#harmonique

so, I never use Tumblr (well, I use it daily, but to look for journaling inspo and never post nor reblog) but I had an amazing discussion with @jasontoddisrightfuckyou and need to share, because yeah, it made me realize a few things about what happened to me during this past year.

(Also Perse, some of what I’m about to say literally are copy/paste of what I told you, because I’m shocked at how easily I can manage to put words on my feeling when I talk with you) So recently, I noticed how easy it was for me to write in other fandoms: I can write way more and longer fanfictions without even noticing it.

I tried to understand why this is happening, and I think I found out. 

I wrote about everything I wanted to write about on Batman fandom. Don't get me wrong, I love batman and I love reading fanfic, but I don't have anything else to write about since all my favorite tropes have been covered already. I should maybe rewrite my old fics and make them better since I guess I did improve during the past years, but writing about batman makes me feel like I’m doing the same thing over and over again. I have the feeling that I really want to write batfam again, but like when I’m in front of a new document, nothing is coming and I’m just struggling and being like "do I even want to tell a story?"

I don’t know about English, but in French, we say that things are being “reheated” when the same concept is used over and over again, and I feel like this is how I see my writing in the Batman fandom now. 

I started to write batman because of the server I used to be in and because I knew it was a popular fandom. I had never written in English at that time and had very low self-esteem which made me crave validation that I knew I could have in the DC fandom. Maybe also because I was in a server with what as used to see as “big names” of the fandom that made me feel like I should own my place with them and I was like "look I can write too, even if I’m younger and if English isn’t my native language” etc.

Somehow, I ended up wanting to write about other fandoms but I was like "no, I can only write about dc because I need to “make a name” in the DC fandom, and so it kind of stopped my creativity.

Now I’m not writing to please anyone anymore. I write because I like to, and I like knowing that I can write and because I might have a terrible brainrot. 

I do enjoy Batman a lot, and I love reading all the Jason whump fanfictions I can find and seeing all the comments on my old fanfictions. I love talking about DC and I love discussing Jason whump, but I think it will take time for me to write again in this fandom. I can’t find any more stories I want to share with you, and I don’t want to write because I feel the pressure to do it.

I’m now in an amazing server with amazing people that makes me want to write for myself and makes me want to be the best version of myself (as a person, but also as a writer) and I am so grateful for them all.

(Small NB since I noticed I might have not been clear enough: I’m not blaming my old server, but mostly my old state of mind of me being a people pleaser and feeling like I needed validation because I was really insecure)

You can join the server here (it’s a DC server, btw) as long as you’re respecting everyone and the rules :D

Also, you can still find me on ao3 

I have no idea how I’m supposed to end a Tumblr post, so bye everyone, and take care <3,

✧₊˚ Harmonique ˚₊✧