#hatemyselfsomuch

I almost died from severe cardiac issues 2 weeks ago. Literally begging God to keep me alive as I'm having needles and tubes shoved into me. Screaming from chest pain. My therapist called my Dad to tell him Im going to treatment at Center for Change. He thought it was her calling to say I was dead because it "wouldn't have been a surprise" after seeing me thinner and more exhausted every time. My grandmama is in the ICU and very sick. I love her so much and we've always been so close. I can't stand to think of losing her and have to keep myself from bursting into tears every time I see her and hold her hand. I'm so thankful she's alive and I can't let myself go all the way to fucking Utah when she's this sick. I'm pretty sure a "friend" in my dorm laced weed we smoked to try and do something to me. Luckily he didn't and I just went to the hospital but everyone is pissed off. Everyone in my dorm is falling apart and I'm trying to help them but can't help myself one bit. My therapist said "focus on getting to Utah before you're dead" but won't allow me to see her in the meantime. No IOP either, but I did get to tell my favorite staff person there bye and she's waiting for me to come back and do awesome :) but I'm taking so many pills to stay high so I don't feel or think about anything. I'm about to email all my professors saying why I'm withdrawing. I don't want to die but I'm sick of having to fight tooth and nail to get anywhere only to have it taken away. And I'm really damn sick of being told how I can do this if I "try" or "you won't change" or "our program is fucking special and we are going to be the one to change your life for thousands of dollars". Sick of everything. I'm grateful for what I have and my faith, also that everyone at Victoria's Secret is so kind and understanding about me having to leave. They said to def come back when I'm better bc "you will, we believe in you". But I'm about to snap bc I'm in so much pain and so is everyone else I know. I try to take all their pain away by carrying it for them and helping them but I think I'm going to die from it. At least CFCS will keep me alive for a few more months. But why me and not Callie, that's what I'd really like to know. Life is really fucked up.