#he so.

My fixations get intense and once theyre planted they never leave 🫠❤️. I dunno if its cause my mind loves repetition, or if its cause I get attached to fictional characters super quickly.

...but im also so scared of losing interested. Starting a fixation is the best, but losing it is even crazier. It doesnt help i have ocd, and that usually results in intrusive thoughts and compulsions that help me avoid my fears. I am scared of suddenly losing interests in my current fixations, so when I dont engage with them for a day (literally, just a day) I panic and feel like im losing. Then I draw. Even when I have art block I draw.

Then it becomes a routine to draw everyday or else i will lose not just my interest and passion for my faves, but also my skill. Ive already been struggling with my art, I feel like its stale. Lacking of change and it radiates the potential that it could've had.

I'm medicated, so i wish it would just go away. 5 different medications yet I still fall into my fear cycles...eh. at least im not unmedicated. I dont get intrusive thoughts and intrusive imagery as frequently as I use to. It's quiet, yet I still feel the nagging fears that disturb my peace. But when im not sitting here thinking about it, im ok. Like everything is fine. My routines are normal despite the motive being fear. It's something I just live with. I guess thats what I just gotta do. Get by with these fears, bury them with medication and CBT, and walk along.