#heavy electro

(Black Tiger Sex Machine)

Epiphany of the year. And I’ll keep it to myself.

Kidding!! I don’t know about any of you but 2022 was FUCKING nuts. How many of you lost a loved one? How many bad days did you have? How many terrible and historical moments did you block out to cope with the wretched way the World is?

I’m interested to hear what you have to say.

I must also ask you how many Good days did you have? How many times did you step outside yourself to see a better perspective? How many of you reached out and helped someone in need, giving them a chance to survive?

I’m just curious what you guys have to say. I certainly was far from perfect. But there were good times, happy times…and There’s one moment I’ll always recall: Driving a super nice Purple Dodge Challenger, and it’s owner. But it didn’t work out.

And then when there was a chance to salvage it a year later, I had made the choice of getting off of a medication so my sharpness, awareness, and motivation would return. This affected my work performance, and got sacked from the Field Work and sent back to the Shop. I couldn’t wake up on time, and then would get up, feel the nerves

Of course weening off that med had serious side effects where I straight up lost my shit, 0-100 reaaaaaal quick over the STUPIDEST SHIT.

4 days later, our relationship ended. What a fucking joke it all was…but it meant a lot to me. So much…things change. I noticed near the end of November how my perception was changing. Things made sense, like Friends, Peers, Music Shit and Routine.

It helped to see things from a new light. Realizing I don’t have to write happy music or poetry. I don’t have to write happy songs or EDM bangers. I don’t have to live in the past nearly every day, tear my face apart, and I don’t have to hang out with Dip Shits.

So many things clicked; when I couldn’t comprehend them before. Choices and consequences, Letting Go of Shit that was ripping me apart internally and mentally..My social circle Socializing, and fucking my loneliness away (never worked). And not being in a good state of mind to find someone new.

I put limitations and labels on myself subconsciously. I got stuck in a negative feedback loop. If you know, you know. Leave a comment. They say we don’t have to live in the past. We don’t.

It’s a nice feeling when you wake up, feel normal for once, and feel okay. Prior to, was just nightmares, lamentations, and desperately seeking Solace. I guess, maybe I found my Solace. I’ve come to terms with my shitty and good decisions. Thankfully I have a better support system than I thought; putting up with my Shit since October 2021.

The thing I realized with the help of my friend, is that sure, life knocks you down, it can even keep you down, if you let it. If you don’t get back up right after getting fistfucked by Life, not only will that moment be a failure, but it could very well result in more failures and missed opportunities.

The other Epiphany I had was that I can’t wait to GTFO Utah, and move to the West Coast. As well as getting a bad case of Imposter Syndrome.

I freaked the fuck out. I didn’t know what I wanted to write about anymore. I had backing, I had what I wanted. All the Venom pumping through my veins had dissolved into remission. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt this feeling of blissful serenity and peace. Those are feelings I don’t feel very often. This was in September. And that state of happiness only lasted three days for me. And then it was back to not being enough. I wasn’t enough, or my levels of success weren’t enough; or my bleeding sincerity.

But then I realized, this was never about leviathan sized success. It was about Connection. It was about inspiring others to make Art, Music, Video Games, Soundtracks, Animators, etc…music has always been my go to whenever life seems pointless. Don’t you find it crazy how music can affect people like that?

So out of lack of a better idea, I sent over my song, “American Gods” to my Manager at the time; and then I cranked out a song, what I wanted to campaign

After the loss of my master files back in May 2022; writing just doesn’t hit the same. Sure I can write some lyrics, some poems; I can sort of sing, but I’m highly proficient in Ableton Live and Sound Design. I got a case of the fuck-it’s and became a YouTube Potato. I would watch documentaries, movies, late night talk shows, and rarely would I watch production tutorials; I didn’t give a shit enough to improve my craft. My art. My dream.

What’s the definition of Spirituality? Purpose.

Music is my purpose. Supporting it. Creating it. Remixing it. Reinterpreting it. Collaborating with other people and artists on it. Evolving it. Changing it forever. And I’m not the only one.

Folllllllow

From being on 14 medications and now down to 6. I’ve been on muscle relaxers and pain killers for a year now (Amongst Others)…and I’ve noticed my regeneration has been BvLLSH*T, and I fall apart if I don’t take my meds on time, on the dot. It’s a new pain that drives me insane…

But I needed to know what my true pain really felt like. Not that I want to by any means, and have been avoiding core issues for years, but I needed to remember. Turns out my Spine truly feels all messed up, like a tangled piece of Rebar. The pain is a serious interference in my life. I hate that I might actually need back surgery.

I did a piss poor job tapering off these. Actually it was probably because I’d stop 4 at a time. And haven’t smoked a cigarette in I don’t know how long. Probably two weeks. Everything feels blurry, yet my sharpness, strength, energy and dopamine are beginning to stabilize.

And in this began three months ago.

Now all of these meds were prescribed to me for legitimate reasons. It’s just the next step which I dread…Having to see a spine specialist, get a nerve test study completed, which is particularly costly.

But the stupid reality is I might actually need to be on those medications, and it’s a cocktail of death, but I might need them. I’m a bit of a tank; sure my lungs might shit out temporarily giving the appearance I’m dead, or that I’m struggling to breath, and personally my own favorite, but it’s just my lungs fucking sucking in the oxygen at the bare minimum to keep me alive; even though, I may look dead. I’m not dead yet. And I think I’m feeling better.

It’s just a trip how fast these past two years have passed. Life is strange.

But here’s the clincher; You can be different, you can change, you can let go and heal, and you can give a shit; not giving into the dread, pressure, and hatefulness.

With that said I’m off to bed.

So here’s my SoundCloud, and below:

My Spotify; yeah I screwed up the title for that one:

You can find me on Twitter, Instagram, and Tik Tok @tylerspyder

And there’s ReverbNation; combining my YouTube, SoundCloud and Spotify:

But guess what? I have purpose. And even though that event on January 17th cost me early probation termination, and most importantly, caused a life long physical condition of nerve death, known as Neuropathy; I haven’t given up.

Thanks to some old friends, I was able to start living again, and finished some music, specifically the Tyler Spyder ”Zero Hour EP” in 30 days, releasing it the day after my birthday, 11.17.21; and guess what? My song, “Death Stranding” off of that EP, got signed to an International Record Label based in Los Angeles; MojoHeadz Records. I signed the deal in December, and now that song has been mastered, mixed and premieres on Spotify, this Friday, July 29th, 2022. I’m also thinking about doing a Release Party, HMU if you want to come.

And that EP? It landed me a freelance gig as a soundtrack composer for an Action WebToon.

Yeah, I sacrificed my social life, from time to time I get Major Cabin Fever, and on top of my physical condition, I took the time I spent playing video games, and maybe spend 3 days out of each month playing Dying Light 2 with my friend online.

I went from putting in 8-12 hours a day of video games after working full time, to full on production mode with music, every day, and still working full time.

I work as a supervisor at an HVAC shop full time, I fabricate metal, I weld better than most for being a novice, and sometimes I get to travel to the field and install what I’ve created with my co-workers. But after work? I go straight to my desk, work on music, take breaks to work out for five minutes, and go right back to music.

This goes to show you, no matter what happens to you, you can still make your dreams come true, no matter the odds stacked against you. It might take longer, it might be harder, but if you put in the effort and have the skills, it’ll happen.

So Most importantly? Fuck what people think of you, and if they discourage you, fuck that; listen to your heart, mind, body and soul, and do what you want to do. If I can do it, so can you.

Make a routine, stick to it, and you’ll accomplish what you want. Or what you need.

Again, I can’t stress this enough, if I can make these things happen and work, balance them, and succeed, so can you.