#headblind

I keep wondering about prayer requests and feeling like they go unanswered. I don't talk to the Gods, interact with the Gods, or ... "feel" the Gods as much as the vast majority of pagans/polytheists on the internet seem to explain. I cannot rely on the interactions to know if a prayer was answered, I have to go off faith almost entirely.

My immediate thoughts is the very Christian "God works in mysterious ways," reaction. I usually try to focus on the idea that Gods did answer just in a way I didn't expect. The "silver linings" in my life might be attributable to my supplication to the Gods, so I try as best I can to look for them.

But still I often express in frustration something like "the universe just fucking hates me" or "thanks universe *sarcasm*" and when I actually think about it, couldn't "the universe" that shaped my life be perhaps The Moirai? Or perhaps ordained in the Tablet of Destiny? or a higher "larger" deity? Because, lets face it, when I'm bitching about the universe giving me the life I have: who am I bitching about?

Yes, I am aware none of my Gods are all powerful but they can, and do, intervene in our world— otherwise supplication would be pointless. The basis of Kharis wouldn't exist.

Awhile ago my mom was sitting in my room with me, she looked at my altar and said "why aren't they helping you?" Part of me felt "maybe they don't" but I asked her "you pray to God for me don't you?" she said yes and I responded with "so why hasn't helped me? If God, Trinity, Jesus, whomever is the only God... surly he helps non-Christians." To which she agreed. Meaning if my current condition isn't being helped by my Gods then it also isn't being helped by The Trinity despite her prayers. We both thought about it and mentioned good things that have happened recently. I keep getting worse but any of these good things could be the work of The Gods (be in mine or my mom's ...or both). In another instance I told that exact story to someone and they slightly under there breath dismissively said "because none of them are real". Which is just a jerk thing to say but it does leave a seed of painful doubt.

Some people draw closer to their religion during times of hardship but here I am angry at life and wondering if any of my supplications are ever answered by any god. And if any of them exist.

If you don’t know, I am a headblind devotee of Mars. I also honour Saturn and other Gods in my practice. Recently I read a blog post of someone else and their experience being a headblind devotee of Apollon and I thought I would share my thoughts as well.

So if you are in any polytheist space online, I am sure you see plenty of people talking about how they received X sign from their God or they got this feeling or that feeling. As you might tell from where I am going with this, as well as the name, someone who is headblind gets none of this. 

I never received any signs from any of the Gods. I have never gotten any feelings related to any of the Gods. I have never gotten dreams or what have you related to the Gods. My faith is totally void of these common factors that most polytheist spaces take for granted or see them as almost natural. 

Now, there is nothing wrong with this. Far from it. I see it as completely natural and while I may be biased, I think headblind devotee help bring things to polytheist spaces you may not have otherwise. However, I have also seen what damage this attitude of signs being completely normal can do. While I am not that old myself, I would consider myself to have gone through a lot of growth in the past couple of years and that includes emotional and spiritual growth. However, many new polytheist who come to these spaces are less so. I have seen many dejected and depressed because they have not received these signs they hear so much about. 

This is something that I am glad headblind devotees, such as myself, bring. I believe that we can help ground communities in discussions such as these. I have never received any signs or feelings from Mars but I am as much a devotee of him as the next person. 

Something that always touches me as a headblind devotee is the steadfastness of the Gods. I don’t feel the Gods now and I might never but in my silence, I feel the rock that is the Gods. They are always there, watching over me and protecting me, I just don’t know it.  As someone who struggles with depression, I know how fickle feelings can be. No feelings to me can replace the knowledge that the Gods are always there, ready and willing to be there for me. 

Also from depression, I know the value of perseverance. I am alive today because of it. The reason I am alive today is because my ability to grit my teeth and get through the difficult times. This is no different from my faith. There are many days I feel utterly alone and the idea of the Gods can seem useless and arbitrary. But I grit my teeth and press on. On the days it feels useless, I still get up and offer a prayer to Mars and the Gods. It is not my feelings who push me to do that. My feelings tell me that its useless and I can’t do anything right. But the Gods tell me to push on and keep going. 

There are many days where I feel isolated for being a headblind devotee. But there are also many days I am thankful for it. The Gods know me well and I know being headblind is actually for my benefit. 

I really didn’t expect that post to be still getting so much traction. When I made that post over a year ago by this point, it was mostly a thing of trying to find my place in the online pagan communities and where i exist within it. That whole post was something i really just made in a very short amount of time and didn’t think much of it at all. 

Looking at it now, I probably would have worded it a bit differently now than I did back then. Of course part of it for me is the “Hellenic”. Since then I’ve definitely become a lot more comfortable in my practice and a lot less uncomfortable of my place in these online spaces. 

Now while I’m completely fine with it being up of course, would probably word it pretty differently these days. Something that might be a bit spicy and I have thought about since then, and no judgement on these types of people but in online spaces it can certainly feel like there are two type of polytheists on here. There is the one group which are polytheists in which divination and the other stuff we consider “witchy” can inform their practice but aren’t central. (This is obviously the group I’m in). The other group is where being “witchy” is how they started and they just got introduced to the Gods on their journey but the “witchy” part is more central to them.

For me, the Gods are wholly central to me. How I started on my journey was the Gods and they still continue to be so. I do use divination but if I lose the ability somehow to use divination tomorrow, it would not impact my practice and my cultus. 

This is just something I’ve realized and come to terms with over my furthering time as a polytheist. And with this I’ve started to care even less about being “headblind” or whatever you wish to call it. It does not impact me at all these days and if the “headblind” discourse or the need of some polytheists for signs ended tomorrow, it wouldn’t impact me either. Something you really realize when you start your journey in Cultus Deorum is the solitary nature of it. When I made the Headblind post, it was me existing in hellenic polytheism online spaces and trying to find my voice, as a cultor, in that space. While I wouldn’t say that necessarily my practice is stronger, my committment and steadfastness in the Gods I would certainly say is stronger. 

Me: Candles, candles...

Him*: Whatever.

Me: How about "fir forest"? That's sort masculine. Or maybe something rainy...

Him: Apple pie.

Me: What?

Him: APPLE PIEEEE!

Me: ... kay.

Hello! ^.^

Head-blind is a term used on tumblr--and potentially elsewhere--to mean those of us who don't have a sense of communication with deities or spirits, or a sense of magic or other world-y things.

It can be a littler different for everyone. For me, I mean that I don't get a sense of ghosts or deities, don't have prophetic or communicative dreams, have no sense of astral or trance things, etc.

--Anonymous

If you can't hear or communicate with a deity, then you can't hear or communicate with a deity. That's honestly how you can tell. The time it takes for a deity to contact you--if it'll happen at all--varies widely, but you can make offerings, pray, make devotionals, enjoy nature, etc. and they will all bring you closer to the divine. I can't guarantee that you'll eventually be able to "hear" or "speak with" your gods, but I'd say you don't necessarily need that sort of contact in order to appreciate, worship, and be inspired by deities.

If you are a traditional Wiccan, then perhaps there's something your coven can suggest to help you with becoming closer with the Wiccan God and Goddess.

--Anonymous

Is being "head blind" a certainty? Is there any way to hone those communication skills?

--Anonymous

The answer is "It depends". God phones and the ability to communicate with spirits is a skill, and like any other skill- it can take practice and honing in in order for it to become something that works consistently or with any success. Therosebell wrote a little bit about it here, and I think her advice is very good for these kinds of situations. Practicing often and with different means and methods is key to figuring out what works for you. However, the possibility always remains that you might not have a god phone, and you'll have to find ways to work around that.