#hell yeah bois

“We destroyed the passports!” Gordon called from down, down by his feet, in the water. Benrey’s hands shook, staring down at his friends, confused and hurt. Gordon seemed to not care how much it hurt Benrey to have to fight him. Why didn’t Gordon seem at all upset about having to fight his friend? “Give up, Benrey!” 

And Benrey began to understand. 

Uninvited, tears formed in his eyes. Did Gordon actually hate him? This entire time, Benrey thought they were friends. They were so close, poking fun at one another, making jokes, and just being friends. Did... Did Gordon not see all of those jokes the same way? Was all of this for nothing? He tried so hard to be a good friend to Gordon, but, what if it was all for nothing. 

“Why....” Benrey’s hands shook, and they came up to clamp over his ears, pressing his hands into the sides of his head as he felt his breathing get faster. He didn’t need to breathe, not really, but everything overwhelmed him and his once human body began to force it all to happen. His usually unbeating heart raced, his breath came out too fast, and Benrey almost collapsed forwards, only stopped by the distance knowledge that he would come down on top of who he had thought was his friends. 

“Benrey?” Confusion filtered into Gordon’s voice, and Benrey took a few steps back, almost stumbling, just so he could fall forwards onto his knees without hurting anyone. Water splashed up a bit, sure, but it wouldn’t hurt them, he had never wanted to hurt them-

“We were such good friends... what happened?!” Benrey cried, curling forwards, hands pressing in on the sides of his head, tears finally becoming too much and spilling over, streaking down his dirty face, leaving stark tracks. Distantly, over the sound of the blood rushing through his ears, he could hear the others panicking. 

He felt like he was destabilizing, like he was going to fall apart at any moment, and he suddenly understood what Gordon had meant, when he said that when the adrenaline left it felt like his body was going to crumble. Benrey felt like he was crumbling, how could Gordon have handled this. 

Benrey had made fun of him for that, hadn’t he? He had made a comment. He could barely remember anymore, all the little things he had poked fun at over the course of this adventure, all the things he had said to Gordon, making fun of such little things, but had Gordon seem them as attacks? Had Benrey inadvertently hurt someone he had considered a friend? How badly? Had Benrey ruined something he thought of a close friendship? How in the world could he have not noticed that? 

He felt like his chest was caving in, and each gasping breath only made it hurt more, he barely realized he was making some sort of noise, a keening whimper, and he squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that it would stop the tears flowing down his face without his permission but it did nothing but force more out, and he cried out, curling down into himself. 

And he felt something small, barely there, press against the side of his face. 

Benrey’s eyes flew open, and there Gordon was, pressing his hand to Benrey’s cheek, something he had done to all of them at some point, but it still hit him. Gordon stared up at him, over sized as he still was, and if Benrey was in any state of mind, he would have seen the realization filter through Gordon’s eyes. 

“You... they were all well meant jokes, weren’t they?” Gordon asked softly, and Benrey sniffled, barely moving his head in a nod as not to dislodge Gordon’s hand, that small bit of pressure on his face, that felt like it was the only thing keeping him from floating off into oblivion and disappearing. “Benrey... I didn’t... realize.” 

Benrey closed his eyes again, trying desperately to stop crying, but it didn’t work. Without really meaning to, Benrey was small again, still curled up in on himself, but he wasn’t so stupidly big. Maybe that would help make him feel normal again, but all it did was give Gordon the chance to wrap him up in his arms. 

And Benrey clung back onto him, shaking. Distantly, he felt Tommy hit his left side, arms wrapping around his middle, and Bubby came up on his other side, dragged in by Coomer who wrapped them all up in his arms, surrounding him in all of them, bringing him into the fold and just holding on, holding him together so he didn’t fall apart completely. 

What followed was strange. Once Benrey managed to calm down, he didn’t really feel like talking, as if he’d have to go back to being the bad guy, but Gordon didn’t let him. In fact, Gordon didn’t actually let him try. He just shifted, lifting him up with one arm and looked around at the others. A quick plan, and they were finding their way back to Black Mesa without having to defeat the final boss that Benrey had put himself as. 

Tommy ended up calling in his dad, the suited man from before that Benrey remembered, Gman, he believed he was called, and Gman looked at the tear stained faces around him and sighed, before they were suddenly in a small apartment, that Tommy claimed was his own. Benrey didn’t really pay attention to that much, as Gman talked on and on about something or other, just clung tight to the HEV suit, still shaking. He wasn’t going to fall apart anymore, but he certainly wasn’t all together. Gordon didn’t seem all that put together either, and only put Benrey down-didn’t let go of him, not really, his hand holding onto Benrey’s shoulder tightly-in order to demand that this whole thing end here. No more battles, no end fight, just let them be. 

Gman looked towards Benrey once, and Benrey felt himself fill with rage. He could have been the villain, Gman could have, and everything would have been okay, Benrey wouldn’t have had to break down in front of them. His hands shook, and Gman actually appeared shaken by this, and stepped back, nodding. He didn’t look at Benrey again as he told everyone that Black Mesa would be in contact with hush money, freed Gordon of both the HEV suit and his gun arm-though he didn’t give Gordon a replacement, just left him with a completely healed over stump, which Benrey found quite rude. How was he going to regrow a new one if his skin healed over everything?-and left. 

Bubby and Coomer commandeered the guest bedroom, and Tommy offered his own to him and Gordon, but Gordon shook him off. It was Tommy’s home, and they were only going to stay a night before Gordon began to sort through everything that had happened and got back to his son. Benrey just stayed latched onto Gordon’s hand, saying nothing. He didn’t think his voice would work if he tried, though maybe his sweet voice would. He didn’t try that either though. Gordon didn’t actually understand it, and Benrey didn’t want to keep Tommy awake longer than he had to be. 

Once Tommy-and by extension, Sunkist-were safely in Tommy’s bedroom, both doors to both bedrooms shut, Benrey turned, shifting to fling his helmet off onto the couch so he could more comfortably hide his face in Gordon’s chest. They were both a mess, but so was everyone else. None of them were in any sort of right mind to take a shower or a bath or even change, though only Tommy would have clothing and he was a tree. Nothing he had would fit any of the rest of them. 

“Hey, Benrey, you’re alright.” He felt Gordon’s hand sweep through his hair, which was probably gross from so long under the helmet, but he didn’t care, not at this point, and not for a long time. 

“We were friends right?” Benrey almost whimpered into Gordon’s chest, hands fisted into Gordon’s shirt in an effort to stop them from shaking, words tumbling out without direction, tinged with sweet voice. “I didn’t fuck it all up, I didn’t ruin this chance, right?” 

Gordon sighed softly, shifting in order to sit more comfortably on the couch, Benrey ending up in his lap. “... No... you didn’t fuck it up completely. Sure I wish you’d stopped the guys when they cut off my arm, or maybe didn’t say a few things, but... You meant well. We were just on a different page the entire time.” 

Benrey didn’t lift his head, trying to find some way to word his thoughts again, everything feeling jumbled and broken. As much as he hated it, he turned his head, sweet voice tumbling out of his mouth, colors filling the room in shades of relief and hope and love, and Benrey relaxed against him, calming himself down, emotions pouring out of him in shades. 

Gordon watched the color and didn’t ask the questions of what it all meant, just let Benrey work it all out before trying to think of the words to say properly, the sweet voice hanging around them as nightlights. “Feel better?” 

After a moment, Benrey nodded against his chest, but still said nothing, just wrapping his arms tightly around Gordon’s chest, closing his eyes tightly. He didn’t need to sleep, but he could, and god was he exhausted. He needed the reset. Gordon hummed softly, his hand coming up to push Benrey’s hair back, petting it down against his skull, scratching at his scalp.