#liushen

He was full of grief that settled into his bones, fear that always gnawed it's way up his throat as he'd desperately gasp for breath, and most nights, in the safety and in the dark of his room, he was utterly inconsolable.

One such night, Liu Qingge came by to check in on him as he'd just returned from a mission. The state he found the Bamboo House in could be considered haunted, without the bustling of it's disciples, the lamps emitting a warmth that felt quite like home for all who stood upon it's threshold, the faint sound of laughter coming from the peak lord's quarters as he engaged in lighthearted conversation with his guests.

If Qingge were honest, the once homely feeling of the Bamboo house had withered away much like Shen Qingqiu, a solemn and depressing sight for all to behold. He didn't like the silence from qingqiu nowadays, it was heavy and thick and everything his shixiong had left to offer. The least Qingge could do was sit through that silence with him and hold space for all that grief that didn't have anywhere else to go. He could carry it for qingqiu, he wouldn't even have to ask.

As he knocked on the door of Shen Qingqiu's quarters, he assumed he might have finally managed to fall asleep as all the lights were out. He lingered by the door for a little longer, not entirely sure what was keeping him there if Qingqiu was already asleep. As Qingge was lost in thought, he heard a sound come from inside, something that sounded like choking? coughing maybe? Qingge went in nonetheless, easier to find answers that way he thought. His throat hitched at the sight in front of him.

Shen Qingqiu was on the ground, folding in on himself, hair open and unkept and sticking to his face. Qingge couldn't make out much in the dark, but from the faint light peeking in through the curtains he could make out Qingqiu's figure, trembling, and sobbing. The sobbing sounded like someone who was trying not to cry, wanting to cry, and yet wasn't able to fully allow themselves to relax and let the tears flow. Qingqiu's voice kept cracking as he sobbed and kept gasping for breath, hands clawing at the carpeting as if he was physically in pain.

Qingge couldn't bare the sight of him this way. He immediately rushed in and dropped to his knees near qingqiu, brushing his hair out of his face softly. Shen Qingqiu didn't move, just folded in on himself further if that was even humanely possible. He reached out for Qingqiu's hands that were clawing at the carpet, his fingertips now raw from the carpet burn, and he gently turned SQQ towards him. Qingge used his fingers to brush Qingqiu's hair back and out of his face that was covered in tears and snot. He pulled SQQ into his lap, cradling him as he pulled out a handkerchief and gently wiped away his snot and the sweat on his forehead.

Then he just held SQQ close to his chest and gently rocked him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear, telling him he's here, he's listening, he can cry all he wants, he's not leaving him and how he'll always protect him. SQQ's face in the crook of Qingge's neck, one hand grasping the front of Qingge's robes, as Qingge held him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. He grabbed Qingqiu's other hand and kissed his fingertips where the carpet burn was slowly healing.

SQQ melting into the sweetest most comforting embrace he's ever been held in, feeling so wholly loved and protected, finally let the tears flow. The sobbing muffled by his face on Qingge's shoulder or the crook of his neck, his entire body trembling as if the crying itself was draining him of energy and through all of it, Qingge held him gentle and ever present. That just made Qingqiu cry more, How long had it been since he'd been comforted, how long had it been since he could just let his guard down and relax? How long had it been since he hadn't had to be a grown up who knew or pretended to have to know everything for his own survival? How long had it been since he allowed himself to finally grieve over his own fate and what he'd done to binghe? How long had it been since he'd seen his precious and lovely face and that beautiful smile of his disciple? How long had it been since he last let himself be afraid?

He was so scared and he didn't wanna die either. He didn't want to see the hurt he caused binghe and if he could runaway he would. He'd run from it all. He wanted to go back, he didn't want to die at the hand of his sweetest angelic student that he ruined. It was all Qingqiu's fault and he deserved it and he was scared. He hasn't felt this scared in so long. How long had it been since he last let himself be selfish like this? He didn't have any answers and there was a hopelessness that was settling into his bones and weighing him down, he just curled up closer to Qingge. He wished he could stay there forever, Qingge grounded him. He was warm and smelled good, it was the closest to home he felt in a long time.

Qingqiu cried until he was dehydrated and his eyes were pink and swollen, his face red and puffy and Qingge decided he looked endearing. Qingqiu finally got his breathing under control too as he rested his head against Qingge's chest, eyes closed, the last few tears flowing out. Qingge reached up and gently wiped them away with his thumb as he softly whispered to SQQ asking if he wants to get some sleep. He seemed exhausted as he nodded against Qingge's chest. Qingge picked him up bridal style and carried him over to bed and settled him in.

He sat on the floor next to the bed as SQQ shifted around a bit getting comfortable, and closed his eyes. Qingge just sat there, holding one his hands and rubbing soothing circles on the back with his thumb, the other tucking loose strands falling onto SQQ's face as he hummed soothingly. He traced the outline of Qingqiu's face softly with his fingertips, bringing Qingqiu's hand that he was holding to his lips as he gently kissed each fingertip again, as expected they'd healed, albeit rather slowly than they should have.

As he was getting up to leave, seeing as Qingqiu was finally getting some rest, he decided to return to Bai Zhan too. It'd had been a long night, he'd spent hours holding Qingqiu, not that he minded, he'd do it again if need be, but he was tired. As he tucked Shen Qingqiu in, and left some water by his bedside and turned to leave, he heard a hoarse voice call out to him. He turned around to see Qingqiu reaching for him, he immediately met him halfway and sat by his side. Qingqiu suddenly feeling the absence of Qingge, panicked and asked him to stay.

Liu qingge never really made peace with the fact that SQQ just left again, he did see him off before he left the mountain, of course he did. He pulled shen qingqiu aside and told him to write to him everyday so he knows he's safe. SQQ laughed softly telling him he's perfectly safe with binghe who was scowling a little distance away. Qingge couldn't help but look at his hands holding SQQ's and softly said, "I wish I could believe that." Eyes meeting Qingqiu's who was warmly smiling at him as he promised he'd write to him everyday and qingge promised he'd wait for a message from him everyday. Qingge left first so he wouldn't have to see SQQ leaving him once again. At least this time, he had color in his face, and that smiled that he missed so dearly, the smile he'll start missing again he realised. A familiar feeling of a pit in his stomach started to grow again as he walked away, he knew better than to pay too much attention to such feelings. He had better things to do anyway.

The first couple of days after SQQ's departure, they both sent letters to one another back and forth, nothing of importance really, just some daily updates, a few jokes here and there, qing jing disciples asking abt qingqiu, a threat for binghe cause he probably reads the letters too, the usual. It still calmed Qingge's nerves, they didn't have to bare their hearts out or talk about their deepest darkest secrets, he just needed to know that Qingqiu is alive and well. He constantly reminds SQQ that he's here anytime he needs him, not to be stubborn and do everything by himself, if he feels even slightly uncomfortable, CQM will always be here to welcome him back home, he'll be there, he just has to say so. Did it feel embarrasing? Not really. Did he feel like a fussy mother? Yes. And he hates it. He knows SQQ is more than capable enough, but if only he'd act that way too, it's like he loses his IQ every time he's around that demonic manchild husband of his.

A few days pass and there's no word from SQQ, Qingge's starting to worry, he's never felt so frustrated before, but he manages to calm himself down. He might just be busy, doesn't mean anything bad happened, besides he just got married, he probably needs his space, perhaps Qingge was too insistent abt writing to him that he completely neglected his shixiong's feelings. He decides he'll write to Qingqiu in a week or two, maybe he'll receive a letter by then too who knows!

A few days turn into a couple of weeks, Qingge already sent out another letter a week after and he's growing anxious. He's never done that before, he decides it's not something he wants to feel ever again. He didn't like this feeling and the way it was making him act, he went about his day, kept himself busy, but that worry was haunting him. He couldn't do anything except give in to that feeling, he did the only thing he could possibly think of. Destination Demon Realm it is then.

He speedran the entirety of Binghe's palace mansion thing, the guy had weirdass taste in architecture, it was mildly disappointing but anyway. He found himself standing in a bamboo house lookalike, heaving, covered in blood, cheng luan in hand and angry. SQQ stood in front of him baffled (who knew where Binghe fucked off to, at least he doesn't have his hands full dealing with him then) (thank GOD)

He was immediately greeted with SQQ's warmth flooding into him as he exclaimed, "Liu shidi! What a lovely surprise, I wasn't expecting you. Did you actually kill everyone on your way in? If you told me, I could've gotten the door for you." SQQ's warm smile, his aloofness, his ability to pretend like nothing was wrong, to just avoid confrontation and sip on his tea, the softness of his voice, he'd had enough. No more of this. Qingge was waiting for so fucking long for just one word from him. Nothing for WEEKS. If he'd just sent a piece of paper with just a thumbs up sign or even just ALIVE scrawled on it, Qingge wouldn't be dungeon crawler right now, whatever the fuck that was.

He walked towards SQQ slowly, as if sizing him up, the glare getting the message across as SQQ froze in place and qingge got up in his face. His voice suprising even himself as he quietly said, "I waited." pause. confusion on qingqiu's face. "I waited to hear from you. for weeks." SQQ seemed to relax as his shoulders sagged back and he walked around Qingge to take a seat at the table. "Liu shidi, why do you concern yourself so much with this one? I'm fine! See for yourself."

Qingge just looks at him, fuming, why can't qingqiu get it through his head??? "because I don't trust shixiong." "Liu shidi, you simply worry. You have no reason to doubt me. I am well. "

"The last time I trusted you, shixiong killed himself in front of my eyes." Qingge hadn't realised he was trembling until Cheng Luan slipped from his grasp and it was suddenly like a weight was dropped onto his chest. It reminded him of all those nights he spent waking up gasping for breath, choking out sobs after those recurring nightmares. He had refused to sleep or sit still for the first year following SQQ's so called death. He couldn't stomach anything, he stopped eating. He spent so long running from this feeling just to have it come back in front of the very last person he ever wanted, in his fucking marital room too what the fuck was this irony.

"The last time... " he stuttered out, breathing shallow as he spoke, "last time I had to carry your body back home." He's struggling to form words now, talk about timing. "Luo.. Binghe.... He..." gasp. "He... didn't... I.. " he'd already started hyperventilating, his hands trembling as he brought them to his face, pulling and running them through his hair to get himself to calm down, "You never... tell me anything." Why won't his breathing go back to normal!!! was talking always this difficult? he couldn't recall, "I wish you'd tell me." At this point he was actively choking down sobs and it required a shit ton of energy he didn't seem to have. "I waited and waited" but it only came out in something between a whisper and a sob. He couldn't do this anymore.

me, my boyfriend and his evil ass dog that wants me dead.

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