#hardheaded

I hit my head so hard last year That the room would spin when I rolled over in bed. I had this sharp pain behind my eye: Double vision, sensitivity to light, Too dizzy to stand, too dizzy to roll over, Too dizzy to move my neck. I had panic attacks every time I got behind the wheel of a car. My body was a prison. I’m a restless girl, my thoughts can overwhelm me, I need activity to let the energy out -- But the simplest activities were causing me harm. I passed out in the shower, I passed out in the shed, I went on a walk and had to lower myself to the ground, As my vision went dark. I passed out reaching for ingredients on the top shelf of the pantry. I couldn’t work, I was miserable. I couldn’t function through the day but I was determined To do everything by myself And that’s probably why it took so long to heal. I mowed the lawn, I weeded the garden, I got on a stepladder to spackle and sand and paint the spare room Because I couldn’t afford not to rent out, I kept finding myself waking up on the floor, Realizing I was unconscious, Yet I kept trying to do it all myself. I hit my head so hard last year And I was so stubborn and wanted to take care of myself Even though I couldn’t take care of myself. You’d think I’d learn my lesson, Let you in, Let you help me, Let you take some of this weight off my shoulders. I wish I could but aren’t we all creatures of habit, I’m trying to be less hardheaded but I find it creeping in again, over and over, and damn do I see myself in my father, and I fear I may carry this obstinance to my grave.

// It's amazing how Ferenir can be so very patient with some people, and simultaneously explode in an instant if the wrong person says one wrong word.

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