#heartbreaksucks

I’m only here because I kind of need someone to talk to. But I don’t really want people to know what I’m going through. People just suck sometimes. 

I’m having a hard time. With my friends and with an ex boyfriend. I know...it’s life. But I just wanna let it out somewhere. Somewhere personal for me. So that I can feel a little better, and come back one day and realize that it just takes time to heal. Let’s do it. Post #1. 

I love my friends. But sometimes they can be...I don’t even know what word I’m looking for. They just think about themselves a lot. And hey, I don’t blame them. Maybe I’d be a lot less hurt these days if I did the same thing. One of my friends thought she walked in on me crying yesterday (my eyelash was just bugging me) and almost immediately walked out because she didn’t want to deal with me. We laughed it off because, that’s what I do. One of my friends died this past weekend in a car wreck. Her name was Nique and she was so sweet. I was crying about it last night and another one of my friends told me to stop drinking lol. Cole world. #RIPNique 

The man I love is, complicated. He doesn’t love me back but I think he tries to. Which is, terrible. I ask for simple things. A phone call or a text message to check in with me, but he can’t do that for me. So I decided to break it off for good last night and here we are. I’ve cried a thousand times this year over him and I’m just tired of crying really. I hate the headaches the next morning from crying. My head is actually pounding right now. He was the best and worst love of my life. You ever want something so so so bad, and it’s right there but you just can’t have it? It’s torture. This is torture. I feel sick. I don’t really want to eat. I just want to lay in bed all day and watch The Office or lay in silence. I wonder how long it’ll take me to stop feeling so sad. I always feel so sad. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is probably the worst pain. And trust me, I know what pain is. My anxiety is flaring, per usual. But it’s always the worst after I fight with him...or break up with him. I break up with him every other week, but I know this time it’s for good. I can’t keep doing this to myself, or him. It’s toxic, it’s sad, and it’s unnecessary. 

Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are man. It hurts so, so bad. Everything hurts. Getting up for work in the mornings, going to work, working, going home, being home, all of it. And it’s OK to hurt. It’s OK to not be OK. And sometimes I forget that. My friends and family don’t allow me to be sad, and I think that’s why I’m so sad all the time inside. I can’t talk about everything that’s bothering me because it’s too bizarre for people. Me talking about my pain is just too bizarre for people. 

I’m an empath. So not only do I carry my own pain, I carry pain from others also. It’s heavy, but I can’t help it. I just feel everything. But I need to focus on feeling this pain that I’m going through right now, so that I can get over it. 

Apart of me is sad because I want my ex to text me and tell me that he loves me and can’t lose me, but then I don’t want him to because it’ll just make it harder for me to move on. And I need to move on. The best thing for me to do is remove him completely from my life and cut off all access. No texts, no Twitter, no Instagram, no e-mail. Just complete silence. I blocked him. But I have a bad habit of unblocking him once I’ve calmed down. I’m not going to do that this time. Maybe we could be friends in 2020. But just not right now. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I hope it’s true. My friend told me last night that she didn’t think I was serious this time. Again, my friends aren’t the easiest people to talk to. I want to be healthy again. I’m taking my vitamins and taking care of my business and that’s been helping. But this situation has me really down today. Breakups are like deaths. You’re grieving the loss of a partner. They’re gone from your life and you have to live everyday without them. It’s the worst. I don’t wish heartbreak on my worst enemy. Ugh, my eyes are so puffy right now. I can’t really talk to my mom about this either. She never liked my ex so she doesn’t like talking about him. And I’m not really in the mood to hear, “I told you so.” It’s hard being surrounded by people that do love you, but just can’t hear you. 

I’m very lonely. But I’ve been lonely for some time now. I just deal with it, but the pain has been excruciating lately. I’d never kill myself by the way. I’m far from suicidal. I’m just hurting. Just trying to release. I don’t think I need a partner to feel better, but I think that having someone would make me feel...better. Someone that loves the way I do. I’d really like that. I’ve tried to meet other people this year, but no one has been able to make me feel the way I feel about my ex. He was probably my first love. I thought I’d fallen in love before him, but I’ve never felt like this so...yeah. Again, it’s just hard. I know it’s going to take time and that scares me. How much time? When will this stop hurting so badly?

I do this thing where I feel guilty about being sad. I think about all of the great things I have going on and how blessed I am and I feel so stupid for being sad over men and other shallow stuff. It’s like, girl...people are dying in the world. A mother just lost her daughter, my friend. And here I am crying about being heartbroken. But I need to stop doing that though. It’s OK. It’s OK to be sad over a dumb guy. It’s apart of life and feeling things is OK. Being emotional is OK. I don’t need to feel guilty. I wanna work on that. God I need a therapist...what the fuck. 

I love him. I love him despite the fact that he treats me so poorly. I’ve never felt so small or unimportant by anyone. And I still love him. What is that? How does that even happen? I never thought I’d be that girl. Being in love with a man that does nothing to make her feel special. He’s so clearly not concerned with me, and I just can’t let him go. I guess I hold on to the potential...what I think it could be. But it won’t be. I know he’d be a great father, and he’s such a good human being honestly. He’s just not for me, and that’s OK too. I just wish we would’ve gotten married and had a child together. Lived in a beautiful home and I would have taken such good care of him. I think I’m perfect for him, but I guess I’m not his one. And that’s OK, just a little hard to except sometimes. It’s all very hard to accept. I think I’m going to take a break from social media too. I just need to heal. I just want silence. 

I almost got over him before, and then he kept coming around...calling, texting, emailing, etc. I fell for it again and went back. Look where it got me. I was almost used to not speaking to him everyday, or seeing him, or just being with him at all. Almost. I just have to get back to that. I just have to be strong. But you just get so tired of being strong man. It gets exhausting. Sometimes I just wanna scream my head off and break things and run. No one ever knows. Last night my friends saw me cry for the first time. One of them told me to stop drinking, and the other started talking about herself. I think I said that already in this post but whatever. I’m still hungover and sad so it doesn’t even fucking matter. I have to say, this feels good. I’ve been telling myself that I wanted to get back on Tumblr and do this for some time now. I hope that this can help me get through this a lot faster. I think that seeing my thoughts in front of me is giving me some type of relief or ease. If you’re reading this, if you can relate, I’m sorry. I hope that you can find a way to deal with your pain too. We’ll get through this. 5 years from now none of this will even matter. It’s going to be OK. You’re going to be OK. Stay with me.