

“Oh! We know him!.” Bee cheered. “He’s a real wildcard, but he was a lot of fun at one of my smaller parties.”

Tex nodded. “Blitz is a cool dude. A bit over protective, but cool.”

Mam scoffed again. “Yeah, well I’ve met him too, and I think the little cunt’s a real bogan.”

“Don’t listen to Mammon.” Ozzie sneers. “He’s still mad that Blitz called him out on his bullshit to his face the same night Fizzie quit.”

“Huh, I think I like him already!” Lucifer chirps.

Mammon rolled his eyes at the laughs before he snarked “Look, ya want to spend time with some yobbo be my guest.”

“I mean, we already spent time with you, how different can it be?” Athens retorts, blowing a ring of smoke at the clown. She ignored the offended “Hey!”s that came from both Mam and Levy.

The King shook his head at them before turning back to Fizzarolli.

“I don’t mind you bringing your friend Fizz. He sounds like fun.”

Lucifer watched as the imp’s face lit up in excitement. Ozzie, along with his ram and bull heads, smiled at him and nodded in thanks. So he had clearly made the right decision. Maybe he could ask Blitz if he needs more brochures yet?

Lucifer was knocked out of his pondering as the door to the family lounge was opened by a lanky shark/skeleton hybrid named Hook. He bowed as he let in Charlie and Vaggie.

“The Princess and her partner are here, your Majesties.”

“Thank you Hook!” Lucifer cheered as the other rushed over to coo over his daughter and her girlfriend.

Hook smiled and bowed once more before leaving. Lucifer pretended not to see the thumbs up Mammon gave the butler. Guess Hook got Greed some points. Maybe twenty-five? Twenty-six? Looks like they were no longer in last place. Bee will be pissed once she realizes. Oh well! Not his problem. Lucifer joined the others and listened to them gush over the girls and ask some questions about the Hotel for a bit, before reminding them why they were here.

“Alright, okay.” The King interrupted before anyone else could ask anymore questions. “We’re here for a reason people! To help Charlie with her speech for Heaven, remember?”

He shooed them all back to their sets and gave Charlie a sweet smile. “Go ahead Duckie. You have the floor.”

As soon as he sat back down with Mr.Duck both girls stood up straight, Charlie cleared her throat before starting.

“Webster's dictionary defines redemption as-”

“No.” They all said at the same time.

“Look little bird” Satan started gently. “As a judge myself, I can safely say, if anyone tried to make me listen to dictionary definitions for hours on end, I’d hang em!”

“Satan!” The Sins shouted.

“What?! It’s true!”

“No, no!” Charlie says slightly stressed. “That's okay! I need honest opinions! Okay so, no definitions. Got it!”

After accidentally killing Yogirt in a blind rage (whoops), Satan copes by getting wasted and trauma dumping on Asmodeus.