#hellmouth con

Never in my life could I imagine meeting someone I looked up to for more than ten years. I started watching the show Angel when I was a kid and really fell in love with Lilah Morgan. And this might sound crazy for anyone who has watched the show, but there was something in Lilah that made me feel safe and happy. Not only that, but her character was strong and confident in a lot of ways while also being vulnerable (which I think is very important because being strong all the time isn’t everything). I never realized back then how hard it was not having a mom because I look back and I remember wanting Lilah to fill that role. Something I think I should be really embarrassed to say but I’m just not - and it’s something I’ve carried with me all these years.

That’s partly taking this trip was such a huge deal for me. It was so important for me and I’m proud that I did it. A lot of people don’t understand how hard it is for me to live in this world. How hard it is to have anxiety and go through life without physical assistance while constantly being vulnerable. How hard it is to be so chemically imbalanced you want to die. I never imagined I would have been able to do this on my own and while it was Not easy, I am so proud of myself.

It’s been a very intense year for me. From suffering a bad fall, being committed for something I didn’t do, losing my grandparents, getting treated for depression and anxiety and also being diagnosed as autistic. Sometimes I don’t always realize how much everything takes a toll on me but I am so much better now then I have ever been and I did it all on my own. I’d like to think my parents would be proud of me.

I’m saying all these things because I really want the people I know and love to see me and understand me as much as I try to do for them. They say you should never meet your hero’s but it’s a lie. Thank you Stephanie.