Hey.

I looked at my spam folder this morning. You wrote me again. I have to stay strong. I have to. Complete silence. No communication for at least 21 days. I can do this. You can do this. I just have to remember the pain and the hurt I feel every time I go back. It’s so amazing how we forget. Kind of like child birth (from what I’ve been told). You forget how excruciating the pain is, and want to have more after a while. It’s kind of sick when you think about it. 

I want to talk to you. So badly. I just wanna reply and tell you how much I love you and how sad I am, and how selfish and manipulative you are. And yell at you for ruining us this way. But I know how this goes. I reply, then you reply, and then we keep on replying until we unblock each other because it’s dumb. Then we start texting, and then you call me. And then we meet up, and then you we’re okay for a few days and I’m in bliss. A few days, maybe even a week (if I’m lucky) passes by, and we’re back at square one. You stop trying again, and I’m left to pick up my own broken pieces and promises. I get drunk one night, and I cry my eyes out for hours and decide that I’m not going to let it happen again. Then I go off on you, block you on everything, and have mild panic attacks for 2 or 3 days. It’s sick. I’m sick. I’ve been doing that to myself for the past 2 years...2 years. I don’t want to go through that anymore. I’m not sorry, but I am sad. It’s going to get better though. We’ll be okay. I love you. 

I miss you. A lot. And it sucks. You really were/are my favorite person. I still don’t know why. It’s not like you’ve ever really done anything special for me. It’s really strange. I really don’t even know why I love you, to be honest. Maybe because I’ve just always had you for so long. It’s not like you used to sit on the phone for hours and talk to me, or like you were consistent. It’s not like you took me on dates or trips. You never helped me financially with anything or surprised me with gifts. Other than that one birthday and Christmas I guess. You weren’t really interested in my family or friends. It’s actually pretty freaking stupid when I think about it. Maybe I just loved you because of how selfless you are with everyone else. I love how you treat the people you love and care about, excluding me...I’m not sure what went wrong there but whatever ya know. I miss laying up with you on my couch though. Cuddling with you was always nice. I loved watching you sleep. It was calming to me. Your presence was nice too. Seeing you made me happy. Being with you made me happy. Loved seeing you walk past at work. Just being in the same place as you, just made me feel so nice inside. 

I wish I was your person. I wish I made you want to be a great partner and think outside of the box. I always envision our happily ever after. I daydream about it all of the time. What it would be like if we were married and had a child. Our home and how we’d design it and decorate it. Packing lunches, cooking, and just taking care of you. You don’t know how much I’d love to just take care of you. And you never will. 

This was not proofread. 

I need to stop drinking. At least until I can deal with this. I always wake up the next morning feeling so sad and defeated, and not because of the hangover. So when you block someone from your email, their messages just get sent to your spam folder. I checked my spam folder last night because I was drunk. And I saw an email from him. I wanted to cry. I wanted to respond so badly. But I didn’t, and I won’t. Progress. But I’m hurting today. I’m hurting so badly. I went on a date yesterday and it was awesome, but I was still sad. I’m so sad about moving on. Although I do feel less stressed and anxious, which tells me that I’m making the right decision. I’m gonna go for a walk today and get some fresh air. Maybe I need more sleep too. I can’t focus at work today. I’m all messed up. Tomorrow makes 7 days, 14 more to go. I just have to remember the pain. Why do we love the people that hurt us the most? I don’t know why I’m still so in love with someone that caused me so much pain. I was miserable, crying every other day, yet I still want him so badly. It doesn’t make any sense. I guess I understand how other women feel now. I never understood why women stayed with men that made them so unhappy, but now I do. If it wasn’t for the healthy relationships I have with my parents, friends, and family, I’d probably stay too. It’s just different when you know what you’re worth to people. I know my worth, I’m just still in love. I kinda don’t wanna talk about it anymore today. Bye

Today I feel much better. Still hurting, but better. I know that I still have a long way to go. Blocking him makes it easier because I’m not expecting anything, you know? Like, I know I’m not going to wake up to any messages and I know that it isn’t him when my phone rings. It gives me a little peace and eases my anxiety. I’m just the type of person that would rather not know. I’ve still been thinking about him excessively though. Wondering where he is and who he’s talking to. I don’t know how I’ll act when I run into him. Apart of me doesn’t want any bad feelings or malice between us, but then I also feel like it might be easier if there is. I don’t really want us to be nice to each other or even communicate at all. Not even a “hello.” It’s just too hard. Next thing you know I’m going to be over-analyzing how he said “hello” and it’ll be on my brain for days, and I’m gonna be like maybe I should’ve said hello back...blah. I don’t even want those problems. I think silence is the best option right now. Absolute silence...no contact, no communication. I need him to feel dead to me *knocks on wood* seriously. I need to mourn. I said what I said and I meant it, no matter how much I love him. 

I spoke to one of my co-workers yesterday and she just warms my heart. She told me I need to make a list of exactly what I want and how I want to be treated, and then look at it everyday to remind myself not to go back. I think it’s gonna be super helpful. I’m gonna write it up today. We talked about how it’s not that he doesn’t love me, he just can’t love me the way that I want to be loved. I need passion and he’s too simple. He doesn’t understand, and he’s just not wired like me. There’s nothing else that I can do or say to make him give me what I want. He simply can’t, and that’s OK. But I need more...I’ll never be happy with him. I need someone that’s going to think outside the box and go the extra mile. Someone to ignite my fire and make me feel so good. I’m just too much for someone like him and that’s OK. I’m not his person, and he isn’t mine. He needs someone simple, someone that doesn’t require much thought. I need someone that thinks and analyzes, someone detailed...like me. I hope he’s alright today though. I hope he misses me. 

I know it’s a bit soon but I’m ready for a new love already. I haven’t been loved on properly for a long time and I’m beyond ready for it. Something passionate and sexy and just...everythiiing. I hope it comes sooner than later. I’m at my best when I’m happy in love. I just glow. I’m ready for my soulmate to come and sweep me off of my feet. 

(This has not been proof-read) 

You treat me like trash. You treat me like I don’t matter, like I’m not special, like I’m not important. And it sucks. You’re the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning, and when I go to sleep at night. I think about you all day long actually. I wanted to marry you. I still do and I don’t know why. I wanted to have your child. Wanted to keep loving you. Maybe I just wasn’t loving you the way you needed to be loved. Maybe our love languages were just too different. And that’s OK. But you suck. You could’ve left me alone so many times. We’ve broken up so many times, and you always bother me. I could have been over you a long time ago. I wouldn’t even be going through this pain right now and I think that’s what fucks me up the most. Because I know better. You couldn’t stand the thought of me moving on and being happy with someone else. So you kept yourself in my life, regardless of how miserable I was, regardless of how much you really didn’t even want or care about me. Do you know how selfish and evil that is? You have no idea how much pain and suffering you’ve put me through this year, simply by making me feel so small. Not even worth a phone call or text message. I can’t believe that I still love you. I don’t understand how I got here. I tried to be the best girlfriend and friend to you. I just don’t know what else to do at this point but move on. I don’t think it’s supposed to hurt this much. I’ve never hurt this much over anyone. You hurt me, badly. For the last time though. You are my kryptonite. I’m staying away for good this time. My confidence is shattered every time we’re “together” or trying again. I feel ugly with you, on the outside and inside. Because what is it about me that’s so hard to want to love? I feel like I make it easy. I’m here, I don’t ask for anything, I listen to you, try to help whenever you need me, I’m attentive...I don’t know. I’ll never get it. Everyone isn’t for everybody though, so I have to stop beating myself up. Maybe it’s you and not me. I’d hate to see you with someone else. I know I’d just die inside...but despite it all, I do want you to be happy. I wish it were me though. I really do. It breaks my heart. I’m heartbroken all the time. I’ve been heartbroken for a long time now. It’s time for me to stop allowing you to break my heart. It’s time for me to stop breaking my own heart. I guess I’m just so sad because I’m going to miss the good parts about you and having someone to love. Someone to think about when I’m listening to love songs. Someone to complain about to my friends. When you were good to me, I was very happy. It’s always so extreme with you. I’m either the happiest girl in the world, or a fucking Hannah Baker. There’s something in me that still hopes it’s you at the end of it all. I wish you peace and happiness and love. You still suck though. 

I’m only here because I kind of need someone to talk to. But I don’t really want people to know what I’m going through. People just suck sometimes. 

I’m having a hard time. With my friends and with an ex boyfriend. I know...it’s life. But I just wanna let it out somewhere. Somewhere personal for me. So that I can feel a little better, and come back one day and realize that it just takes time to heal. Let’s do it. Post #1. 

I love my friends. But sometimes they can be...I don’t even know what word I’m looking for. They just think about themselves a lot. And hey, I don’t blame them. Maybe I’d be a lot less hurt these days if I did the same thing. One of my friends thought she walked in on me crying yesterday (my eyelash was just bugging me) and almost immediately walked out because she didn’t want to deal with me. We laughed it off because, that’s what I do. One of my friends died this past weekend in a car wreck. Her name was Nique and she was so sweet. I was crying about it last night and another one of my friends told me to stop drinking lol. Cole world. #RIPNique 

The man I love is, complicated. He doesn’t love me back but I think he tries to. Which is, terrible. I ask for simple things. A phone call or a text message to check in with me, but he can’t do that for me. So I decided to break it off for good last night and here we are. I’ve cried a thousand times this year over him and I’m just tired of crying really. I hate the headaches the next morning from crying. My head is actually pounding right now. He was the best and worst love of my life. You ever want something so so so bad, and it’s right there but you just can’t have it? It’s torture. This is torture. I feel sick. I don’t really want to eat. I just want to lay in bed all day and watch The Office or lay in silence. I wonder how long it’ll take me to stop feeling so sad. I always feel so sad. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is probably the worst pain. And trust me, I know what pain is. My anxiety is flaring, per usual. But it’s always the worst after I fight with him...or break up with him. I break up with him every other week, but I know this time it’s for good. I can’t keep doing this to myself, or him. It’s toxic, it’s sad, and it’s unnecessary. 

Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are man. It hurts so, so bad. Everything hurts. Getting up for work in the mornings, going to work, working, going home, being home, all of it. And it’s OK to hurt. It’s OK to not be OK. And sometimes I forget that. My friends and family don’t allow me to be sad, and I think that’s why I’m so sad all the time inside. I can’t talk about everything that’s bothering me because it’s too bizarre for people. Me talking about my pain is just too bizarre for people. 

I’m an empath. So not only do I carry my own pain, I carry pain from others also. It’s heavy, but I can’t help it. I just feel everything. But I need to focus on feeling this pain that I’m going through right now, so that I can get over it. 

Apart of me is sad because I want my ex to text me and tell me that he loves me and can’t lose me, but then I don’t want him to because it’ll just make it harder for me to move on. And I need to move on. The best thing for me to do is remove him completely from my life and cut off all access. No texts, no Twitter, no Instagram, no e-mail. Just complete silence. I blocked him. But I have a bad habit of unblocking him once I’ve calmed down. I’m not going to do that this time. Maybe we could be friends in 2020. But just not right now. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I hope it’s true. My friend told me last night that she didn’t think I was serious this time. Again, my friends aren’t the easiest people to talk to. I want to be healthy again. I’m taking my vitamins and taking care of my business and that’s been helping. But this situation has me really down today. Breakups are like deaths. You’re grieving the loss of a partner. They’re gone from your life and you have to live everyday without them. It’s the worst. I don’t wish heartbreak on my worst enemy. Ugh, my eyes are so puffy right now. I can’t really talk to my mom about this either. She never liked my ex so she doesn’t like talking about him. And I’m not really in the mood to hear, “I told you so.” It’s hard being surrounded by people that do love you, but just can’t hear you. 

I’m very lonely. But I’ve been lonely for some time now. I just deal with it, but the pain has been excruciating lately. I’d never kill myself by the way. I’m far from suicidal. I’m just hurting. Just trying to release. I don’t think I need a partner to feel better, but I think that having someone would make me feel...better. Someone that loves the way I do. I’d really like that. I’ve tried to meet other people this year, but no one has been able to make me feel the way I feel about my ex. He was probably my first love. I thought I’d fallen in love before him, but I’ve never felt like this so...yeah. Again, it’s just hard. I know it’s going to take time and that scares me. How much time? When will this stop hurting so badly?

I do this thing where I feel guilty about being sad. I think about all of the great things I have going on and how blessed I am and I feel so stupid for being sad over men and other shallow stuff. It’s like, girl...people are dying in the world. A mother just lost her daughter, my friend. And here I am crying about being heartbroken. But I need to stop doing that though. It’s OK. It’s OK to be sad over a dumb guy. It’s apart of life and feeling things is OK. Being emotional is OK. I don’t need to feel guilty. I wanna work on that. God I need a therapist...what the fuck. 

I love him. I love him despite the fact that he treats me so poorly. I’ve never felt so small or unimportant by anyone. And I still love him. What is that? How does that even happen? I never thought I’d be that girl. Being in love with a man that does nothing to make her feel special. He’s so clearly not concerned with me, and I just can’t let him go. I guess I hold on to the potential...what I think it could be. But it won’t be. I know he’d be a great father, and he’s such a good human being honestly. He’s just not for me, and that’s OK too. I just wish we would’ve gotten married and had a child together. Lived in a beautiful home and I would have taken such good care of him. I think I’m perfect for him, but I guess I’m not his one. And that’s OK, just a little hard to except sometimes. It’s all very hard to accept. I think I’m going to take a break from social media too. I just need to heal. I just want silence. 

I almost got over him before, and then he kept coming around...calling, texting, emailing, etc. I fell for it again and went back. Look where it got me. I was almost used to not speaking to him everyday, or seeing him, or just being with him at all. Almost. I just have to get back to that. I just have to be strong. But you just get so tired of being strong man. It gets exhausting. Sometimes I just wanna scream my head off and break things and run. No one ever knows. Last night my friends saw me cry for the first time. One of them told me to stop drinking, and the other started talking about herself. I think I said that already in this post but whatever. I’m still hungover and sad so it doesn’t even fucking matter. I have to say, this feels good. I’ve been telling myself that I wanted to get back on Tumblr and do this for some time now. I hope that this can help me get through this a lot faster. I think that seeing my thoughts in front of me is giving me some type of relief or ease. If you’re reading this, if you can relate, I’m sorry. I hope that you can find a way to deal with your pain too. We’ll get through this. 5 years from now none of this will even matter. It’s going to be OK. You’re going to be OK. Stay with me.