“Today I will not complain about my job.”
That’s what I tell myself every morning. I wake up, roll over in bed, and dread the coming day. My boyfriend, family, and close friends all tell me I need to change my attitude and look on the bright side of things. But the truth is, I don’t see the bright side. Everything in this job is dark.
It doesn’t help that this is not what I went to school for. I never dreamed I would be doing what I am today; and the reason is that I never wanted to do this. The problem, though, is not really with my state of mind. It runs much deeper than that. It runs to back when I was in high school and everyone told me I had a bright future. I don’t know if those people honestly believed in me or if my school was so far beneath the norm that average appeared to be legendary.
I don’t want to believe that all of my life choices have led me to this plateau. Because that is what it feels like. As if I have hit the ceiling on my life. I am too young for a cap. Too young for it to be all over.
I graduated college in three years. I did it because I thought I was supposed to. I thought I was supposed to finish quickly then go to grad school. Only I hated grad school. Half way through a paper, I stopped myself and asked, “Who the hell cares? No one cares about the shit that I’m doing, and shit, I don’t care about the shit that I’m doing.” None of it mattered. So I finished a year, left without an MA, and began my “career.”
This is not my career. I am not meant to be in this position. The fact that my printer went offline for five minutes and I started to cry proves that. But it sucks when all I want to do is quit this shitty job and hand over the reigns to someone more qualified and more dedicated than I.
For now, I am stuck. And that’s why this is so hard.