liushen post bingqiu marriage bcs i never got over the way qingge was treated anyway here it is
Liu qingge never really made peace with the fact that SQQ just left again, he did see him off before he left the mountain, of course he did. He pulled shen qingqiu aside and told him to write to him everyday so he knows he's safe. SQQ laughed softly telling him he's perfectly safe with binghe who was scowling a little distance away. Qingge couldn't help but look at his hands holding SQQ's and softly said, "I wish I could believe that." Eyes meeting Qingqiu's who was warmly smiling at him as he promised he'd write to him everyday and qingge promised he'd wait for a message from him everyday. Qingge left first so he wouldn't have to see SQQ leaving him once again. At least this time, he had color in his face, and that smiled that he missed so dearly, the smile he'll start missing again he realised. A familiar feeling of a pit in his stomach started to grow again as he walked away, he knew better than to pay too much attention to such feelings. He had better things to do anyway.
The first couple of days after SQQ's departure, they both sent letters to one another back and forth, nothing of importance really, just some daily updates, a few jokes here and there, qing jing disciples asking abt qingqiu, a threat for binghe cause he probably reads the letters too, the usual. It still calmed Qingge's nerves, they didn't have to bare their hearts out or talk about their deepest darkest secrets, he just needed to know that Qingqiu is alive and well. He constantly reminds SQQ that he's here anytime he needs him, not to be stubborn and do everything by himself, if he feels even slightly uncomfortable, CQM will always be here to welcome him back home, he'll be there, he just has to say so. Did it feel embarrasing? Not really. Did he feel like a fussy mother? Yes. And he hates it. He knows SQQ is more than capable enough, but if only he'd act that way too, it's like he loses his IQ every time he's around that demonic manchild husband of his.
A few days pass and there's no word from SQQ, Qingge's starting to worry, he's never felt so frustrated before, but he manages to calm himself down. He might just be busy, doesn't mean anything bad happened, besides he just got married, he probably needs his space, perhaps Qingge was too insistent abt writing to him that he completely neglected his shixiong's feelings. He decides he'll write to Qingqiu in a week or two, maybe he'll receive a letter by then too who knows!
A few days turn into a couple of weeks, Qingge already sent out another letter a week after and he's growing anxious. He's never done that before, he decides it's not something he wants to feel ever again. He didn't like this feeling and the way it was making him act, he went about his day, kept himself busy, but that worry was haunting him. He couldn't do anything except give in to that feeling, he did the only thing he could possibly think of. Destination Demon Realm it is then.
He speedran the entirety of Binghe's palace mansion thing, the guy had weirdass taste in architecture, it was mildly disappointing but anyway. He found himself standing in a bamboo house lookalike, heaving, covered in blood, cheng luan in hand and angry. SQQ stood in front of him baffled (who knew where Binghe fucked off to, at least he doesn't have his hands full dealing with him then) (thank GOD)
He was immediately greeted with SQQ's warmth flooding into him as he exclaimed, "Liu shidi! What a lovely surprise, I wasn't expecting you. Did you actually kill everyone on your way in? If you told me, I could've gotten the door for you." SQQ's warm smile, his aloofness, his ability to pretend like nothing was wrong, to just avoid confrontation and sip on his tea, the softness of his voice, he'd had enough. No more of this. Qingge was waiting for so fucking long for just one word from him. Nothing for WEEKS. If he'd just sent a piece of paper with just a thumbs up sign or even just ALIVE scrawled on it, Qingge wouldn't be dungeon crawler right now, whatever the fuck that was.
He walked towards SQQ slowly, as if sizing him up, the glare getting the message across as SQQ froze in place and qingge got up in his face. His voice suprising even himself as he quietly said, "I waited." pause. confusion on qingqiu's face. "I waited to hear from you. for weeks." SQQ seemed to relax as his shoulders sagged back and he walked around Qingge to take a seat at the table. "Liu shidi, why do you concern yourself so much with this one? I'm fine! See for yourself."
Qingge just looks at him, fuming, why can't qingqiu get it through his head??? "because I don't trust shixiong." "Liu shidi, you simply worry. You have no reason to doubt me. I am well. "
"The last time I trusted you, shixiong killed himself in front of my eyes." Qingge hadn't realised he was trembling until Cheng Luan slipped from his grasp and it was suddenly like a weight was dropped onto his chest. It reminded him of all those nights he spent waking up gasping for breath, choking out sobs after those recurring nightmares. He had refused to sleep or sit still for the first year following SQQ's so called death. He couldn't stomach anything, he stopped eating. He spent so long running from this feeling just to have it come back in front of the very last person he ever wanted, in his fucking marital room too what the fuck was this irony.
"The last time... " he stuttered out, breathing shallow as he spoke, "last time I had to carry your body back home." He's struggling to form words now, talk about timing. "Luo.. Binghe.... He..." gasp. "He... didn't... I.. " he'd already started hyperventilating, his hands trembling as he brought them to his face, pulling and running them through his hair to get himself to calm down, "You never... tell me anything." Why won't his breathing go back to normal!!! was talking always this difficult? he couldn't recall, "I wish you'd tell me." At this point he was actively choking down sobs and it required a shit ton of energy he didn't seem to have. "I waited and waited" but it only came out in something between a whisper and a sob. He couldn't do this anymore.
SQQ stood up at some point and reached out for Qingge, "Liu shidi, I -" but Qingge was too busy blinking back tears and gasping for breath as he clutched at his chest. God Fuck what is Happening right now. He just knew he needed to get away like 5 minutes ago. SQQ tried to reach out for him, to hold him, soothe him, support him in any way he can, but Qingge just kept stumbling back and he finally decided he'd had enough, "STOP. JUST STOP. YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH." SQQ stood there with an unreadable expression, unreadable mainly bcs Qingge just saw a blur through the tears. He needed to leave before he was able read that expression on qingqiu's face. Qingge picked up Cheng Luan and left immediately, when he was finally safe enough alone, he choked on his sobs as they wracked through his entire body, as he dry heaved, his body trying to force out anything remaining in his stomach. He cried till his eyes were swollen, saliva dripping from his lips from all the dry heaving, snot coming out of his nose and a migraine that was going to put him out of commission for a couple of days. At least he felt like he could breathe a bit again, the weight on his chest lightened significantly, all he could do was ignore the knots in his stomach. His game plan now was avoiding CQM for a while, last thing he needed was to be in the same space that he went through all of this in last time. Next, look for a place to crash for the next couple of days as he rides out this god awful migraine.
