#hatesghosts

‘ want me to stay? ’ 

“ perhaps i don’t say it enough, but… i’d like you to know that i’m always here, if you ever wanted to talk. ”

Even in his ‘alive’ years, the years before the bloodshed, before he learned to control it; the bloodlust- he hadn’t really had anyone be there before. It was always a question that rang in his mind: ‘why’d she decide to ‘save’ him? To make him this thing, this beast. Barbara was too much of a free spirit to tack herself down to wherever it was he was holed up, but they met every now and then. They’d spend a few weeks, months, or even years together depending on how each of them was doing- but there always came a time when he’d wake up to a note, that she’d gone on some new grand adventure. At first, it had bothered him. When she left, he was alone. Then again, maybe she understood that he needed to be like that sometimes. This new life one with aplenty moments of vast adjustment.  “I guess I kind of thought you would be.” Jess admitted, his hands tucked into the pockets of his hoodie as his head hung slightly down. “I just didn’t want to become this burden. You know.. You create me, and then I’m just this mess. How fun is that?” Jess didn’t blame her for the bouts of misery he endured, though. Most of it was his own doing. His inability to be close to anyone had existed long before he’d been saved. 

The thing was, he could see it all with her- the cozy home, a dog, a family. The late, lazy Sunday evenings snuggled under blankets eating ice cream. The way he’d find ways to enjoy the parties he always dreaded, because he’d know she was just around the corner, and it made her happy to be there. How the hard times wouldn’t be so hard; even when he didn’t know how to communicate, because she’d just hold him- that much, they’d already experienced. Jess knew she was it for him, but there it ticked in the back of his mind, closing up the back of his throat.

Every safety he’d ever felt, Jess recoiled from, or struck it with his venom. Why would this be any different? Jess was impulsive. Most of the time, his impulses were lead by emotions that came on quick and harsh, and that’s what had led him to moving across the country. It’s what made him foolish enough to think that his dad was going to finally step up and take him in, now that he was old enough to be less of a burden. It’s why he was stuck living in his car, and it’s what finally made him realize that he was simply no good. This was always how it was going to be for him; a short fuse, a closed off hermit. Life had not been gentle with him, and he didn’t see that changing anytime soon. He couldn’t see himself changing anytime soon. Everything everyone had always said about him was true. 

Jess had made a mistake- he knew it was a mistake, but he couldn’t dare go crawling back now. Not when he’d painted a picture in his head of how everything she loved about him would one day be the things she would hate. The way he always had a smart comment, or how he didn’t like going to parties, or meeting new people. How quick he was to defend others, even if it meant taking a beating.  Jess also knows that his mind likes to play tricks on him, lie to him, tell him that everyone leaves; he knows this, and still he can’t make himself stop seeing the lie. Try as he might, he can’t stop the words from leaving. He can’t stop himself from tearing everything apart.

The more she hated him, the better off she was. Truly. The sniffles he hears over the phone weren’t ones he was a stranger to, but he’d never known himself to be the cause. The tear he feels inside isn’t something that makes him stop for a moment to think straight; instead, it fuels his thoughts that all he’s going to bring her is pain and disappointment. Even if she’d not once expressed that; deep in his head, he just knew it was coming. It was better to get it over with, so she could move on with her life. 

❝  i’m not gonna pretend anymore.  i’m still fucked up from it all and i don’t know when it gets better.  ❞

There was a question that plagued his mind, but he never dared to ask it- why’d she save him? Why’d she given him the same fate as her? She’d been open enough about what happened to her the night she was turned early on in his afterlife; probably in an attempt to get him to stop freaking out. A way to keep him in touch with some form of humanity so he didn’t completely go off the rails as so many did.

Jess thinks about the night he was turned; how it still fucked him up, too. How living a life as a vampire was really painful for the first few decades, as you watch everything your human self was familiar with rot, die, and decay. There were good parts, though, and he was doing better at trying to focus on them. 

❝ i’m used to people generally not giving a shit about me. doesn’t mean i can’t still choose to care regardless of whether not people will care back. ❞

Too much of what she says rings deep inside of him. Too many times had he felt alone; it had gotten to the point where he was damn well used to it. Then, of course there was the incident that happened just after graduation. The catalyst for him truly forcing himself to be alone. After their final year in college, no one back home really ever heard from him. It was better that way; if he wasn’t careful, he’d hurt someone, or worse.. They’d end up like him, too.

“You know that’s not why I left, right?” Jess questioned her, his brows pulling together. “I definitely give a shit about you.” Maybe it would be easier if he came clean, told her the real reason why he couldn’t be close to anyone. That is wasn’t just some mental block he had to work through anymore. 

“You’ve always cared so much..” He breathed out- the chances of them running into each other here, in this big city were slim to none, and he’s still having trouble reconciling with the fact that he hadn’t seen her in years. “I would never expect that to change. If I ever did something to dim that.. I’d never forgive myself.”

How long had it been since he’d seen her last? Years, probably. Time didn’t mean anything to him anymore. Jess can recall the first time he met her, though. It was a setting much like this, just after he had been turned, and left to figure it out on his own.  That night, along with a handful of others, was one of the few that would live in the back of his mind. It stayed vivid, and maybe that was because it was all so new. 

“We’ve got to stop running into each other like this.”