#handsomerambling

Times are bad now, you know they are. You are filled with anxiety more often than you feel nothing at all, though that’s the only change you even notice anymore these days. I’m sure when you read this things will have gotten better. Because they always do, don’t they? I just want to remind you then of how you feel right now. Then is when you cry in bed as you try to sleep but find yourself still staring up at the ceiling when it’s 4AM; and when you’ve slipped into unconciousness and wake up at 9AM you don’t want to get out of bed and stay there until it’s noon and you feel guilty and sick and like you’re not trying hard enough. You feel lonely and can’t talk to anyone about what’s happening or how you feel because you are ashamed. You know it’ll get better, but the time between better and now takes so long.

Either way you get up every day. Some days you eat and some days you don’t. You talk to friends and family and smile and tell them they look great. They can’t see you’re slipping. You doubt yourself every day whether you’re trying hard enough or not. Each time you try to distract yourself with something remotely fun you have to stop and feel guilty about it because having fun isn’t what you deserve when you’re in the mess you are in right now. You think of things you could’ve done differently which could’ve spared you from the point where you are right now and then you chastise yourself because: “there is no changing the past.”

just fuck me up, just do it

Times are bad now, you know they are. You are filled with anxiety more often than you feel nothing at all, though that’s the only change you even notice anymore these days. I’m sure when you read this things will have gotten better. Because they always do, don’t they? I just want to remind you then of how you feel right now. Right now you cry in bed as you try to sleep but find yourself still staring up at the ceiling when it’s 4AM; and when you’ve slipped into unconciousness and wake up at 9AM you don’t want to get out of bed and stay there until it’s noon and you feel guilty and sick and like you’re not trying hard enough. You feel lonely and can’t talk to anyone about what’s happening or how you feel because you are ashamed. You know it’ll get better, but the time between better and now takes so long.

Either way you get up every day. Some days you eat and some days you don’t. You talk to friends and family and smile and tell them they look great. They can’t see you’re slipping. You doubt yourself every day whether you’re trying hard enough or not. Each time you try to distract yourself with something remotely fun you have to stop and feel guilty about it because having fun isn’t what you deserve when you’re in the mess you are in right now. You think of things you could’ve done differently which could’ve spared you from the point where you are right now and then you chastise yourself because: “there is no changing the past.”