Corporeal
May 6th The raucous hum of my phone ringing pulled me from sleep a little earlier than I’d been anticipating, reaching blindly down to the floor to search with my touch alone, soon grabbing it and just about answering without even seeing who it was, barely awake. “Mah?” Was the only greeting I could give. “GET UP, ALFIE! WE’RE GOING TO THE LAKE!” It was Niall. It was Niall and his voice was like a damn siren.
I cringed, scrunching my eyes yet attempting to open them, trying to gage the time by looking up to the clock above my bed but it was useless. “What?” “It’s a beautiful day outside, only supposed to get better, so we’re going down to the lake and we’re going swimming.” “Shouldn’t you be working?” “Nope, I’ve got the day off. The Railway isn’t open on Monday’s so Libby is off. Chloe works whenever the fuck she wants. Lin doesn’t coach on Monday’s. Harry’s god knows where. Which leaves you and Louis, and since you’re in charge of the shop, you can simply decide not to open up today.” “But-” “You know this sun won’t last, Alfie. You can open up your shop the rest of the year when it’s pissing it down, but right now the sun is out so we’re going to the lake. Capeesh?” “Capeesh.” I tittered. “Louis will pick you up in half an hours’ time. Be ready.” He hung up before I could say another word, giving me no other option that to get out of bed and prepare for a day down by the lake rather than a day in the shop. I wasn’t going to complain about that. In all honesty, I felt like I needed a fun day. My head had been an absolute mess for a fortnight and I needed to be carefree and stupid for a few hours to take my mind off the obvious. Harry hadn’t spoke to me since he had left my flat two weeks earlier. I hadn’t expected him to, I hadn’t asked him to, and he definitely hadn’t said he would reach out to me whilst he was off figuring things out, but it didn’t make it any easier on me or my heavy heart. I didn’t know how he was, where he was, when he was coming back, if he was coming back at all. I didn’t know anything. As clueless as I’d been the last time he left Rosebury, when he went off to New York, he’d at least stayed in touch with me, told me he was missing me and reassured me he was coming home. It hadn’t been a lot but it had been something. The silence was painful. He might have needed it but it was fucking painful. This time around his absence felt like it had when he first disappeared from our village in November and when he left after we’d argued on New Year’s. He was acting like he was before things were serious between us, when all we were doing was sleeping with each other and denying that anything was or could ever be more. And because of that, I was back to feeling like I didn’t know where I stood or how he felt about me. I was back to feeling like he was a mystery to me, a flight risk, like he was someone who was hiding away in the shadows rather than stepping out into the light. Every day I hoped I’d hear something, even if it was just a text. Two weeks had flown by without a word. I needed a fun day. I needed to take my mind off him.
Niall had hold of my right hand and Chloe had hold of my left, the three of us stood on a large boulder that hung over the side of the lake, Louis, Libby and Lin wading in the water below us. I found myself thinking of being stood in the exact same spot when I was young, when it seemed like such a daring thing, leaping off that rock and falling what felt like miles into the cold, dark waters below us. I recalled the very first time I’d dared to do it, holding both my parents’ hands and crying as they encouraged me with gentle and inspiring words. Eventually, I’d let go of their hands without warning and jumped on my own, appearing from the depths only seconds later to a grand ovation. This time around, though I wasn’t scared, I didn’t want to let go of the hands that were joined with mine and go it alone. Niall counted us down to the moment of truth. “Three, two, one, JUMP!” I absolutely loved the way that Chloe squealed as we leapt, like she was still a child convinced we were miles above the water, throwing ourselves into an unknown void, unsure whether we’d ever return. Being around them was already working wonders on my frame of mind. I was cackling as soon as I emerged through the surface of the water, kicking my legs as avidly as I could to keep me afloat, only spurred on by the way she was gasping for air like she’d been underwater for minutes rather than the few seconds she had been. “The fuck was that?” Niall cried breathlessly. “What?” “You screaming like you’ve just jumped off a cliff!” “That’s a big jump! That took courage!” “Stop it, I can’t swim!” I wailed, heading towards the shallow waters so I didn’t drown laughing over Chloe’s dramatic ways. Lin caught me on my way, coming to my rescue by taking my waist in his hands and dragging me closer to him, keeping me safe by resting me against his side and carrying my weight. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and tucked myself against his body, still laughing as Niall and Chloe continued arguing. “It’s like five feet!” “It’s at least twenty!” She contended. “Wow, holy shit, you’re a real-life idiot. How did I not know this?” “You’re an idiot. Learn about sizes, Niall.” “How tall do you think I am?” “… Shit.” It was a good thing Lin had grabbed onto me when he had because I was losing my mind. Libby and Louis were close by, all over each other, as they had been since the very second they told us all they were an item. Chloe and Niall started having a splash fight, Niall yelling about how he was a twenty foot man, and Lin was staring at me, amused by how much I was laughing. “That’s proper tickled ya, hasn’t it?” “She actually kills me.” “Will you jump in with me once you’re in a fit state?” He asked, but I couldn’t answer thanks to my giggling. “Alf, it’s really not that funny.” I loved being around all of them. I loved how happy they made me, how easy and right it felt just being in their company. Even catching a glimpse of Lin’s face then made me beam all the more, because I could see how happy he was seeing me happy. My spirits hadn’t been too high for the past few weeks, and I was sure they’d noticed, no matter how hard I’d tried to hide it. But what helped to cover it up was the fact that Harry had become such a staple part of our little group that his absence affected everyone. We were all missing him, wondering when he'd be back, how he was, completely conscious of his lack of presence. Our pub trips hadn’t been quite as lively and fun as they were when he was there, because in the simplest terms, it felt like there was someone missing. I wished that Harry could see just how invested we all were in him, just how much him not being around changed things. It was only when Niall and Chloe stopped fighting that I managed to reduce my snickering, still clutching onto Lin’s side like a baby. “Are you calm now?” He grinned. “As a cucumber.” “That’s cool. Cool as a cucumber.” “Oh yeah. Well I’m that as well.” “Clearly. C’mon, let’s jump in.” He shook his head before yelling out to the rest of them. “C’mon, team! We’re all jumping in together!” Everyone gradually made their way to the side of the lake to clamber out beside the boulder, Niall near drowning Chloe on the journey but we eventually all made it out alive, scrambling up onto the rock and standing close so we could all stand in a line and hold hands, just about fitting on. “Nah, Niall, this is high as fuck.” Chloe said as she peered over the edge. “You have no concept of space or height or distance or ANYTHING!” He cried. “SHUT UP YOU TWO!” Louis yelled. “Three, two, one, GO!” We leapt together, Chloe screaming just as loud as she had the last time, making me laugh before I’d even hit the water which was an unwelcomed yet open invitation for me to choke on the water we were about to land in, but I couldn’t help it. It was exactly how I wanted my day to be.
Me and Lin sat with one towel wrapped around the both of us, facing out towards the lake. Louis and Libby were still in the water, still bloody wrapped around each other. Niall was sunbathing and drying off a little further down the bank, and Chloe had had to leave a while earlier. The sun was beginning to set and our day was slowly coming to an end. Everything felt really peaceful. “Been nice this, hasn’t it?” Lin spoke after a while of us sitting in silence. “Yeah, I’ve missed it. It doesn’t get old doing this.” “I imagine we’ll be here a lot over summer.” “If we get the weather for it.” “Fingers crossed.” “Mm. I’m not gunna get my hopes up though.” He turned his head to face me, wobbling a little bit to nudge me, catch my full attention. I looked back to him, noticed the loving look of concern in his eyes. “You okay?” “Yeah. Yeah, m’good. Why?” I tilted my head. “I just worry about ya. You go through little stages sometimes where you seem a bit down. I dunno, I guess I just wanted to make you aware that I’m here for ya.” “Thank you. I knew that already, but thank you. And I promise I’m fine.” “Good. Glad to hear it. I proper love you. I don’t wanna see you sad.” “Same goes.” I nodded, still looking at him as he stared back out to the water, smiling and the sight of Louis and Libby. “They’re cute, aren’t they?” He acknowledged. “I give it a year before he’s proposes.” “Serious?” “Definitely. Y’know what Louis’ like, he’s well romantic.” I wheezed. “They’ve been close for years. It’s all gunna happen well quick, but like… it’d be right for them.” “My mum and dad were like that y’know.” He told me. “They’d been together for six months when my dad proposed. They’ve been together almost thirty years now, happy as ever.” “I love that. How are they?” “Good, yeah. They were asking about you the other day actually. I think since you came to ours for Christmas it’s like they think you’re a part of the family.” “They are the cutest human beings.” I bleated. They had been so accommodating and caring when I’d spent the day with them. The two of them were amazing, still madly in love and completely charming and affectionate with everyone, which was why Lin was the way he was. It had been so nice to be around a family that felt like it was in once piece. It was a feeling I missed. “How’s your mum and dad?” He asked cautiously. “Um… okay, I think.” I looked down to the floor. “I haven’t seen them for nearly a month, I should probably go soon.” “M'still dead proud of you, y’know. For biting the bullet and getting back in touch with them. I doubt that was easy.” “Anything’s better than not seeing them at all. I dunno why ever let it get to that point.” “Suppose it was complicated.” He said and I lowered my brows, confused. “I mean… there was a lot of stuff going on. A lot of factors. What with your mum and the shock of it all and… being with Sam, who was pretty fucking unsupportive, let’s be honest. I know now you’re seeing them again it’s easy to look back and wonder how the fuck it ever got to the point where you wouldn’t visit them, but… there were a lot of emotions involved that complicated it. Don’t feel guilty about it. Because I know you do.” He had such a good heart and head on him. He always knew the right thing to say, always analysed a situation fully and gave it real thought before he’d even think about approaching it, which was such a wonderful quality of his. Lin was good at stepping back and absorbing details, even the ones that weren’t so pretty. “You were in a different place, mentally and emotionally. You had stuff holding you back and Sam there kinda… making you doubt how you felt. It was a whole bunch of things, know what I mean?” “Mm.” “It must be hard, with your mum, but I know you seeing her again is really good for you in the grand scheme of things.” “I think you’re right.” I sighed. “Thank you. You talk sense sometimes.” “Uh, excuse you.” He pouted. “I talk sense always.” I rested my head on his shoulder as I giggled, glad to have him there talking sense and telling me how things had looked and still looked to him. I’d known for a while that being with Sam had held me back from a lot of things, including having the courage to see my mum again, but it still hadn’t necessarily been enough to take away my guilt completely. I wasn’t sure anything ever would be, but Lin definitely helped me put things into perspective, think about those times and my emotions a little differently. “You’re the best.” I told him. He kissed the top of my head and then rested his cheek against the same spot, the two of us going back to a silence so comfortable, so serene. My relationship with Harry was bound to be affecting things too, changing how I was, how I dealt with things, but those qualities were harder to recognise without hindsight. I was still in it, still with him even though he wasn’t around to assure me of that. When I looked at me and Harry from afar, the way he made me feel and the constructive steps he’d helped me to take, all I could see was positivity. But then I had to focus on how I felt about us in that very moment, considering absolutely everything, and that felt a lot less clear. I closed my eyes, wishing for answers. “Hi.” We heard from behind us. I nearly snapped my neck at the sound of his voice, shooting my head to look over my shoulder and see Harry stood behind us, hands in his pockets, eyes rushing frantically back and forth between the two of us. I was dumbfounded. “Shit! Hiya, mate!” Lin beamed. “You’re back!” “Yeah.” He murmured. His eyes landed on me, only staying there for a few seconds before he looked away. My head was spinning. “How’d you know we were here?” Lin asked, getting up to his feet. “I uh… I saw Louis’ mum outside Alfie’s shop. She told me you’d come here for the day.” He almost looked angry, jerking his jaw as he looked right through Lin like he didn’t want to be there at all, as though he hadn’t just gone to the effort to drive out of Rosebury to find us. It seemed like it was the last place he wanted to be. I felt too shocked to even get to my feet, still twisted around on my spot so I could see him properly. I wished we were on our own so I could say all the things I wanted to say, but Lin was right there, Niall was running over and Louis and Libby were gradually getting out of the water all to say hello to him, surround him. “It’s a shame you’ve got here so late. We were gunna head back soon, we’ve got another footy match tonight. Good thing you’re back, we might win this week if you’re gunna play!” “Alright, mate!” Niall grinned when he reached us, and I slowly managed to stand up, approaching the new gathering. “Glad to have you back!” “Yeah.” He grumbled. He wasn’t even trying to hide his poor mood, leaving even Niall stuck for what to say next, all four of us stood there in silence until Louis and Libby reached us. I felt queasy, not even daring look him in the eye. He’d quickly created an atmosphere so unfriendly that I didn’t know what the hell to think about what had happened over the past two weeks. “Time do you call this?” Louis tried to joke as they trudged out of the water, but he didn’t even get a smile in return. “Good to see you! How’ve you been?” “Fine.” He answered vacantly. “You been away for work?” “Yeah. London.” He said, and I predicted he was lying, but at that point I truly didn’t know. “Well, we were about to head off, but-” “Nah, you can leave, its fine. I’ll stay here, get some alone time.” “I do that sometimes.” Niall nodded, his tone mellow. We could all see Harry’s head wasn’t in the best place, and Niall was acknowledging that in the only way he could. “Come here on my own. Swim for a bit. It’s really calming, it’ll probably be good for you.” “Yeah. I’ll catch up with you all later at the match then. Sorry, m’just not really feeling-” “You don’t need to explain yourself, it’s alright.” Louis said, picking his towel up and beginning to dry himself off. “We’ll see you in a few hours, yeah?” He nodded, stepping forward so we’d part for him as he headed towards the water, unbuttoning his shirt as he moved. We huddled a little closer, all of our eyes glancing between him undressing and each other, whispering so he couldn’t hear. “The fuck was that about?” Libby perplexed. “Well, if he’s been away working, that probably explains it.” Louis suggested. “Let’s not forget that his art involves cutting his hands up. That’s not doing him any good!” “We should leave him be.” Niall was already collecting his things. “He clearly needs it. M’sure he’ll be fine later.” On that note, we separated, moving around the area to dress ourselves and gather our belongings, Harry soundlessly gliding into the lake. We were all quiet as we brought our trip to an end, but I found that my eyes kept being dragged back to Harry, adrift and alone in the water, swimming deeper and then disappearing beneath the surface. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, whether he really wanted to be on his own or if all of us leaving him there without a second thought would actually make him feel worse without him or us even realising. I knew there was still a part of him that couldn’t quite come to terms with the fact he was a staple and adored part of our group of friends, and I didn’t want him to arrive to us all having fun without him and then leaving the second he got there. Harry was good at convincing himself he needed to be alone, deal with things on his own, but that wasn’t the case at all. I was wringing my hair out when Lin and Libby came over to me. “We think you should stay.” Libby advised. “What?” “Maybe he needs someone to talk to.” Lincoln shrugged, seeming just as puzzled by it as everyone else, throwing any idea out he could. “Why me?” I cried. “He made such an effort with you when he found out about your mum.” Libby moped. “I know he can be pretty closed off, but maybe that’s all the more reason to do it, y’know?” They might not have known the whole story, but I think they could all see that I’d gotten a little closer to Harry than the rest of them had. What with the private classes, how he’d gone to see my parents with me, and I believed just how we generally were around each other. They could see I was the best option. I sighed, wishing I actually felt more positive about staying but I didn’t know how to feel. “Okay.” I agreed. “Yeah, I’ll stay.” “Ring me if you need us to come back and pick you up.” Lin said, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “See you at the match.” “Okay.” In just a matter of minutes they’d all gone, leaving me to deal with Harry on my own, which only a few weeks ago would have been exactly how I wanted it to be. This time around, the set up didn’t feel quite as comfortable as it once had. I went and stood myself at the side of the water and watched him in silence for a while, fascinated by the immediate change of aura now we were alone and he was swimming solo, how calm and tranquil he seemed as he floated on top of the water, his eyes closed, faced towards the sky, still unaware I’d stayed. The water barely stirred around him; it merely greeted his body with a tender kiss, curved wonderfully with the few parts of his body that weren’t submerged. He was tranquil, missing within the cosmos of his consciousness but somehow finding peace there, despite everything. I’d seen him in similar states before, when we were in bed together, when I was in his arms and the rest of the world couldn’t possibly collide with our calm. I’d missed him so fucking much. Eventually, he sensed my presence. It hit him from nowhere as he realigned his head and opened his eyes to look directly at me, like he’d been able to feel the fact I was there. I was completely still, looking back to him. I didn’t move, I didn’t smile, I just looked at him. It was when he began swimming towards me that I pulled off the jumper I’d put on and started walking back into the lake. We met in the shallow waters, our bodies a few inches apart, still silent. I was emerged up to my waist, finally pulling a smile though it was painfully weak. I really felt like I was going to cry, overwhelmed with questions. And then he just grabbed me. He took my waist in his hands and dragged me towards him with power and control, kissing me as soon as he physically could, his grasp on my frame so tight it almost hurt. There was something within the kiss that I couldn’t quite place. Maybe sadness. Maybe utter desperation. Maybe a longing for the way things had been just over two weeks earlier rather than how things were then. There was a sharp and tight coil in my stomach that hadn’t been there before that kiss, tormenting my tortured insides that had been weary enough ever since he left, and it told me that even though he was back, nothing was resolved. I could sense his sorrow in the way he held me, kissed me, his physical actions a facade to deter exchanges between the two of us that may scrutinise where he’d been and what had happened during his absence. I threw my arms around his neck, his body smothering mine, content with not talking for the time being because at least I could feel close with him in other ways, reacquaint myself with his figure, his lips, what being with him did to me. “I missed you.” I gasped against his lips, my upset impossible to guise, voice weak and wheezy. He pulled at the ties of my bikini so it fell apart completely, first the knot against my back and quickly followed by the one around my neck as I worked on the bows against my hips, naked in seconds. He yanked his underwear down before he lifted me up out the water and I wrapped my legs around his hips, dangling one arm around his shoulders to keep me steady as I reached down between us to take his cock in my hand, position him so I could push my hips back and line the two of us up perfectly to then slowly ease my hips back forward, feeling him fill me up inch by inch. “Fuck.” He seethed, eyes gripped shut. It was instantly thrilling to be with him again. Even when he seemed vacant and sombre, he was still so engrossing, absorbing every ounce of my attention and lust. I panted against his parted lips, my heels pressed against his firm behind. My hips bounded back and forth, my forehead against his, but my eyes open, fixed on his face. The bruise beneath his eye that had been there the last time I saw him was practically gone, but being so close I could see a slight glimmer of yellow, lingering evidence of his brothers visit. Even his hurt was beautiful to me. It was in that moment that I realised everything about Harry was beautiful to me. Absolutely everything. Every inch, every fault, every fact, every wrongdoing, every act of kindness. Every single iota of his being was adored by every iota of mine and I wanted nothing more than to show him that. I didn’t care about his waning, how he could disappear to other towns or right into his own head. I didn’t care about any of the external bullshit that endeavoured to infiltrate inwards. As long as there was him. As long as there was us. I closed the gap between our lips and kissed him again, trembling in his arms and holding back tears. But at least I was in his arms.
“What were you and Lin talking about?” Harry muttered miserably, eyes down on the ground. “Nothing, really. Just life. Just… me.” It was still bright though the sun had nearly disappeared behind the horizon ahead of us, the two of us sat on the shore together. He was still rather quiet and subdued. He’d barely looked me in the eyes since we’d gotten out of the water, but I still felt a little better than I had. Being around him simply felt right, no matter his mood. “What about you?” He asked, toying with a few small pebbles between his legs. “He’s worried about me. Thinks I’ve been down.” “What’s wrong?” “Nothing, I… I dunno. Not sure I function right when you’re not here.” I confessed. He barely reacted to my words, not by looking at me, smiling. Nothing. It was hard to see him so drained of himself. “Did you tell him?” He huffed. “About what? About us?” “Yeah.” “No, of course not.” I cried. “I know you’re not ready to-” “Maybe you should tell him so he backs the fuck off.” He scowled, pelting one of the pebbles far into the water before running his hands through his hair. Ideally, I wouldn’t have risen or reacted to his bitter words at all. I’d thought his paranoia over Lin had ended months earlier, but I figured his response then was more to do with everything that had been going on recently and how tested every emotion of his had been. But it was hard to bite my tongue. “So… basically, you don’t want anyone to know about us for any other reason than to claim me.” I looked down, shaking my head. “Great. That feels… fucking great.” He was wound up, at the situation and maybe at himself to some extent. I think deep down he knew he was being irrational, but awareness is not always enough to cease such thoughts and actions. “M'not saying that.” He heaved. “That’s exactly what you’re saying.” “It’s not what I’m saying, but when I see the way he looks at you I just… Forget it. It’s fine.” “It’s fine?” “I don’t wanna talk about it.” That suited me, so I didn’t say anything else about it, turning my head away from him and composing myself. If he wanted to let his illogical paranoias run wild then it wasn’t my job to cage them. But more than anything I just didn’t want an argument. I didn’t know what to say to him, how to open up the conversation around where he’d been or if he’d straightened things out because he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk at all. I’d been sure that on his return things would fall back into place and it would feel right again, but sitting by his side then, I didn’t feel that way at all. I turned my head to look at him again, trying to gage his mood but failing. “So… When… Where’ve you been?” I asked cautiously. “Did you… Did you try to reach your mum?” “Dead end.” He answered. “She’s not… where I thought she was, so… I’m calling it. I’m done. I’m done trying, I’m done looking, I’m done waiting. I’m done with all of it.” “Are you sure-” “I’ve made my mind up. M’not gunna… force myself back into her life. It’s probably for the best.” It seemed he’d reached the end of his tether, deciding it was best to live a life where he didn’t feel like he was waiting on someone. I could see why he thought that was the best thing for him to do in order to be happy, to move on, but I wasn’t convinced. “I want you to do whatever’s gunna make you happy.” I exhaled, trying to sound positive. “As long as you’re sure that’s it.” “Mm. I’m sure. I’m done.” And yet he didn’t seem happy at all. I wasn’t sure how he was supposed to after everything that had happened in the last few weeks, but even so. He seemed incredibly irate. “So… Why do I feel like you’re mad at me?” “What?” He turned his head to look at me, brows tightening inwards. “I dunno. You seem a bit… hostile.” I said, and he dropped his head. “M’just trying to figure out what’s going on. If I’ve made you angry-” “You haven’t.” “Then what is it?” “I… I dunno, I’m sorry. M’not mad at you, I’m mad at the situation. I’m mad at… myself. It’s not you, m’sorry.” He still seemed tense, distant. I kissed his shoulder and then lay my chin on the on the same spot, because I hadn’t really softened either. I hoped with me changing my aura, his would change too. “I missed you.” I whispered sweetly. He managed a smile then, turning his head ever so slightly and kissing the tip of my nose, looking down to me. “M'sorry I didn’t get in touch. My heads been fucked. I needed a bit of space.” “Do you feel like you’ve had the space you need?” “Yeah. I think so.” “I’m glad you’re back. I’m glad you’re home.” I looked into his eyes. “Maybe we can… try and get things back on track. You were doing so well before your brother showed up. I wanna see you that happy again. That’s literally all I want.” I wanted to show Harry the beauty of healing with and thanks to loved ones, because he’d never really known that. When he’d experienced times of hardship in his life, it had previously torn him from the people he cared most about, and I think he immediately predicted this would all play out the same way. I wanted him to see how struggles could strengthen bonds rather than break them. He closed his eyes, rested his forehead against mine. “Will you stay at mine tonight?” I asked. “If I’m welcome.” “Of course you’re welcome. I’ve been waiting for you to come back since the second you left.” He leaned his lips inwards and kissed me hard for a few seconds, seeming to inhale me and my calm. Although he might not have been fully aware of it in that moment, I felt as though he was thankful to be back, hopful that we could move on. “I’d love to stay.” He hushed against my lips once he’d stopped kissing me. “Good. I’ll make us some food and we can relax and… try to put this behind us. Okay?” I kissed at his unresponsive lips before jumping up to my feet, wishing to collect everything and get home as soon as possible. I didn’t care about the match, I didn’t care about anything other than him coming to terms with the fact that I didn’t blame him and I’d missed him and I wanted to make things better again. I collected my things, Harry sitting in silence for a while before he blurted. “Jack stole our painting.” He said clearly. I stopped, completely stilling and looking at the back of his head as he dropped it, hunched his shoulders. “He what?” “The painting we did together. I got back today and I looked to see which he’d taken and… he took ours.” That painting, however small and whimsical, had been the first piece of work he’d created in years that was made without blood. I would never fully understand the subliminal importance behind that canvas. I knew it must have meant something to him in the way he’d reacted to us painting together; his unease and yet his excitement, but I would never be able to truly grasp how it had felt for him, the meaning it held. Harry’s art had always been a system of symbolism for the hurt that had inhabited his heart, usually a dark cavity that he daren’t express through words, allowing those feelings to pour from him through paint. That painting was the one example he possessed where his art hadn’t derived from desolation. That painting was a mark of his liberty. That painting was a concept of hope. That painting was an image of us. And his brother had just taken it. That wasn’t something that could be replaced. “Fuck.” I looked down to my feet. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I… I don’t know what to say.” “There’s nothing to say.” I saw him wipe at his eyes with the back of his hand, maybe discarding a few tears. “Isn’t there something we can do? Some way of getting it back? If he’s gunna try to sell it, maybe your agent could keep an eye on-” He shook his head, because Harry was concentrating more on the feeling rather than the idea of getting it back. It was the fact it had ever been taken at all, because in that one actions wake, so much more was stolen than a physical item. But as despondent as he seemed, I was still confident that the main thing Harry wanted was to be better, heal rather than break, strengthen rather than weaken. It would just take some time. I sat myself back down beside him again, going back to resting my chin on shoulder, feeling his frame soften before he spoke. “I think I need to stop holding so much of myself in things that can just be taken like that. Things I can lose.” He spoke firmly. “You don’t have to do that. You just have to make sure you’re holding yourself in the right things, in the right way.” I told him. “And if it hurts when it’s gone… it just proves how special it was in the first place. Loss doesn’t have to mean… your walls go up to protect yourself. Loss can put things into perspective sometimes. It can… be good, even though it doesn’t always feel it. You’ve just gotta… handle it the right way, that’s all. Shutting things out… fearing loss… that’s not the way to do it.” He didn’t give much of an opportunity for my words to settle before his lips were back with mine, his instinct telling him to kiss me with every bit of vigour he had, maybe because that was easier for him than the conversation we were having, or maybe because that was the only thing that still made sense to him, like even when his mind was manic, that feeling he acquired when we kissed was unwavering, certain. I just had to hope that Harry was not retreating to a state where he felt physical actions were all he had.
